I did my time, and I want out
Anxiety has completely shut down my mind, not to mention my body. For some reason, I have become overcome with anxious thought. I can feel my chest becoming red and blotchy, as it always does in this situation. I cannot breathe regularly; I feel like I can't get enough air. I want to throw up, but there's nothing to throw up. I need to sleep, but I definitely can't. My mouth is itchy. Nothing is right, everything is wrong. I have no idea how to fix it.
I really can't live with this.
There's entirely too much on my mind that I haven't been dealing with.
First of all, my future. Or lack thereof. I'm graduating in about a month and a half and I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing afterward. My degree will do me absolutely no good. I have no job lined up. I don't even have a solid resume to put in anywhere, not that mine would do any good anywhere. Grad school is completely up in the air itself, as are the details to that situation. Where would I live or work? How will I pay for school or rent? I have no answers. I have no answers to any of the questions. I'm essentially useless. I'm useless to myself, not to mention everyone around me.
I suppose that's another thing too. I was used to feeling like a necessary person in someone else's life, and that's completely over. I am unnecessary and unwanted. Something changed, and I'm not good enough.I've been spending a great portion of the past few weeks convincing myself that I wasn't actually heartbroken, but it's all turning out to be true. I need someone who doesn't need me. I love someone who doesn't love me back. I would do so much for him, but it doesn't matter at all. He doesn't want me or any effort I could make. I miss him everyday. But it doesn't matter at all. I'm alone, and that's the bottom line. I am alone.
My heart is threatening to beat out of my chest. I must continue reminding myself to breathe. Anything I can do right now to calm myself is only a temporary [and thus far unsuccessful] solution. These issues aren't going to fix themselves. I have to do something, and generally the solutions involve "giving it time". But I don't have time. Every day that I don't fix my situation, I fall deeper in the hole I've created.
I don't want to live like this anymore.
Everything is so dark right now. I don't know how it got this way.
I really can't live with this.
There's entirely too much on my mind that I haven't been dealing with.
First of all, my future. Or lack thereof. I'm graduating in about a month and a half and I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing afterward. My degree will do me absolutely no good. I have no job lined up. I don't even have a solid resume to put in anywhere, not that mine would do any good anywhere. Grad school is completely up in the air itself, as are the details to that situation. Where would I live or work? How will I pay for school or rent? I have no answers. I have no answers to any of the questions. I'm essentially useless. I'm useless to myself, not to mention everyone around me.
I suppose that's another thing too. I was used to feeling like a necessary person in someone else's life, and that's completely over. I am unnecessary and unwanted. Something changed, and I'm not good enough.I've been spending a great portion of the past few weeks convincing myself that I wasn't actually heartbroken, but it's all turning out to be true. I need someone who doesn't need me. I love someone who doesn't love me back. I would do so much for him, but it doesn't matter at all. He doesn't want me or any effort I could make. I miss him everyday. But it doesn't matter at all. I'm alone, and that's the bottom line. I am alone.
My heart is threatening to beat out of my chest. I must continue reminding myself to breathe. Anything I can do right now to calm myself is only a temporary [and thus far unsuccessful] solution. These issues aren't going to fix themselves. I have to do something, and generally the solutions involve "giving it time". But I don't have time. Every day that I don't fix my situation, I fall deeper in the hole I've created.
I don't want to live like this anymore.
Everything is so dark right now. I don't know how it got this way.