Signs That You Are “Dating”
Could those of you more experienced in this world of romantic entanglement please decipher these enigmatic situations and feelings for me?
So yesterday I was all set to sit down at my computer and write an extensive post about how previously mentioned boy (the doctor) actually didn’t like me as much as I thought he did and how much it sucked that he did not like me as much as I thought he did because he put all this effort into making me like him in the first place and to turn me away the moment that this liking actually started to percolate seemed some how counterintuitive and . . .well . . .mean. I was going to say how much I didn’t like this relationship thing (even though what I am involved in could hardly constitute a “relationship” per say) because it left me feeling unsure of myself and I don’t like to feel unsure of myself because on the average basis I would probably tell you that I am a very confident person (except when I get yelled at by evil agents or my publisher says things like “when are you going to start making money for us?” then my self confidence begins to waver, but hey, I’m only human). So all this was boiling in my brain when I received a text message from the doctor offering me a home cooked meal and TLC (I’d had a bad day and might have sent him a pejorative message that read “I hate the world” which was actually meant to be read as “I kind of hate you” for all of the above reasons stated). Now usually when I’m annoyed with someone or trying to teach them a lesson I have amazing self restraint. People can be iced out for weeks in my world and never know quite why. That morning I was all but set to do that to this guy, but when he sent me an offer all of a sudden my resolved just dissolved. I’m not quite sure why. I guess I like to be fed. Actually, the truth was I really couldn’t figure out why I was so peeved with him in the first place. There was really no reason that I should have formed all this resentment. I text messaged him Saturday, he text me right back. It seemed that he was busy, from his text, so I made plans with my friend--which was actually what I wanted to do in the first place, but felt some how obligated to ask him first since the last time we saw one another he had made some noncommittal statement about wanting to get together over the weekend. He even called later to confirm that yes he was busy, but he’d be calling to just to see how I was later. I wasn’t quite sure how to deal with the follow up phone call. It’d seemed somehow unnecessary since his text clearly indicated he would be busy and I was already engaged in my night’s plan, which in my minds eye were so much cooler than his plans anyway (he was going to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory . . .on Saturday night! Can we say NERD?). When I analyzed the situation I determined that he was probably calling because if I were a “normal girl” I would be waiting on pins and needles just to receive that final confirmation that he was indeed busy and then be pissed off about the fact that he’d rather go see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory than see me. And thinking that I SHOULD feel that way, suddenly started to make me feel that way, even though I had made plans by that point that not only did not include him but would have personally embarrassed me if he had come along. (P.S. I realize that it is wrong to feel embarrassed by a person that one might sort of be seeing, but he is a button down prep and I feel relatively safe in saying that both of us would feel extremely uncomfortable if he were to come with/see me in my downtown party world. It’s an issue I suppose I must resolve within myself). So now I’ve decided to feel irrationally angry and devise ways of punishing him, which mostly predicate on never speaking to him again--which seemed fine on Sunday, but by Monday was making me a little sad. So when he text messaged me and offered food and attention I jumped on it with fervor and relief.
Looking back at my roller coaster of emotions (keeping in mind that I am also slightly hormonal) I’m trying to determine what this all means. I don’t know why I reacted this way. From a logical perspective (which is of course always my perspective) I see that this was all totally irrational. Part of me feels I’m just looking for a chance to escape from this situation that is making me feel more uneasy by the day. Or that I’m trying to pre-empt any his nefarious actions, unfortunately there is nothing to pre-empt. For whatever reason it’s just really hard for me to believe that he’s genuinely nice and honest guy or maybe I just don’t want him to be. After years of playing games and fucking with people’s mind, it seems strange not to have that. It’s like I want him to screw with me just so I can get back to a playing field I understand and fuck with him right back (and ultimately come out the winner). But he’s not. Or he is by simply not. Grrr!!! What the hell is this, please?
So yesterday I was all set to sit down at my computer and write an extensive post about how previously mentioned boy (the doctor) actually didn’t like me as much as I thought he did and how much it sucked that he did not like me as much as I thought he did because he put all this effort into making me like him in the first place and to turn me away the moment that this liking actually started to percolate seemed some how counterintuitive and . . .well . . .mean. I was going to say how much I didn’t like this relationship thing (even though what I am involved in could hardly constitute a “relationship” per say) because it left me feeling unsure of myself and I don’t like to feel unsure of myself because on the average basis I would probably tell you that I am a very confident person (except when I get yelled at by evil agents or my publisher says things like “when are you going to start making money for us?” then my self confidence begins to waver, but hey, I’m only human). So all this was boiling in my brain when I received a text message from the doctor offering me a home cooked meal and TLC (I’d had a bad day and might have sent him a pejorative message that read “I hate the world” which was actually meant to be read as “I kind of hate you” for all of the above reasons stated). Now usually when I’m annoyed with someone or trying to teach them a lesson I have amazing self restraint. People can be iced out for weeks in my world and never know quite why. That morning I was all but set to do that to this guy, but when he sent me an offer all of a sudden my resolved just dissolved. I’m not quite sure why. I guess I like to be fed. Actually, the truth was I really couldn’t figure out why I was so peeved with him in the first place. There was really no reason that I should have formed all this resentment. I text messaged him Saturday, he text me right back. It seemed that he was busy, from his text, so I made plans with my friend--which was actually what I wanted to do in the first place, but felt some how obligated to ask him first since the last time we saw one another he had made some noncommittal statement about wanting to get together over the weekend. He even called later to confirm that yes he was busy, but he’d be calling to just to see how I was later. I wasn’t quite sure how to deal with the follow up phone call. It’d seemed somehow unnecessary since his text clearly indicated he would be busy and I was already engaged in my night’s plan, which in my minds eye were so much cooler than his plans anyway (he was going to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory . . .on Saturday night! Can we say NERD?). When I analyzed the situation I determined that he was probably calling because if I were a “normal girl” I would be waiting on pins and needles just to receive that final confirmation that he was indeed busy and then be pissed off about the fact that he’d rather go see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory than see me. And thinking that I SHOULD feel that way, suddenly started to make me feel that way, even though I had made plans by that point that not only did not include him but would have personally embarrassed me if he had come along. (P.S. I realize that it is wrong to feel embarrassed by a person that one might sort of be seeing, but he is a button down prep and I feel relatively safe in saying that both of us would feel extremely uncomfortable if he were to come with/see me in my downtown party world. It’s an issue I suppose I must resolve within myself). So now I’ve decided to feel irrationally angry and devise ways of punishing him, which mostly predicate on never speaking to him again--which seemed fine on Sunday, but by Monday was making me a little sad. So when he text messaged me and offered food and attention I jumped on it with fervor and relief.
Looking back at my roller coaster of emotions (keeping in mind that I am also slightly hormonal) I’m trying to determine what this all means. I don’t know why I reacted this way. From a logical perspective (which is of course always my perspective) I see that this was all totally irrational. Part of me feels I’m just looking for a chance to escape from this situation that is making me feel more uneasy by the day. Or that I’m trying to pre-empt any his nefarious actions, unfortunately there is nothing to pre-empt. For whatever reason it’s just really hard for me to believe that he’s genuinely nice and honest guy or maybe I just don’t want him to be. After years of playing games and fucking with people’s mind, it seems strange not to have that. It’s like I want him to screw with me just so I can get back to a playing field I understand and fuck with him right back (and ultimately come out the winner). But he’s not. Or he is by simply not. Grrr!!! What the hell is this, please?