I feel lower and more hopeless today than I have in months.
The issue of getting over J was the reason for going to counseling. Yet here I sit, wishing more than ever that I could talk to him. While I went to counseling, the floor dropped out at home.
Cw has been out of work for the last two months with health issues. He's been on medical leave.
He was supposed to go back to work tomorrow, but the doctor neglected to write up the release note so he could do that. The doctor also left on vacation without seeing to it that the paperwork was turned in giving the information to the HR office.
So, while he was at the office trying to sort all this out, he got word that his leave is revoked. That means that he's now showing as simply absent for that entire time. He's likely to be fired.
As if that wasn't enough, his brother called to say that his mother is dying and he better make a trip to see her soon.
This means that I am now the only provider in the house. It means I now have to figure out how to pay the rent and bills on my own. It means I have to figure out how to get Cw to his mother and back, asap.
It means that though the counseling session was mentally and emotionally brutal, I have absolutely no one to turn to. I have no help, no encouragement, no one who can be with me while I cry myself stupid.
So I went to counseling to start getting over missing J all the time... and I come home missing his understanding and steadying presence. I sit alone in my room wishing he was around to listen. I cry and wish he could make me laugh.
It's all so overwhelming that I can't help feeling like giving up completely. I just can't do this, can't carry this all alone without even a friend to stand by me.
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