It's still moving forward
It's all in fits and starts, but it's moving forward all the same.
I see the first of two counselors tomorrow. Yep, two. I got in with one on Friday and other one on Monday next week. I'll decide which to work with after I meet both.
I'm still having anxiety attacks about going and I asked Cw to drive me over tomorrow. I'd rather not kill someone on the way. I hate that I feel such terror about going. In the past I've felt hesitant or nervous, but mostly relieved because I knew things would get better. This time, it's just screaming terror. You'd think I was going for an amputation, not a counseling session.
I will do it though. I'll have the support of Cw and Nw and my kids and friends. I'll face down the part of me that still hurts and I'll find a way to heal instead of ignore it and let it fester.
Small steps, as I'm able, still moving forward.
J said, when we spoke, what we had was real and he had nightmares about me not understanding. I think something I'll have to address in counseling is that I don't understand. I don't understand how, if it was real, did he always choose her over me and what we had? How did he keep shoving me aside until I had no choice but to leave or be his mistress?
No, I don't understand. I don't think he could help me understand. Somehow though, I have got to get past it before I lose the life I've found.
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