I'm getting published
I had a comment left on a post that I saw this morning asking me to consider submitting an earlier post for a magazine to publish. In all honesty, I had forgotten the details of the post. The mention of the title brought it back to mind and I recalled making the post, but I didn't recall exactly what was said. The post asking for the submission said that they liked the style in which I wrote it though.
Well, I'm a tad cautious about publishing anything just because someone likes it. Many people like bad writing. If I don't think it's a good sample of my writing ability though, I don't publish it. So, I went and looked up the post. ( Here)
Wow. Ouch. Yeah, the writing is acceptable so I made the submission. If anyone is interested in the submission process or the project, here's the link for that. But seriously, it feels a little like someone punched me squarely in the chest, re-reading that post. Mostly because I still get that "why aren't you here" feeling. I still don't go a day without thinking of J and wishing I could talk to him again.
I shared the post with Nw, and she and I talked for a while after she had read it. She came out to the porch where I had gone to shake off my own re-reading of it and asked if I was ok after reading that. She could relate to the emotion behind the post, having had a relationship in her own past that dissolved and recalling how she felt at that time.
Ok is honestly a matter of perspective. I felt a little like crying, but didn't. I felt, and still feel a sadness about it all, though that hasn't ever really left me. I feel the space in my life that J used to fill, even as a friend. I'm ok in the sense that I'm not going to fall apart or go wallowing in self-pity over the breakup again. That will have to suffice for now.
As I told Nw, when we talked, there are often times that I wonder if we could be friends again, just talk again, just hang out again. I told her that I still miss his presence in my life, and while I don't know what I'd do with it if I had it, I want it still. I want the way things were when we would hang out, how he could always make me laugh and smile, how intelligent he was, and how at ease I always felt with him.
Her response was that perhaps we could talk and maybe even be friends, but that she doesn't think J deserves that. He had that opportunity, to have me in his life, and threw it away, with no regard for the value of my presence in his life. She says I'd be better served by finding people who would be enriched by my presence in their lives and who would value me properly. She's probably right, but the emptiness is there and right now it's at the surface. It's hard to resist. It's hard to have that space that he filled for 18 yrs of my life, and to have it sitting empty.
I can at least say that I'm happier now with Cw and Nw than I was with J, and know that it's a drastic understatement. This relationship with Cw has been stable, secure, and all in all a good experience. My initial response to his advances was pure panic, which Nw now understands, having read the letter. I'm glad I didn't let my fears rule me though, glad I still don't let them rule me as they sometimes would like to. I have a good man in my life who I love and who loves me, and a wonderful friend in his wife. That's worth facing down some fears.
Who knows what may come of this publishing. At least I'll be in print again, and that's a first since 1995! Too long since my words were in print, too long since I let the world into the thoughts in my mind and the emotion in my heart. I'll let everyone know when the publishing happens. This is a positive thing to come out of such a painful time in my life. You'll all have to excuse me while I wish that I hadn't had the experience at all.
Well, I'm a tad cautious about publishing anything just because someone likes it. Many people like bad writing. If I don't think it's a good sample of my writing ability though, I don't publish it. So, I went and looked up the post. ( Here)
Wow. Ouch. Yeah, the writing is acceptable so I made the submission. If anyone is interested in the submission process or the project, here's the link for that. But seriously, it feels a little like someone punched me squarely in the chest, re-reading that post. Mostly because I still get that "why aren't you here" feeling. I still don't go a day without thinking of J and wishing I could talk to him again.
I shared the post with Nw, and she and I talked for a while after she had read it. She came out to the porch where I had gone to shake off my own re-reading of it and asked if I was ok after reading that. She could relate to the emotion behind the post, having had a relationship in her own past that dissolved and recalling how she felt at that time.
Ok is honestly a matter of perspective. I felt a little like crying, but didn't. I felt, and still feel a sadness about it all, though that hasn't ever really left me. I feel the space in my life that J used to fill, even as a friend. I'm ok in the sense that I'm not going to fall apart or go wallowing in self-pity over the breakup again. That will have to suffice for now.
As I told Nw, when we talked, there are often times that I wonder if we could be friends again, just talk again, just hang out again. I told her that I still miss his presence in my life, and while I don't know what I'd do with it if I had it, I want it still. I want the way things were when we would hang out, how he could always make me laugh and smile, how intelligent he was, and how at ease I always felt with him.
Her response was that perhaps we could talk and maybe even be friends, but that she doesn't think J deserves that. He had that opportunity, to have me in his life, and threw it away, with no regard for the value of my presence in his life. She says I'd be better served by finding people who would be enriched by my presence in their lives and who would value me properly. She's probably right, but the emptiness is there and right now it's at the surface. It's hard to resist. It's hard to have that space that he filled for 18 yrs of my life, and to have it sitting empty.
I can at least say that I'm happier now with Cw and Nw than I was with J, and know that it's a drastic understatement. This relationship with Cw has been stable, secure, and all in all a good experience. My initial response to his advances was pure panic, which Nw now understands, having read the letter. I'm glad I didn't let my fears rule me though, glad I still don't let them rule me as they sometimes would like to. I have a good man in my life who I love and who loves me, and a wonderful friend in his wife. That's worth facing down some fears.
Who knows what may come of this publishing. At least I'll be in print again, and that's a first since 1995! Too long since my words were in print, too long since I let the world into the thoughts in my mind and the emotion in my heart. I'll let everyone know when the publishing happens. This is a positive thing to come out of such a painful time in my life. You'll all have to excuse me while I wish that I hadn't had the experience at all.