Chuck Norris vs. Vin Diesel
In the online game World of WarCraft, Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris are idols. There's one specific area known as "The Barrens" in which horde players go at each other with insanely creative things about why Chuck or Vin is better. Since the Barrens is the biggest, and quite possibly most boring, area in the game to quest we have a lot of time to think about witty comments.
Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
Once, Chuck Norris was partying all night, and the sun came up. Chuck Norris didn't want to stop partying, so he made the sun go back down. With his mind.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
CNN was originally the "Chuck Norris Network" but was later changed to a news station because the awesomeness of a Chuck Norris network kept blowing up satellites, TVs, and viewers' eyeballs.
There are two kinds of people in this world: People who are Chuck Norris, and people who are going
to die
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
Chuck Norris once crossed a baby seal lying on the ground injured. He then proceeded to make a delicious sandwich.
Chuck Norris created a circle with corners.
Chuck Norris was told that the Statue of David was the world's best statue. He replied by roundhouse kicking a mountain, the result was a 2,000ft statue of Chuck Norris. He then destroyed it because it was too awesome for anyone but him to see.
Chuck Norris once killed seventeen people with a roll of Scott toilet paper
and remember:Chuck Norris does not grow old. He merely puts on a disguise of a balding head and greying beard
every now and then to lure people into thinking they can take him. Then, he roundhouse kicks them in the face.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death
Chuck Norris invented the C-section when he roundhouse kicked his way into the world.
Chuck Norris is the only person to win an Olympic Gold Medal in swimming without ever getting wet.
One time, Chuck Norris stubbed his toe, and destroyed the whole state of Ohio.
Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
Chuck Norris' chest hair has chest hair
Rather then being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead punched his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts abilities. Shortly after the transaction was finished, Chuck roundhous kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should of saw it coming. They now played poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck norris brought a still born baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal had sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck roundhoused kicked the animal breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth and Chuck taketh away.
Chuck Norris's penis tastes better then anything in existence. However, if you attempted to taste it you would die. This has been attempted once and is more commonly referred to as the War of 1812.
Chuck Norris has created a language that incoporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time he's kicking your ass, don't get offended because he may just saying he likes your hat.
Vin Diesel
Vin Diesel is the only man to beat a wall in tennis.
Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.
Whenever you choke on something, this is just Vin Diesel getting his satisfaction.
You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.
Vin Diesel converted his liver into a black hole through sheer willpower.
Vin Diesel does not type "LOL," "ROFL," or "jk;" he writes everything out and does not use contractions. Vin Diesel is also never "just kidding."
Vin Diesel only says "ROFL" when he falls out of his chair, rolls on the floor, and laughs.
Vin Diesel sneezes in reverse.
Anything you can do, Vin can do better. Vin can do anything better than you.
Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.
Vin Diesel has just been added to the periodic table, as he is a pure element unto himself. The symbol for Vin Diesel is Vn, because Vd would've implied STDs.
Vin Diesel speaks in Dolby 5.1 surround sound.
The square root of -1 was once the only thing that could rival Vin Diesel's power. Vin Diesel destroyed it after an epic battle that lasted the square root of -1 years. Since that day, the square root of -1 has become imaginary.
It was actually Vin Diesel, and not Otto von Bisarck, who was responsible for the unfication of Germany. The reason for the clerical error in the history books is that a majority of book production machinery cannot handle the sheer power of the name of Vin Diesel and thus spits out random letters. The fact that they all spew out "Otto von Bismarck" is simply by chance.
Vin Diesel wrote The Diary of Anne Frank.
Vin Diesel blew up the Hindenburg because he hates fat people.
If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.
Vin Diesel once inhaled an ostrich.
It takes Vin Diesel 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Vin Diesel once ate an entire band for playing a tune off-key. He then belched the song in the correct key, to the delight and horror of the audience.
Vin Diesel invented cancer because he was tired of killing off people one by one.
Vin Diesel's right eye sees the future, his left eye sees the past.
Vin Diesel played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Vin Diesel has a vending machine in his basement filled with Japanese people.
In space, Vin Diesel can hear you scream.
Magnetic compasses do not point toward true North - they point in the direction of Vin Diesel. He just likes to sit on a lawn chair and shout, "Jackets are for pussies!" at the Acrtic researchers.
Vin Diesel lead a band of misfit heroes in World War 2. The group consisted of himself, Batman, Albert Einstein, Mr. T, Jesus and The Fonz. When the Nazi's learned of this they immediately surrendered. When Vin heard the Nazi surrender he simply laughed stating, "German is a funny language."
When Vin Diesel gets in a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The watever gets Vin Diesel'd.
I heard Vin Diesel can divide by zero
I heard Vin Diesel can beat Halo 2 on Legendary in 8 minutes flat
Vin Diesel's tears contain the cure for cancer... too bad he never cries.
One time I got jumped by 20 raptors and out of nowhere Vin Diesel hopped out in an eye patch and killed them all with lazer beams from his eyes. After that he threw me a box of Cheerios and flew away.
When Vin Diesel created mankind he sacrificed all his hair so we could have it instead
Vin Diesel built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Vin deflected all three bullets with his skull. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
For thanksgiving, most people deep fry turkey's. Vin Diesel deep frieds his grandma.
When Vin Diesel was fighting Jesus, Jesus tried to walk on water to get away but Vin Diesel just whipped out his undeniably large wang and knocked Jesus off his concentration, and later he drowned to death.
It was once believed that Vin Diesel lost a fight to a pirate, but that's a lie, created by Vin Diesel himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Hiroshima was never bombed, Vin Diesel just jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
You know the blurry vision of bigfoot? What they didn't catch was Vin beating the living hell out of him Riddick style. The reason no other video footage has ever been recorded of Bigfoot is because he now resides in Vin's home, in a french maid outfit.
Once, Mr. T, Chuck Norris, and Vin Diesel all entered the same room at the same time. The sheer force of their combined presence resulted in time stopping for seven days while God attempted to recreate the world.
Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
Once, Chuck Norris was partying all night, and the sun came up. Chuck Norris didn't want to stop partying, so he made the sun go back down. With his mind.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
CNN was originally the "Chuck Norris Network" but was later changed to a news station because the awesomeness of a Chuck Norris network kept blowing up satellites, TVs, and viewers' eyeballs.
There are two kinds of people in this world: People who are Chuck Norris, and people who are going
to die
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
Chuck Norris once crossed a baby seal lying on the ground injured. He then proceeded to make a delicious sandwich.
Chuck Norris created a circle with corners.
Chuck Norris was told that the Statue of David was the world's best statue. He replied by roundhouse kicking a mountain, the result was a 2,000ft statue of Chuck Norris. He then destroyed it because it was too awesome for anyone but him to see.
Chuck Norris once killed seventeen people with a roll of Scott toilet paper
and remember:Chuck Norris does not grow old. He merely puts on a disguise of a balding head and greying beard
every now and then to lure people into thinking they can take him. Then, he roundhouse kicks them in the face.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death
Chuck Norris invented the C-section when he roundhouse kicked his way into the world.
Chuck Norris is the only person to win an Olympic Gold Medal in swimming without ever getting wet.
One time, Chuck Norris stubbed his toe, and destroyed the whole state of Ohio.
Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
Chuck Norris' chest hair has chest hair
Rather then being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead punched his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts abilities. Shortly after the transaction was finished, Chuck roundhous kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should of saw it coming. They now played poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck norris brought a still born baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal had sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck roundhoused kicked the animal breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth and Chuck taketh away.
Chuck Norris's penis tastes better then anything in existence. However, if you attempted to taste it you would die. This has been attempted once and is more commonly referred to as the War of 1812.
Chuck Norris has created a language that incoporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time he's kicking your ass, don't get offended because he may just saying he likes your hat.
Vin Diesel
Vin Diesel is the only man to beat a wall in tennis.
Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.
Whenever you choke on something, this is just Vin Diesel getting his satisfaction.
You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.
Vin Diesel converted his liver into a black hole through sheer willpower.
Vin Diesel does not type "LOL," "ROFL," or "jk;" he writes everything out and does not use contractions. Vin Diesel is also never "just kidding."
Vin Diesel only says "ROFL" when he falls out of his chair, rolls on the floor, and laughs.
Vin Diesel sneezes in reverse.
Anything you can do, Vin can do better. Vin can do anything better than you.
Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.
Vin Diesel has just been added to the periodic table, as he is a pure element unto himself. The symbol for Vin Diesel is Vn, because Vd would've implied STDs.
Vin Diesel speaks in Dolby 5.1 surround sound.
The square root of -1 was once the only thing that could rival Vin Diesel's power. Vin Diesel destroyed it after an epic battle that lasted the square root of -1 years. Since that day, the square root of -1 has become imaginary.
It was actually Vin Diesel, and not Otto von Bisarck, who was responsible for the unfication of Germany. The reason for the clerical error in the history books is that a majority of book production machinery cannot handle the sheer power of the name of Vin Diesel and thus spits out random letters. The fact that they all spew out "Otto von Bismarck" is simply by chance.
Vin Diesel wrote The Diary of Anne Frank.
Vin Diesel blew up the Hindenburg because he hates fat people.
If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.
Vin Diesel once inhaled an ostrich.
It takes Vin Diesel 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Vin Diesel once ate an entire band for playing a tune off-key. He then belched the song in the correct key, to the delight and horror of the audience.
Vin Diesel invented cancer because he was tired of killing off people one by one.
Vin Diesel's right eye sees the future, his left eye sees the past.
Vin Diesel played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Vin Diesel has a vending machine in his basement filled with Japanese people.
In space, Vin Diesel can hear you scream.
Magnetic compasses do not point toward true North - they point in the direction of Vin Diesel. He just likes to sit on a lawn chair and shout, "Jackets are for pussies!" at the Acrtic researchers.
Vin Diesel lead a band of misfit heroes in World War 2. The group consisted of himself, Batman, Albert Einstein, Mr. T, Jesus and The Fonz. When the Nazi's learned of this they immediately surrendered. When Vin heard the Nazi surrender he simply laughed stating, "German is a funny language."
When Vin Diesel gets in a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The watever gets Vin Diesel'd.
I heard Vin Diesel can divide by zero
I heard Vin Diesel can beat Halo 2 on Legendary in 8 minutes flat
Vin Diesel's tears contain the cure for cancer... too bad he never cries.
One time I got jumped by 20 raptors and out of nowhere Vin Diesel hopped out in an eye patch and killed them all with lazer beams from his eyes. After that he threw me a box of Cheerios and flew away.
When Vin Diesel created mankind he sacrificed all his hair so we could have it instead
Vin Diesel built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Vin deflected all three bullets with his skull. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
For thanksgiving, most people deep fry turkey's. Vin Diesel deep frieds his grandma.
When Vin Diesel was fighting Jesus, Jesus tried to walk on water to get away but Vin Diesel just whipped out his undeniably large wang and knocked Jesus off his concentration, and later he drowned to death.
It was once believed that Vin Diesel lost a fight to a pirate, but that's a lie, created by Vin Diesel himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Hiroshima was never bombed, Vin Diesel just jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
You know the blurry vision of bigfoot? What they didn't catch was Vin beating the living hell out of him Riddick style. The reason no other video footage has ever been recorded of Bigfoot is because he now resides in Vin's home, in a french maid outfit.
Once, Mr. T, Chuck Norris, and Vin Diesel all entered the same room at the same time. The sheer force of their combined presence resulted in time stopping for seven days while God attempted to recreate the world.