We were looking for ourselves, and found each other
I am angry. I am angry with the stupidity of people. I can't belive that some things are allowed to slide and others are punished as if they're the worst offense a human could commit.
It must be nice to be in government or a huge corporation where you can get away with whatever you'd like. Like getting away with justifying war based on false evidence, sending peoples' sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, friends...off to DIE over a cause that no one even knows anymore. Ask anyone why they think we're at war. Most people will tell you that we're at war with Iraq because of 9/11. And yes, I am saying we're still at war. Fuck that shit about "Mission Accomplished." What mission? The mission to create a situation where more soldiers and american civilians living abroad will die during so-called "peacetime" than during the unsupported war? Fuck you, bush.
I was so upset the other day, when I was talking to my Grandmother. Last time we hung out, she blew me away telling me all these new ideas she had about the government. I was amazed, thinking my Gram finally renounced her Republican ways after 73 years. Then we talked the other day, and she was DEFENDING Bush. Why? Because of clinton's book coming out, and how she feels that clinton was an unfit leader because of his sexual escapades. I don't think he was a great president, either, but hey...I'm not a democrat. I'd take 4 more years of a fake pop-culture prez who's getting some ass over bush in a second. Maybe bush just needs a hummer in the oval office, then maybe he'd stop killing innocent people...oh WAIT...clinton did that TOO. Fucking presidents.
Anyway, Gram was defending bush and talking about how kerry was an unfit candidate because he's too liberal, and blah blah blah...it was all I could do to keep my mouth shut. If it was just her and I, I would have told her exactly what I thought, but Laura, her neighbor (who's practically my adopted gram, they've been watching out for each other for almost 10 years now), was in the car, also. She was agreeing with everything Gram said and adding her own 2 cents in. I "behaved" for Laura's benefit. Interestingly, though, for the first time I visited Gram, I didn't take my potentially "upsetting" buttons off my bag, such as my "If you cut off my reproductive freedom, can I cut off yours?" or my gay pride pin, or such pins as "Proud to be an american, ashamed of my government" and various pro-choice, anti-war, anti-racist and anti-government sentiments. They stayed. No comments were made, either. I didn't even think about it, as for about 15 minutes, I was sitting with my bag in my lap, the pins all facing gram's side of the car, and I know she looked at them. I think sometimes she's afraid I'm gay, but doesn't want to talk about it, in case it's true (it's almost law in my family that if you don't talk about things they don't exist).
It did not help that when we got to dinner, Laura, Gram and I, once we sat down...Laura decides to bellow out, "So, Diana, how is your love life?" I had held my tongue long enough and thought to myself, hey she asked, she's gonna hear the truth. So, in so many words, I basically said to her, "Well, everyone in my family is either married or engaged. The last guy I dated I was with for over a year, then he cheated on me and started dating someone else without breaking up with me. I just turned 23 and you probably consider me an old maid, so I'm not feeling so hot about my love life. But thanks for asking." She actually laughed. Yep, silly me...doing my standup routine at the dinner table again...when will I learn. This was immediately followed by an intense discussion of Gram looking down the menu item by item and telling me what to order. I had already decided what I wanted to eat, and states this. Gram kept telling me that I needed to order more to eat. Laura then joined the bandwagon and started suggesting meat dishes. I guess since I'm kinda used to this, constantly getting heckled by the carnivores I live with, I was actually surprisingly nice to them, just smiling and saying I already decided what I wanted to eat. When our food came, Laura kept trying to offer me her fried shrimp and french fries. Gram also was trying to get me to eat some of her pasta....that had alfredo sauce on it. When I finished about half of my plate of mushrooms, and the conversation started drifting back to a mix of politics and my family...I had to leave. I excused myself, saying that the restaurant was too closed-in, and I was feeling claustrophobic (the restaurant IS very small, and I was feeling pretty oppressed, so whatever. It was a good excuse). I went outside to breathe, and just wanted to leave. I called Sarah and that helped a bit. I tried to get in touch with Adam Tarbox, since he lives really close to gram, but no dice. When I went back inside, I was informed that they'd ordered 2 different desserts, which I could pick from and eat at home...one was cheesecake (the real kind) and the other was a lemon cake (think Borders' lemon bars). Thanks guys. I'll take what's behind door #3...I don't need dessert.
I'm already rambling and going into way too much detail. Whatever. We went back home, and I put some stuff away in the attic, only to find the air conditioner guy had BROKEN THE LIGHT. Luckily there wasn't shattered glass everywhere, but I had to haul things up into the dark attic while carrying a flashlight. It was also over 90 degrees up there. I got stuff away, grabbed a few pairs of shoes, some of my Spanish books, and a few folders (i'll have to talk about those at another point...hehe). I also put some clothes away, and grabbed some more summery stuff. On my birthday, Steph and I were talking about microfiber shirts, and I had said that I owned one. I had bought it years ago, and I've never worn it. The thing is that it's form-fitting, and the nature of the material is that it accentuates curves...good AND bad. I tried it on, and went into gram's room, explaining to her that when I get my abs and arms all ripped, I'll wear this shirt all the freakin time, cuz you'd be able to see the muscles right through the shirt and it'll look really hot. She gave me this funny look like she was kinda surprised and said "You look really good in that shirt right now!" That made me go over to a mirror...but it also made me smile, because my gram isn't one for complimenting my figure. She's one of the worst critics, who usually points out even if I"m just wearing a baggy shirt...telling me I look fat in it or whatever. So, anway, the shirt. I brought it with me back to al's, but I don't feel comfortable wearing it yet. But whatever, that's a whole different story.
On the drive home, after having kept my mouth shut over political discussions earlier in the day, when Gram opened the door by throwing out a less than appreciative opinion of the police, I actually spoke my mind. Being in agreement over the less than respectable ways most cops work, the discussion started out really well. She was telling me about a lot of immigrants that she knows in the area that are trying to start a new life here, who are getting screwed constantly by the gov't, by the cops, by everyone. We talked about some other things that have been happening in the news, about abusive cops, things of that nature. When the conversation turned to sentencing, and how it's so out of hand how huge corporations are being let go over huge offenses, and the average Joe is getting sentenced up the goat ass over much lesser offenses, I turned the conversation. I told her about Jeff "Free" Luers, and even though she didn't agree with what he did, she was appalled by his sentence. The fact that he was sentenced to 23 years for what is truly just destruction of property really got her mad. Serving a longer sentence than someone convicted of MANSLAUGHTER? Absolutely not. Gram actually got pretty passionate about this for a few minutes. But then she told me not to get caught up with "that kind of people" and asked me not to go to any more protests or marches, in case someone near me does something illegal and I end up arrested. Well, I almost got through to her for a few minutes.
Spacey is playing with a tic tac box that has one tic tac left. I'm highly amused by this.
Why do I get personally upset when friends of mine tell me they've been doing drugs? I've never smoked a cigarette, smoked pot, or done any drugs at all for that matter...but I used to drink...a lot. I only stopped drinking for good less than a year ago. I hate people who are judgmental, especially when they're hypocrites about it...I don't want to judge people based on their choices, but I just can't pretend I don't care if my friends are doing drugs. I don't act like I'm better than them for not having done those things, because I don't think I am...I just get sad. I get especially sad when their reasons for doing the drugs in the first place was because life sucks so bad. And I know it does...it really does. I'm getting so overtired I can't even make sense anymore. But yeah...I used to try to drink my problems away, and look how well that worked.
Anyway. I got 3 rolls of film developed today, and I got some amazing shots. I had forgotten what was on the beginning of the roll that was in my SLR...and it was the pictures I had started to take on my photo shoot with Sarah. There were a few pictures that I was just struck by. I'm not saying that to be like "wow I'm such an incredible photographer!" I'm saying that with the intention of getting across how lucky I am to have such genuine, expressive, beautiful friends. Sarah just.......yeah.
This just also solidifies to me that I could never be a studio photographer. I can't be like...look over here, and give me "sexy!" Not my thing. But what I do try to do, I seem to be able to capture well. I'd love to do shoots with quite a few other people, but a lot of people aren't game. I can understand that...I don't think I'd feel comfortable being someone's photo shoot subject. I definitely need to do a shoot with Jamie though. As long as he doesn't pose or try to make silly faces. There are a bunch of others...even some that at first I didn't think would be so great, I thought about again...the first really great b/w photo shoot I did in college was soph. year...with Allison, Phred and Alex. Who knew Phred would cooperate? Who knew that some of my best shots would be from Alex, who we didn't really know all too well, and who I'd never really seen express emotions other than "tired" and "silly." I knew I'd get awesome shots out of Allison. I always do. Steph, too.
Ok...now I'm just rambling. I can write about this stuff anytime...now is not the right time, though. Time for an attempted nap before 2 days of Cafe Inventory HELL begins. I think I'm going to see if I can pass off storytime tomorrow to someone else, to be sure I don't have to stay 2 hours late to get my inventory done (last month I actually was done before my scheduled time to clock out, but I also had an extra day to work on it...and begged my way out of having reg and Minfo time to finish).
Shutting up now.
It must be nice to be in government or a huge corporation where you can get away with whatever you'd like. Like getting away with justifying war based on false evidence, sending peoples' sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, friends...off to DIE over a cause that no one even knows anymore. Ask anyone why they think we're at war. Most people will tell you that we're at war with Iraq because of 9/11. And yes, I am saying we're still at war. Fuck that shit about "Mission Accomplished." What mission? The mission to create a situation where more soldiers and american civilians living abroad will die during so-called "peacetime" than during the unsupported war? Fuck you, bush.
I was so upset the other day, when I was talking to my Grandmother. Last time we hung out, she blew me away telling me all these new ideas she had about the government. I was amazed, thinking my Gram finally renounced her Republican ways after 73 years. Then we talked the other day, and she was DEFENDING Bush. Why? Because of clinton's book coming out, and how she feels that clinton was an unfit leader because of his sexual escapades. I don't think he was a great president, either, but hey...I'm not a democrat. I'd take 4 more years of a fake pop-culture prez who's getting some ass over bush in a second. Maybe bush just needs a hummer in the oval office, then maybe he'd stop killing innocent people...oh WAIT...clinton did that TOO. Fucking presidents.
Anyway, Gram was defending bush and talking about how kerry was an unfit candidate because he's too liberal, and blah blah blah...it was all I could do to keep my mouth shut. If it was just her and I, I would have told her exactly what I thought, but Laura, her neighbor (who's practically my adopted gram, they've been watching out for each other for almost 10 years now), was in the car, also. She was agreeing with everything Gram said and adding her own 2 cents in. I "behaved" for Laura's benefit. Interestingly, though, for the first time I visited Gram, I didn't take my potentially "upsetting" buttons off my bag, such as my "If you cut off my reproductive freedom, can I cut off yours?" or my gay pride pin, or such pins as "Proud to be an american, ashamed of my government" and various pro-choice, anti-war, anti-racist and anti-government sentiments. They stayed. No comments were made, either. I didn't even think about it, as for about 15 minutes, I was sitting with my bag in my lap, the pins all facing gram's side of the car, and I know she looked at them. I think sometimes she's afraid I'm gay, but doesn't want to talk about it, in case it's true (it's almost law in my family that if you don't talk about things they don't exist).
It did not help that when we got to dinner, Laura, Gram and I, once we sat down...Laura decides to bellow out, "So, Diana, how is your love life?" I had held my tongue long enough and thought to myself, hey she asked, she's gonna hear the truth. So, in so many words, I basically said to her, "Well, everyone in my family is either married or engaged. The last guy I dated I was with for over a year, then he cheated on me and started dating someone else without breaking up with me. I just turned 23 and you probably consider me an old maid, so I'm not feeling so hot about my love life. But thanks for asking." She actually laughed. Yep, silly me...doing my standup routine at the dinner table again...when will I learn. This was immediately followed by an intense discussion of Gram looking down the menu item by item and telling me what to order. I had already decided what I wanted to eat, and states this. Gram kept telling me that I needed to order more to eat. Laura then joined the bandwagon and started suggesting meat dishes. I guess since I'm kinda used to this, constantly getting heckled by the carnivores I live with, I was actually surprisingly nice to them, just smiling and saying I already decided what I wanted to eat. When our food came, Laura kept trying to offer me her fried shrimp and french fries. Gram also was trying to get me to eat some of her pasta....that had alfredo sauce on it. When I finished about half of my plate of mushrooms, and the conversation started drifting back to a mix of politics and my family...I had to leave. I excused myself, saying that the restaurant was too closed-in, and I was feeling claustrophobic (the restaurant IS very small, and I was feeling pretty oppressed, so whatever. It was a good excuse). I went outside to breathe, and just wanted to leave. I called Sarah and that helped a bit. I tried to get in touch with Adam Tarbox, since he lives really close to gram, but no dice. When I went back inside, I was informed that they'd ordered 2 different desserts, which I could pick from and eat at home...one was cheesecake (the real kind) and the other was a lemon cake (think Borders' lemon bars). Thanks guys. I'll take what's behind door #3...I don't need dessert.
I'm already rambling and going into way too much detail. Whatever. We went back home, and I put some stuff away in the attic, only to find the air conditioner guy had BROKEN THE LIGHT. Luckily there wasn't shattered glass everywhere, but I had to haul things up into the dark attic while carrying a flashlight. It was also over 90 degrees up there. I got stuff away, grabbed a few pairs of shoes, some of my Spanish books, and a few folders (i'll have to talk about those at another point...hehe). I also put some clothes away, and grabbed some more summery stuff. On my birthday, Steph and I were talking about microfiber shirts, and I had said that I owned one. I had bought it years ago, and I've never worn it. The thing is that it's form-fitting, and the nature of the material is that it accentuates curves...good AND bad. I tried it on, and went into gram's room, explaining to her that when I get my abs and arms all ripped, I'll wear this shirt all the freakin time, cuz you'd be able to see the muscles right through the shirt and it'll look really hot. She gave me this funny look like she was kinda surprised and said "You look really good in that shirt right now!" That made me go over to a mirror...but it also made me smile, because my gram isn't one for complimenting my figure. She's one of the worst critics, who usually points out even if I"m just wearing a baggy shirt...telling me I look fat in it or whatever. So, anway, the shirt. I brought it with me back to al's, but I don't feel comfortable wearing it yet. But whatever, that's a whole different story.
On the drive home, after having kept my mouth shut over political discussions earlier in the day, when Gram opened the door by throwing out a less than appreciative opinion of the police, I actually spoke my mind. Being in agreement over the less than respectable ways most cops work, the discussion started out really well. She was telling me about a lot of immigrants that she knows in the area that are trying to start a new life here, who are getting screwed constantly by the gov't, by the cops, by everyone. We talked about some other things that have been happening in the news, about abusive cops, things of that nature. When the conversation turned to sentencing, and how it's so out of hand how huge corporations are being let go over huge offenses, and the average Joe is getting sentenced up the goat ass over much lesser offenses, I turned the conversation. I told her about Jeff "Free" Luers, and even though she didn't agree with what he did, she was appalled by his sentence. The fact that he was sentenced to 23 years for what is truly just destruction of property really got her mad. Serving a longer sentence than someone convicted of MANSLAUGHTER? Absolutely not. Gram actually got pretty passionate about this for a few minutes. But then she told me not to get caught up with "that kind of people" and asked me not to go to any more protests or marches, in case someone near me does something illegal and I end up arrested. Well, I almost got through to her for a few minutes.
Spacey is playing with a tic tac box that has one tic tac left. I'm highly amused by this.
Why do I get personally upset when friends of mine tell me they've been doing drugs? I've never smoked a cigarette, smoked pot, or done any drugs at all for that matter...but I used to drink...a lot. I only stopped drinking for good less than a year ago. I hate people who are judgmental, especially when they're hypocrites about it...I don't want to judge people based on their choices, but I just can't pretend I don't care if my friends are doing drugs. I don't act like I'm better than them for not having done those things, because I don't think I am...I just get sad. I get especially sad when their reasons for doing the drugs in the first place was because life sucks so bad. And I know it does...it really does. I'm getting so overtired I can't even make sense anymore. But yeah...I used to try to drink my problems away, and look how well that worked.
Anyway. I got 3 rolls of film developed today, and I got some amazing shots. I had forgotten what was on the beginning of the roll that was in my SLR...and it was the pictures I had started to take on my photo shoot with Sarah. There were a few pictures that I was just struck by. I'm not saying that to be like "wow I'm such an incredible photographer!" I'm saying that with the intention of getting across how lucky I am to have such genuine, expressive, beautiful friends. Sarah just.......yeah.
This just also solidifies to me that I could never be a studio photographer. I can't be like...look over here, and give me "sexy!" Not my thing. But what I do try to do, I seem to be able to capture well. I'd love to do shoots with quite a few other people, but a lot of people aren't game. I can understand that...I don't think I'd feel comfortable being someone's photo shoot subject. I definitely need to do a shoot with Jamie though. As long as he doesn't pose or try to make silly faces. There are a bunch of others...even some that at first I didn't think would be so great, I thought about again...the first really great b/w photo shoot I did in college was soph. year...with Allison, Phred and Alex. Who knew Phred would cooperate? Who knew that some of my best shots would be from Alex, who we didn't really know all too well, and who I'd never really seen express emotions other than "tired" and "silly." I knew I'd get awesome shots out of Allison. I always do. Steph, too.
Ok...now I'm just rambling. I can write about this stuff anytime...now is not the right time, though. Time for an attempted nap before 2 days of Cafe Inventory HELL begins. I think I'm going to see if I can pass off storytime tomorrow to someone else, to be sure I don't have to stay 2 hours late to get my inventory done (last month I actually was done before my scheduled time to clock out, but I also had an extra day to work on it...and begged my way out of having reg and Minfo time to finish).
Shutting up now.