Loss of a friend.
My first post is going to be this. I was planning to make a account on this live journal for some time but never had time to do it. Well i guess... the time has arrived. I need to let my thoughts out, even if that was with a complete stranger.
My friend has killed herself yesterday morning- 10 days shy of her 33rd birthday. The building that i ones called my "happy childhood" is shattered into million pieces.I cant look at that place anymore as a "happy place"We have been friends for over 25 years. in last 5 we became very close. I became more close to her then to her sister. SHe gained my trust and iwas there to help her deal with her depression and bipolar disorder. welll.... im not a professional psychologist but i sure am a good listener. Depression and bipolar disorder is one mean mean mean, wicked thing that has taken over her brain. We've talked about it. the enviormenet she lives in isnt the best.im in the states she is in a different country. There isnt much of a support service . Country is soo poor that cannot allow you to have any kind of support. there is no jobs.corruption is everywhere. Its a beautiful place no doubt - but.. that's about it. its just a beautiful country. if my english teacher saw my style of writing she would give me a HUGE F :D. but oh well.. i haven't written a journal since i was 16. anyways.. my thoughts are everywhere. i dont know where to start, how to start. what to say.. how to say it. i am in deep deep shock. i dont want to tell myself that is true, because i dont want it to be true. i have asked myself million questions "Why did she do it, what ticked her off to just jump off.. was she scared? what was she thinking of? she sure wasn't thinking of me, because if she did she knew better not to do what she did. 6th floor. SIXTH FLOOR!! they say she survived the fall but died at the hospital 2 hours later. her fragile body wasn't strong enough. i think because there were trees under her side of the window that would have saved her a little bit. i think "maybe she could have gotten stuck on the tree instead of fell down completely", how far did she fall? did she throw her sell off.. or just plunged down free fall. i see her face, i feel her pain in my gut. Tears are just falling and falling. but for some reason i dont feel angry. i know i have done everything in my power to help her. i tried to understand her depression and disorder. i tried to put up with her mood swings. i really did. some times she pisses me off with her crap and non sense.. and i would tell her off, but then i cooll off and tell myself " she isnt ok u cant react that way ". in a way she made me a stronger person - well maybe. im balling my eyes oout now.
-drugs- i think drugs have to be one more of a issue. she was hooked on heroin for some time, was using cocain among other things.. pills, marijuana. she was an addict on top of all of it. and i knew all that. of course - drugs are easy to find. fucking drugs! why can they just disappear. she would tell me how shes clean for 3 months and we would talk during those 3 months.. then.. she lapses.. she goes away for weeks. and i understood that. we live 5000 miles apart. different time zones - not always possible to meet. skype,facebook are free and always accessible, easier way of communication. we talked. we would talk for hours. catch up on things. talk about everything whats goin on in her life. i wasnt concerned much to talk about whats going on in my life. i let her vent. and she would always say how she loves to talk to me , how she empties her soul from all evil. its ok. i didnt mind. her evil didnt effect me- well i didnt let myself to effect me. its her evil that she releases. and that again is still ok. i just listened. she would tell me things that she would not tell her sister or her mother. Her father died when she was 4-5. her mother never remarried.so i listened and listened and listened. i gave her my opinion,advise when i could and was able to. i didnt care if she listened or not. i kind of threw it out there thinking she'll realize it. maybe she did. she was going to a therapist 1 a week and she would always tell me how she wishes i could be her therapist. maybe i should have been a psychologist. thats a different story. we talked.. and talked.. she never ever gave me a hint or a sign that she would do something to hurt herself. oh be sure if i knew or saw a sign i would have raised the roof and contacted higher help. but she never did. she would have these mood swings that she would remind me " dont get all mad... im bipolar". she wasnt a selfish person. she would give you everything she could but yesterday she was selfish enough to take herself from me, from us.. from people who truly cared about her and loved her. i guess that demon inside of her won. YOU Bastard - you won! her mom knows best.. she lived with her. she tried to help her. but noone could help her because she didnt want to help herself. even her mom says "it took me by suprize, she didnt want to help herself'. i couldnt breathe - because i knew that. all those advises, all those talks i kind of knew they were pointless - but for some reason maybe deep down somewhere i thought that she would listen. maybe she did want to get better but couldnt - because of her environment, the people she was involved with. the guy she was dating. there was no exit. she wasnt strong enough mentally to compete with demons. they took her over. maybe those drugs that she was using they were the exit to some "joy". i cant blame anyone but her. i dont want to blame anyone. we all tried to help her one way or the other. something sparked in the brain that made her to that.. something went off. why? i was just a phone call away.. one www - away, one skype msg away. why.. she knew i can keep a secret and that i wont tell anyone.we had over 10,000 conversations on fb, skype and gmail. thats a lot of words. she had my trust.
when i close my eye i see her sitting on the window, probably smoking a cigarette, taking that last breath and letting herself go. who found her? was she breathing? was she scared? what was she thinking when she was flying down? i have million questions. and probably they wont be answered because thats something that only she knows or knew.
what i know is that i will miss her.
im gonna go sleep, im tired..
you know... maybe this could have bene my worse writing ever and this isnt the way to introduce myself to this online world, but thats how i feel today.
thank you stranger for listening
My friend has killed herself yesterday morning- 10 days shy of her 33rd birthday. The building that i ones called my "happy childhood" is shattered into million pieces.I cant look at that place anymore as a "happy place"We have been friends for over 25 years. in last 5 we became very close. I became more close to her then to her sister. SHe gained my trust and iwas there to help her deal with her depression and bipolar disorder. welll.... im not a professional psychologist but i sure am a good listener. Depression and bipolar disorder is one mean mean mean, wicked thing that has taken over her brain. We've talked about it. the enviormenet she lives in isnt the best.im in the states she is in a different country. There isnt much of a support service . Country is soo poor that cannot allow you to have any kind of support. there is no jobs.corruption is everywhere. Its a beautiful place no doubt - but.. that's about it. its just a beautiful country. if my english teacher saw my style of writing she would give me a HUGE F :D. but oh well.. i haven't written a journal since i was 16. anyways.. my thoughts are everywhere. i dont know where to start, how to start. what to say.. how to say it. i am in deep deep shock. i dont want to tell myself that is true, because i dont want it to be true. i have asked myself million questions "Why did she do it, what ticked her off to just jump off.. was she scared? what was she thinking of? she sure wasn't thinking of me, because if she did she knew better not to do what she did. 6th floor. SIXTH FLOOR!! they say she survived the fall but died at the hospital 2 hours later. her fragile body wasn't strong enough. i think because there were trees under her side of the window that would have saved her a little bit. i think "maybe she could have gotten stuck on the tree instead of fell down completely", how far did she fall? did she throw her sell off.. or just plunged down free fall. i see her face, i feel her pain in my gut. Tears are just falling and falling. but for some reason i dont feel angry. i know i have done everything in my power to help her. i tried to understand her depression and disorder. i tried to put up with her mood swings. i really did. some times she pisses me off with her crap and non sense.. and i would tell her off, but then i cooll off and tell myself " she isnt ok u cant react that way ". in a way she made me a stronger person - well maybe. im balling my eyes oout now.
-drugs- i think drugs have to be one more of a issue. she was hooked on heroin for some time, was using cocain among other things.. pills, marijuana. she was an addict on top of all of it. and i knew all that. of course - drugs are easy to find. fucking drugs! why can they just disappear. she would tell me how shes clean for 3 months and we would talk during those 3 months.. then.. she lapses.. she goes away for weeks. and i understood that. we live 5000 miles apart. different time zones - not always possible to meet. skype,facebook are free and always accessible, easier way of communication. we talked. we would talk for hours. catch up on things. talk about everything whats goin on in her life. i wasnt concerned much to talk about whats going on in my life. i let her vent. and she would always say how she loves to talk to me , how she empties her soul from all evil. its ok. i didnt mind. her evil didnt effect me- well i didnt let myself to effect me. its her evil that she releases. and that again is still ok. i just listened. she would tell me things that she would not tell her sister or her mother. Her father died when she was 4-5. her mother never remarried.so i listened and listened and listened. i gave her my opinion,advise when i could and was able to. i didnt care if she listened or not. i kind of threw it out there thinking she'll realize it. maybe she did. she was going to a therapist 1 a week and she would always tell me how she wishes i could be her therapist. maybe i should have been a psychologist. thats a different story. we talked.. and talked.. she never ever gave me a hint or a sign that she would do something to hurt herself. oh be sure if i knew or saw a sign i would have raised the roof and contacted higher help. but she never did. she would have these mood swings that she would remind me " dont get all mad... im bipolar". she wasnt a selfish person. she would give you everything she could but yesterday she was selfish enough to take herself from me, from us.. from people who truly cared about her and loved her. i guess that demon inside of her won. YOU Bastard - you won! her mom knows best.. she lived with her. she tried to help her. but noone could help her because she didnt want to help herself. even her mom says "it took me by suprize, she didnt want to help herself'. i couldnt breathe - because i knew that. all those advises, all those talks i kind of knew they were pointless - but for some reason maybe deep down somewhere i thought that she would listen. maybe she did want to get better but couldnt - because of her environment, the people she was involved with. the guy she was dating. there was no exit. she wasnt strong enough mentally to compete with demons. they took her over. maybe those drugs that she was using they were the exit to some "joy". i cant blame anyone but her. i dont want to blame anyone. we all tried to help her one way or the other. something sparked in the brain that made her to that.. something went off. why? i was just a phone call away.. one www - away, one skype msg away. why.. she knew i can keep a secret and that i wont tell anyone.we had over 10,000 conversations on fb, skype and gmail. thats a lot of words. she had my trust.
when i close my eye i see her sitting on the window, probably smoking a cigarette, taking that last breath and letting herself go. who found her? was she breathing? was she scared? what was she thinking when she was flying down? i have million questions. and probably they wont be answered because thats something that only she knows or knew.
what i know is that i will miss her.
im gonna go sleep, im tired..
you know... maybe this could have bene my worse writing ever and this isnt the way to introduce myself to this online world, but thats how i feel today.
thank you stranger for listening