Fic: Clean and Sparkling by nepthys_uk, Green Cortina
Title: Clean and Sparkling
Author: nepthys_uk
Characters: Other (implied Sam/Gene)
Rating: Green Cortina for innuendo and implied slashiness.
Word Count: approx.1000.
Disclaimer: Belongs to Kudos and the BBC. This is just for fun, not for profit.
Notes: Further adventures in cleaning with Edith and Edna (#4). Unbeta'ed, so let me know if you spot something wrong.
Previous parts:
1. Spick and Span
2. Neat and Tidy
3. Bright and Shiny
and now there's a fifth installment:
5. Ship-shape and Bristol Fashion
“I can understand that they need to let their hair down once in a while, Edith, but I do wish they’d stop using rolls of hand towels to make their banners.”
“What’s this one say?”
“Welcome Back Ray you tos- well, really!”
“Oh, he’s out of hospital, then.”
“Yes; he was sent home last week, apparently. Barry popped in to take him a bunch of grapes. Says he looked well, so I suppose he’s back at work now.”
“Ah well, young fellas like that recover quick, you know, Edna. Got lots of stamina.”
“I’m sure I don’t know, Edith, and there’s no call to wink at me like that. Anyway, Barry says Ray has a new girlfriend.”
“What happened to her out of the newsagents?”
“Turned out she didn’t like moustaches.”
“Oh. So who’s the new one, then?”
“One of them nurses.”
“Not that blond one, I hope?”
“What, the one who looks like she’s had a right hard paper round?”
“Mmm. She’s rough as guts, her. I know she’s a nurse but he 'as chance to catch something…”
“Oh no, not her. It’s the dark haired one with the big-”
“Edna!”
“-- eyes, dear, I was going to say eyes.”
“Never mind about that - will you just look at this!”
“Urgh. Well, we can have a go at sponging it off, but I don’t think that chair will ever be the same again.”
“Mmm. Pass me that stain remover, would you. Oh, I meant to ask - what are you doing on Saturday morning?”
“Having my hair done. I thought I’d go to Roger this time - Mavis Johnson says he’s a marvel with the curling tongs.”
“Ooooh, yes, and he does a very reasonable rinse and set. Mind you, you have to listen to him go on about his mother.”
“Is she the one who used to work in the library?”
“No, the one with the squint and the Pekinese.”
“Oh yes, I know the one! So, why were you asking about Saturday?”
“Oh, it’s just that Marjorie is going round to see her sister for coffee and wondered if we’d like to go with her.”
“Oh…”
“Urgh! I’m wishing I’d never looked behind here, now - I’m going to have to disinfect this mop and bucket when I’m done.”
“So…have there been any more sightings?”
“Ooooh yes! I meant to tell you: Marjorie’s sister has seen him from Hyde in the back garden again - but this time he was half-naked!
“No!”
“Yes! Apparently, she was just standing on a chair to reach up to do a spot of pruning - her rhododendrons were getting a bit out of hand - and there he was! She got a right eyeful!”
“Goodness! Was he doing something…you know - naughty?”
“Mowing the lawn in just a pair of shorts!”
“Oh, honestly, Edith, that’s hardly a crime.”
“They were very short shorts, apparently. Anyway, he spoke to her-”
“Ooooh - that was a bit forward!”
“Well, to be fair, he’d only gone over to make sure she was all right after falling off the chair.”
“So what happened?”
“Well, she’s fine but she fair flattened her pansies.”
“Yes, but what did he do, Edna?”
“Ah well, she says he was ever so nice. He helped her up and made her a cup of tea. And then - he offered to do it for her.”
“He didn’t?!”
“He did! Well, you know, what with her husband working away, and all.”
“Oooooh, the saucy devil! I assume she gave him short shrift?”
“Oh no - she was quite delighted, as it happens.”
“Well I never! I would never have credited it of Marjorie’s sister! I mean, I know her Jim’s no oil painting…”
“No, not since that accident with the horse.”
“…but even so! Still, I suppose it proves that Hyde lad’s not a queer, after all.”
“Honestly, Edna, you have some strange notions! I mean, I don’t pretend to be an expert, but I’m sure queer blokes know how to use lawn-mowers.”
“Ohh. So he offered to mow her lawn, did he?”
“Yes - what did you think I meant?”
“Oh…never mind.”
“Anyway, that’s not the exciting bit. The exciting bit is that Marjorie’s sister says he had a love-bite!”
“No!”
“Yes!”
“Apparently she got a good look at it when he bent over to pick up the chair!”
“Oooooh! Where was it?”
“This was all in the back garden.”
“No, dear, where abouts on him?”
“Oh! On the back of his shoulder.”
“That’s all very well, Edith, but he’s a police officer, so it’s hardly surprising if he has cuts and bruises. You know. In the line of duty.”
“This had teeth marks.”
“Hmpf. Well I suppose that does sound suspicious. But he could have got that from anyone, not necessarily from DCI Hunt. Might even have been from a wild animal.”
“Oh Edna! All the signs point to it. And anyway, Marjorie reckons that it was definitely from a man’s teeth - reminded her of Jim’s dentures, apparently.”
“Just how close did her sister look, for God’s sake?”
“Well, she did happen to drop her secateurs in the hedge and he had to rummage around for them.”
“D’you know, sometimes I think Marjorie’s sister has missed her true calling.”
“Oh no, she was never religious; she always has trouble remembering the words to Jerusalem, for a start.”
“Well, someone is answering her prayers seeing as how she’s got that nice young man mowing her lawn.”
“Mmm. He’s doing it this Saturday morning, as it happens.”
“Ah. Weather’s supposed to be hot and sunny, isn’t it?”
“Mmm-hmm.”
“D’you know, Edith, the more I think on it, the more sure I am that my hair appointment is in the afternoon.”
“Thought it might be.”
“C’mon then - let’s finish this floor. I want to get home and have a rummage in the attic. I’m sure George has a pair of binoculars in there somewhere…”