[X] challenge, by nepthys_uk, Green Cortina.
Title: Spick and Span
Author: nepthys_uk
Characters: Other
Rating: Green Cortina for innuendo and implied slashiness.
Word Count: approx. 850.
Disclaimer: Belongs to Kudos and the BBC. This is just for fun, not for profit.
Notes: written for the
1973flashfic [X] challenge (all right, so it’s a bit of a stretch). Unbeta’d silly bit of nonsense partly inspired by recent musings at lifein1973 :). Pass the slash goggles, Edith.
Update 22/07/08: there is now a sequel - Neat and Tidy, followed by Bright and Shiny
“Oh, not again. Just look at the state of the place!”
“You would think they were single-handedly keeping Watney’s in business, going by the number of empties. What was it this time, I wonder?”
“Hang on: it says ‘Happy Birthday Chris you w--’ Ooooo! I’m not saying that!”
“Is he the peculiar one from Hyde?”
“No; he’s the young daft one. You know: Beryl plays bingo with his auntie.”
“Beryl from the butchers?”
“No, Beryl from the chemists.”
“Oh, that one.”
“He’s not still here, is he? Under a desk somewhere?”
“I don’t think so….no. Just as well. The mood I’m in I’d’ve bleached him along with the floor before swilling ‘im down the front steps.”
“Oooo, I don’t know. I wouldn’t mind giving him a good scrubbing down…”
“Edith! You’re old enough to be his gran!”
“I am not! I may be a mature lady, but everything still works, let me tell you.”
“Good for you. My knees are playing up today so you can do the floors.”
“Oh, all right. But you get to empty the bins. And put your rubber gloves on, Edna, because you remember what we found last time…”
“Urgh. I certainly do. It put me off carrots for a month.”
“Right mess, this is. Honestly, you’d think they were the villains, sometimes, not the coppers.”
“Oh, Edith, I can’t believe it, they’ve only gone and used a roll of hand-towel for that banner - remind me to check in the lavs later.”
“Right. Dirty beggars.”
“Mind you, they’ll have to get that down themselves because I’m not clambering up on the desk, not with my vertigo.”
“Ooooo, Edna, come ‘ere! Look at this photo!”
“What?”
“See! That’s DCI Hunt - you know, his wife went off last year.”
“Oh, yes, ‘im.”
“And that’s the one from Hyde.”
“Oh-hh. Nice looking young man.”
“Yes, but look - they’ve got their arms around each other.”
“So what? They’re at a party…Oh, honestly Edith, you’re not on about that again.”
“It’s true! Marjorie’s sister is his next door neighbour, and she says there’s lots of comings and goings at all hours.”
“Is Marjorie’s sister the one with the twins?”
“No, she’s the one that just had the shower put in. But that’s neither here nor there. The point is that there’s Something Going On.”
“Really, Edith!”
“Yes! She says there’s lots of funny noises. Thumping and groaning.”
“Could be DIY for all you know.”
“In the small hours?”
“Stranger things have happened at sea. George’s uncle used to get up in the middle of the night and sort out his stamp collection.”
“Insomania?”
“No; he was all right in the head but he had trouble sleeping. Oh, now that’s a shame.”
“What?”
“I’ve just found cinema tickets chucked in Ray’s bin.”
“Which one is Ray?”
“You know: nice fella. Moustache. Went to school with our Barry.”
“Oh yes. So what’s wrong with that?”
“They haven’t been used - so it looks like Shirley turned him down, then.”
“That’s a pity. He should have asked Chris instead of throwing them away.”
“Might have looked a bit funny, two blokes going to see Emmanuelle."
“Oh I don’t know. I don’t think Chris would have turned him down…”
“Don’t tell me you think Chris and Ray are…”
“Well, from what I’ve heard about young Christopher I wouldn’t be surprised.”
“Edith Watson! Anyone listening to you would think all policemen are queers!”
“There’s a lot more of it about than you might think!”
“Oh, really!”
“Yes, really!”
“What do they do, anyway? I mean, two blokes together?”
“Well. Same sort of thing they do with women, I suppose.”
“Yes, but what about a bit of how’s your father?”
“Oh. Well. Back door instead of front door. You know.”
“Urgh. The thought is making me a bit queasy.”
“Lucky you’ve got a bin handy.”
“No, but really. That can’t be very clean.”
“It’s not that bad if you wash yourself.”
“Edith!”
“What?”
“How would you know?”
“I went out with an American serviceman in my younger days - trying to make sure you don’t end up with a bun in the oven makes you a bit more adventurous, let me tell you.”
“I can’t believe I’m hearing this!”
“Well, you shouldn’t have asked the question if you didn’t want the answer.”
“But…with two blokes, how do they decide who…you know. Is one of them always the girl?”
“I’ve heard…they sometimes switch places!”
“No!”
“Yes!”
“Well, I for one can’t imagine DCI Hunt allowing anything in his tradesman’s entrance.”
“Stranger things have happened at sea.”
“I daresay. Oh, well. Here - shame to let the tickets go to waste.”
“Do you not want them?”
“No. George can’t sit still that long on account of his lumbago. Besides, his idea of racy sex is taking off his socks first.”
“Oh, well, thanks. Jack will be on for it. What are you doing after this?”
“I thought I might do a bit of shopping then go home and dip my nets. Why?”
“We could go for a cup of tea with Phyllis - she gets off in half-an-hour.”
“Ooooo, good idea! C’mon then - this place won’t clean itself.”
“More’s the pity!”