(no subject)
i am starting to feel numb all over again. when i am not feeling numb, i a feeling like i am on fire. like my very soul is burning with the rage of 20 men. i am angry at everything again. nothing makes me happy, everything is a chore.
i am not sleeping again. i have no issues getting out of bed at 6 am or earlier, but i can't bring myself to fall asleep. i don't dream, which is the worst. its like i am just lying there for 6 hours, motionless, unconcious, but not resting.
its funny, everything really does seem to getting on track, and then my legs are kicked out from underneath me. i really thought that in month of august i was going to get back on my own two feet, and fight. me verse the world. the world is winning once more.
but i can fake it. i fake it all. i am best actor in the world. i pretend to be happy. i know what a normal person should do, and i do it. i know what they should like, and i pretend like i like it. but the truth is, my world is grey. all the color is gone. and when i don't feel the uncomfortable numbness of everyday, my soul is burning.
the loneliness is really what gets me. i really want to see people. i have no one to really see, no one to talk to. remember when people actually talked to one another on the internet? at least then i was getting some sort of human interaction. the only people i really see are my coworker. one that would probably sell me under the bus for a bottle of johnny walker, and the other is hands down the angriest person i have ever met.
my midyear review came out yesterday. i didn't do as well as i would have hoped. i told my wife, and she said oh, and we never spoke of it again. i don't think reviews go well when you boss ends them with, i still think you are a good asset to the company, so you shouldn't have anything to worry about. in other words, get your shit in order, or you are going to be on the fast track to being fired. but the only way i get to vent this is talking to my journal. i can't talk to my father, he works for the company, and is on the same level as my boss. my mother, obviously.. i don't have friends anymore, my wife is asleep, all the time. she comes home from work, eats dinner, and falls asleep. everyday. i know that she has been working like crazy, but my assumption is, she is gong to go out tonight, leave me at home, then come home a go to sleep. i guess i could tell lil d about it, but he is so young, and i don't want to burden his mind at this age.
so that is why i have this journal. get all my thoughts out, and go back to a cacoon of numbness, the only thing e left me.
i am not sleeping again. i have no issues getting out of bed at 6 am or earlier, but i can't bring myself to fall asleep. i don't dream, which is the worst. its like i am just lying there for 6 hours, motionless, unconcious, but not resting.
its funny, everything really does seem to getting on track, and then my legs are kicked out from underneath me. i really thought that in month of august i was going to get back on my own two feet, and fight. me verse the world. the world is winning once more.
but i can fake it. i fake it all. i am best actor in the world. i pretend to be happy. i know what a normal person should do, and i do it. i know what they should like, and i pretend like i like it. but the truth is, my world is grey. all the color is gone. and when i don't feel the uncomfortable numbness of everyday, my soul is burning.
the loneliness is really what gets me. i really want to see people. i have no one to really see, no one to talk to. remember when people actually talked to one another on the internet? at least then i was getting some sort of human interaction. the only people i really see are my coworker. one that would probably sell me under the bus for a bottle of johnny walker, and the other is hands down the angriest person i have ever met.
my midyear review came out yesterday. i didn't do as well as i would have hoped. i told my wife, and she said oh, and we never spoke of it again. i don't think reviews go well when you boss ends them with, i still think you are a good asset to the company, so you shouldn't have anything to worry about. in other words, get your shit in order, or you are going to be on the fast track to being fired. but the only way i get to vent this is talking to my journal. i can't talk to my father, he works for the company, and is on the same level as my boss. my mother, obviously.. i don't have friends anymore, my wife is asleep, all the time. she comes home from work, eats dinner, and falls asleep. everyday. i know that she has been working like crazy, but my assumption is, she is gong to go out tonight, leave me at home, then come home a go to sleep. i guess i could tell lil d about it, but he is so young, and i don't want to burden his mind at this age.
so that is why i have this journal. get all my thoughts out, and go back to a cacoon of numbness, the only thing e left me.