The Big Show: Gone
You don't know what you have, until it's gone.
The house was empty and quiet. Murphy sat on the floor of Anna’s room and looked at the empty lavender walls with tears in her eyes. That scent of two year olds have still hug in the air along with plastic doll and stuff animal thrown in. How had she made it through this day? Where had the strength come from to pack all her daughter’s, her baby girl’s things and then send her off with her father?
Anna didn’t understand, not completely. Like most two year olds, she didn’t know what divorce meant or custody agreement. She only understood that her mommy wouldn’t be living with her and daddy any more and that didn’t make sense. She had cried, wailed, even kicked and screamed, but there was nothing Murphy could do except watch Neal pack her up into his car and drive away. The knowledge that he was going to have a few miserable weeks dealing with a confused hurting two year old didn’t even comfort her. That made her worse because her baby girl was miserable and it’s all her fault.
Murphy drew her knees up and hid her face against them. Any second now the flood gates would open and she’d end up crying. She hated crying. It made her throat hurt, her head hurt and in the end just left her feeling lonely. She didn’t care about her divorce, not really. Before the papers had shown up, she knew her marriage was over, but losing her daughter. Willingly not fighting Neal for her was eating her alive. Hadn’t she done what her mother had done and abandoned Anna? Shouldn’t she have at least put up some kind of protest? Fought for more hours? She worked in the courts, she knew mothers usually got custody she could have won.
But she had told her lawyer no, don’t fight, don’t make a fuss. Let Anna go with Neal who could be home every night at 5, who never had the possibility of being called to work on Thanksgiving, Christmas or his daughter’s birthday. Neal had seemed shocked she didn’t fight, and then annoyingly smug about it the rest of the time. Bastard was glad this was tearing her up inside. God, why had she married him? Murphy hugged her knees tighter, clenching her eyes shut, trying to hold on just a little longer but there was one fact she couldn’t deny. She was a mother who had given up her own child.
A crying jag wouldn’t fix that pain and self-loathing. It would wear her out, maybe enough to make her go sleep in the big empty bed she now owned, but tomorrow she’d wake up with the same wound, still bleeding, leaving a heart shaped stain on her sleeve. She was going to have to face the world with it, learn to live with this wound. Worst of all, she’d have to face her daughter in two weeks time when she had her first weekend visitation.
She’d face a barrage of questions Murphy couldn’t answer and then she’d have to face leaving Anna all over again. And what made her physically ill was that she knew one day Anna would accept that her mother wasn’t going to be there every time she needed her. She was going to accept that her mother had left her and learn to live with that. And on some days, she’d resent her mother for it, even hate her mother for it.
Murphy broke down at that thought, mourning her loss, Anna’s loss, and that deep down she might just be her mother after all.
The house was empty and quiet. Murphy sat on the floor of Anna’s room and looked at the empty lavender walls with tears in her eyes. That scent of two year olds have still hug in the air along with plastic doll and stuff animal thrown in. How had she made it through this day? Where had the strength come from to pack all her daughter’s, her baby girl’s things and then send her off with her father?
Anna didn’t understand, not completely. Like most two year olds, she didn’t know what divorce meant or custody agreement. She only understood that her mommy wouldn’t be living with her and daddy any more and that didn’t make sense. She had cried, wailed, even kicked and screamed, but there was nothing Murphy could do except watch Neal pack her up into his car and drive away. The knowledge that he was going to have a few miserable weeks dealing with a confused hurting two year old didn’t even comfort her. That made her worse because her baby girl was miserable and it’s all her fault.
Murphy drew her knees up and hid her face against them. Any second now the flood gates would open and she’d end up crying. She hated crying. It made her throat hurt, her head hurt and in the end just left her feeling lonely. She didn’t care about her divorce, not really. Before the papers had shown up, she knew her marriage was over, but losing her daughter. Willingly not fighting Neal for her was eating her alive. Hadn’t she done what her mother had done and abandoned Anna? Shouldn’t she have at least put up some kind of protest? Fought for more hours? She worked in the courts, she knew mothers usually got custody she could have won.
But she had told her lawyer no, don’t fight, don’t make a fuss. Let Anna go with Neal who could be home every night at 5, who never had the possibility of being called to work on Thanksgiving, Christmas or his daughter’s birthday. Neal had seemed shocked she didn’t fight, and then annoyingly smug about it the rest of the time. Bastard was glad this was tearing her up inside. God, why had she married him? Murphy hugged her knees tighter, clenching her eyes shut, trying to hold on just a little longer but there was one fact she couldn’t deny. She was a mother who had given up her own child.
A crying jag wouldn’t fix that pain and self-loathing. It would wear her out, maybe enough to make her go sleep in the big empty bed she now owned, but tomorrow she’d wake up with the same wound, still bleeding, leaving a heart shaped stain on her sleeve. She was going to have to face the world with it, learn to live with this wound. Worst of all, she’d have to face her daughter in two weeks time when she had her first weekend visitation.
She’d face a barrage of questions Murphy couldn’t answer and then she’d have to face leaving Anna all over again. And what made her physically ill was that she knew one day Anna would accept that her mother wasn’t going to be there every time she needed her. She was going to accept that her mother had left her and learn to live with that. And on some days, she’d resent her mother for it, even hate her mother for it.
Murphy broke down at that thought, mourning her loss, Anna’s loss, and that deep down she might just be her mother after all.