Theatrical Muse: Daughter
Discuss an individual who has scared you.
I’ll be honest my daughter scares the hell out of me sometimes. There are times when I would rather be part of a Narcotics raid on a drug house than face my daughter. Unless you’ve let down your kid, you can’t know what the fear of doing it again is like. There are nights, especially now when I’ve got my three months of custody and Anna’s living with me that I’m always thinking about how not to disappoint her or fail her.
Anna lives with her father, who is my ex-husband, most of the year. He has full custody. I get to see her every other weekend, but in the summer - June, July, and August specifically - she lives with me. It’s a little hard with my work and the long hours. My babysitter is always paid better than any other babysitter in the neighborhood, but I try really hard to spend more time at home than at work.
Anna scares me for a lot of reasons. It’s not just the fear of letting her down, but the fear of screwing her up. I know that really, Anna’s going to turn out to be a good person. Her dad loves her just as much as I do and he’s doing everything he can to raise her right. Maybe it’s because I’m not there most of the time, but I feel like I have to be the perfect parent so I don’t ruin any of my ex’s work.
Raising a kid, being responsible for their happiness, their life, it’s the scariest thing in the world. I’ve been held at gunpoint, stabbed, and arrested killers, but that’s nothing. I could and will do that for the rest of my life, until retirement. Still, when you have a kid, you’re handed a soul to nurture and a life hangs in your hands. I’ll admit, my parents weren’t the best. I never want my daughter to have the same doubts that I had as a kid. The fear she has them despite my best efforts scares the hell out of me.
Even her future scares me. How do I pay for a good college with my salary? Will she even want to go to college? Can I keep her away from drugs? Alcohol? What about all the other things I see in my job? Can I protect her from those? All these thoughts fly around in my head sometimes when I look at my daughter and they scare the hell out of me. I’ll face down a lot of ugly things in my career, I’ll learn to accept those things, but the fear I have of my daughter and for my daughter, that will never go away. Not as long as I love her and nothing will ever make me stop loving her.
I’ll be honest my daughter scares the hell out of me sometimes. There are times when I would rather be part of a Narcotics raid on a drug house than face my daughter. Unless you’ve let down your kid, you can’t know what the fear of doing it again is like. There are nights, especially now when I’ve got my three months of custody and Anna’s living with me that I’m always thinking about how not to disappoint her or fail her.
Anna lives with her father, who is my ex-husband, most of the year. He has full custody. I get to see her every other weekend, but in the summer - June, July, and August specifically - she lives with me. It’s a little hard with my work and the long hours. My babysitter is always paid better than any other babysitter in the neighborhood, but I try really hard to spend more time at home than at work.
Anna scares me for a lot of reasons. It’s not just the fear of letting her down, but the fear of screwing her up. I know that really, Anna’s going to turn out to be a good person. Her dad loves her just as much as I do and he’s doing everything he can to raise her right. Maybe it’s because I’m not there most of the time, but I feel like I have to be the perfect parent so I don’t ruin any of my ex’s work.
Raising a kid, being responsible for their happiness, their life, it’s the scariest thing in the world. I’ve been held at gunpoint, stabbed, and arrested killers, but that’s nothing. I could and will do that for the rest of my life, until retirement. Still, when you have a kid, you’re handed a soul to nurture and a life hangs in your hands. I’ll admit, my parents weren’t the best. I never want my daughter to have the same doubts that I had as a kid. The fear she has them despite my best efforts scares the hell out of me.
Even her future scares me. How do I pay for a good college with my salary? Will she even want to go to college? Can I keep her away from drugs? Alcohol? What about all the other things I see in my job? Can I protect her from those? All these thoughts fly around in my head sometimes when I look at my daughter and they scare the hell out of me. I’ll face down a lot of ugly things in my career, I’ll learn to accept those things, but the fear I have of my daughter and for my daughter, that will never go away. Not as long as I love her and nothing will ever make me stop loving her.