Rejection
Confidence has lately been low, and I wake up every day depressed... and when I'm sleeping, dreaming.... it feels as though I can't escape my dreams. Not really as though they're something to be feared, but like I'm trapped in a dream world and can't get out of it. Sort of like it's hard to wake up, but not for any particularly dreaded reason, just maybe that there's nothing to wake up for, so life doesn't seem like it's worth it. I don't think my friends/associates/whateveryou'dliketocallthem think I'm being serious when I'm really reaching out for some kind of support, validation, recognition I'm still alive, yet when I'm not being serious, it's appreciated, but I don't know.... I don't feel as though I'm getting what I need... out of life, relationships, whatever else.
I thought about learning how to drive today. I don't know how this would work out, but if I'm giong to be stuck in Amherst, there's a spare car that is my brother's, that he doesn't use on the weekends. How to pay for gas is another story. I still really want to learn how to drive, and I have for a long time. My dreams feel so much bigger than reality and this can be really heartbreaking and upsetting when they don't come true. Lately it's been emphasized in the form of a lot of things, and feeling this isolated and far away from what I 1, got really used to.... and far away from a place where I could connect with people or access social situations a lot quicker is really crushing to me in general. It's hard for a person as social as me to feel so.... rejected. Like nothing I say or do is interesting, or of any worth to anyone else, or anyTHING else.
I made peace with Ian a few nights ago. I sent him an e-mail apologizing for my over-reaction, letting him know that I had no hard feelings. No hatred. No crazy feelings in any other sense either. He responded with "you just drove me crazy, that's all, feel free to send me any writing or art though". I was on skype one night to see if anyone I connect with was there, and his name popped up. I wasn't really sure what to make of it, and he IMed me and we chatted. We forgave eachother, and it was over-all a very pleasant conversation, and I was hoping maybe I'd atleast make a friend through this peaceful interaction. My premonition is that he's already chasing after another girl, and I could honestly care less, but it'd be great for he and I to be friends. But I think he must fear even light-hearted interactions with me. It's too bad, because I think he'd be a great friend who could help push me in the right direction. Oh well, I guess. He also mentioned visiting me some time in the future.... I didn't respond to that, because honestly, I'm not even sure I want to see him at all. Whatever happened, I'm sure I'd emotionally be fine. But would he be? is this for some kind of romantic purpose? I don't know, he's weird. Whatever.
I thought about learning how to drive today. I don't know how this would work out, but if I'm giong to be stuck in Amherst, there's a spare car that is my brother's, that he doesn't use on the weekends. How to pay for gas is another story. I still really want to learn how to drive, and I have for a long time. My dreams feel so much bigger than reality and this can be really heartbreaking and upsetting when they don't come true. Lately it's been emphasized in the form of a lot of things, and feeling this isolated and far away from what I 1, got really used to.... and far away from a place where I could connect with people or access social situations a lot quicker is really crushing to me in general. It's hard for a person as social as me to feel so.... rejected. Like nothing I say or do is interesting, or of any worth to anyone else, or anyTHING else.
I made peace with Ian a few nights ago. I sent him an e-mail apologizing for my over-reaction, letting him know that I had no hard feelings. No hatred. No crazy feelings in any other sense either. He responded with "you just drove me crazy, that's all, feel free to send me any writing or art though". I was on skype one night to see if anyone I connect with was there, and his name popped up. I wasn't really sure what to make of it, and he IMed me and we chatted. We forgave eachother, and it was over-all a very pleasant conversation, and I was hoping maybe I'd atleast make a friend through this peaceful interaction. My premonition is that he's already chasing after another girl, and I could honestly care less, but it'd be great for he and I to be friends. But I think he must fear even light-hearted interactions with me. It's too bad, because I think he'd be a great friend who could help push me in the right direction. Oh well, I guess. He also mentioned visiting me some time in the future.... I didn't respond to that, because honestly, I'm not even sure I want to see him at all. Whatever happened, I'm sure I'd emotionally be fine. But would he be? is this for some kind of romantic purpose? I don't know, he's weird. Whatever.