and you're my obsession, i love you to the bones.
today is the lowest i have felt in a loong time, if not ever.
i just feel like such a fucking failure, i seriously don't know what to do anymore. i feel like the whole world is against me, as if it's trying to destroy the one sole thing that makes me the happiest. i ate today, i ate two much. i had ceral in the morning then two apples followed by salad a bit of pasta, cottage cheese and turkey. i swear to god while i was eating it i felt like being sick.
i don't even crave food anymore, it has gone beyond that- just looking at someone eating food makes me feel uncomfortable. if you're thinking then why did i eat, it was because of fucking college. it is ruling my life. i have little social life as i'm trying to revise for exams and i have to eat or my tummy rumbles and people suspect. i don't ask for a lot, i just want to be left alone until i'm ready. i need more time, just a bit more time. i need control and i can't gain control when everyone else is deciding things for me.
i can't even describe how low i feel right now. i have been looking at pictures of mary-kate as i completely admire her: her style, her body, her determination, everything, however, they just make me feel even more like a fat fucking failure.
i need to to lose more weight. that is what separates diets and eating disorders, the fact i need to lose weight, i don't just want to. it's as if my life depends on doing so or i end up like this. i couldn't even walk my food off today either as it was like torrential rain outside. fuck everything is just so fucked up.
i'm going shopping tomorrow but i don't even know if i can face myself.
instead of looking in the mirror and seeing my body changing and looking better all i see is what i need to get rid of. and it's not just little bit of excess here and there, it's heaps and mounds of fucking fat.
i just need to feel normal, i want people to look at me as if i'm normal. infact i just want people to look at me. but while i'm like this there will always be a girl who gets more attention or whatever. that's the bad thing about me i'm too competitive, i have to be the best at everything. even my form tutor said it today when she gave me my term report, she wrote down on the evaluation form that i had "high expectations" which i'm proud of, i don't care what anyone else says. i need to push myself, you only get one life, why fuck it up and be unhappy? soon i will be happy when everything falls into place and i feel the bones and get into that dress. i will be the happiest most admired girl here.
i am aware i'm rambling and believe me i could go on for hours more but i wont bore you.
i just feel shit as i need this more than anything.
i feel like fucking crying.
oh and to add to the great things i have dealt with today, i officially have acne.
THANK FUCK for ysl foundation or everyone would get a nice look of it too.
ARGGH.
:(
i just feel like such a fucking failure, i seriously don't know what to do anymore. i feel like the whole world is against me, as if it's trying to destroy the one sole thing that makes me the happiest. i ate today, i ate two much. i had ceral in the morning then two apples followed by salad a bit of pasta, cottage cheese and turkey. i swear to god while i was eating it i felt like being sick.
i don't even crave food anymore, it has gone beyond that- just looking at someone eating food makes me feel uncomfortable. if you're thinking then why did i eat, it was because of fucking college. it is ruling my life. i have little social life as i'm trying to revise for exams and i have to eat or my tummy rumbles and people suspect. i don't ask for a lot, i just want to be left alone until i'm ready. i need more time, just a bit more time. i need control and i can't gain control when everyone else is deciding things for me.
i can't even describe how low i feel right now. i have been looking at pictures of mary-kate as i completely admire her: her style, her body, her determination, everything, however, they just make me feel even more like a fat fucking failure.
i need to to lose more weight. that is what separates diets and eating disorders, the fact i need to lose weight, i don't just want to. it's as if my life depends on doing so or i end up like this. i couldn't even walk my food off today either as it was like torrential rain outside. fuck everything is just so fucked up.
i'm going shopping tomorrow but i don't even know if i can face myself.
instead of looking in the mirror and seeing my body changing and looking better all i see is what i need to get rid of. and it's not just little bit of excess here and there, it's heaps and mounds of fucking fat.
i just need to feel normal, i want people to look at me as if i'm normal. infact i just want people to look at me. but while i'm like this there will always be a girl who gets more attention or whatever. that's the bad thing about me i'm too competitive, i have to be the best at everything. even my form tutor said it today when she gave me my term report, she wrote down on the evaluation form that i had "high expectations" which i'm proud of, i don't care what anyone else says. i need to push myself, you only get one life, why fuck it up and be unhappy? soon i will be happy when everything falls into place and i feel the bones and get into that dress. i will be the happiest most admired girl here.
i am aware i'm rambling and believe me i could go on for hours more but i wont bore you.
i just feel shit as i need this more than anything.
i feel like fucking crying.
oh and to add to the great things i have dealt with today, i officially have acne.
THANK FUCK for ysl foundation or everyone would get a nice look of it too.
ARGGH.
:(