introspection is good for the fucked up soul.
ok, so i think i'm very fatalistic.
i have very little faith in anything.
i dont trust happy endings.
i think i dont trust anyone... like i trust people but down the wire i dont really. like... for some things, like my life maybe, i'd trust the people closest to me... but for the... maybe, i'm afraid of people dissapointing me.
i dont think i belong anywhere. no really. i dont. think about it.
i REALLY WANT BOOK SEVEN. even if it means i actually have to grow up already.
no i really dont belong anywhere. like REALLY BELONG. where i am not an add on, a burden, an extra arm... i dont really belong anywhere.
do i want to belong anywhere? if i'm really being fatalistic i'd just think it wont last anyway.
and i like stories that arent predictable. well, ok, i love a good cliche story line recycled into something less nakakasuka. like music and lyrics. BIG FAT CLICHE but with CATCHY TUNES. that's a way to recycle!
and see! pirates was fun because even though i kinda considered the ending to happen i didnt really think it would until it ended up being the obvious dramatic push. which was nice. and really, DISNEY and the SEX. wow.
although i dont see her being that faithful... i mean
is she really going to do for ten years WITHOUT SEX? i mean REALLY???? she's a very balimbing girl, i doubt she'd last that long. poor will. and she really does have feelings for jack. i mean who doesnt, but she really does. it's almost poetic. but not.
yeah no.
so. i dont belong anywhere.
also, dont really see my value in this world. i mean, ok. to my family, sort of, but ever then sometimes it's sketchy because there's that whole 'wasnt supposed to happen' thing. so i am 'ate' which really seems to be it. i'm just 'ate' not some one really usefull and worthy of time and effort. yeah. so beyond the whole 'ate' thing (that even nine months older than me patrick is calling me).
so maybe i didnt really call anybody that i was home, beyond the call to carol and the habitual call to tanya... but then in the end, what do i really matter. really.
wow, talk about self indulgence.
speaking of indulgence, i just really want to embrace the bulge and not care anymore. i really do. i just... what's the point? really? i'm not dying, and if i do, who cares? i'm just a waste of breath anyway. so.
am i insecure? i really dont think i am... but obviously i have self worth issues... but do i really? or is this just a product of... temporary insanity? i am insne after all... but i dont think i'm insecure (denial?) but i'm secure in my worthlessness... it makes me... less fearfull of death i guess. beyond that whole unknown factor thing... it wouldnt be such a bad idea to just expire, you know? (suicidal?)
speaking of mortal sins... i think i'm, no, i know i'm angry. i'm so angry and so sad about being angry... that even now, after all this time after it started, this anger i mean because the stem of this anger happned well, we could say about 16 years and some months ago, or i could say it was some 19 years and some months ago... anyway, this stem a long time ago... my anger, well, brewing for some months... maybe 2, 3? i dont remember. i'm just mad, and i hate being mad because it hurts being this mad and being unabe to talk about it. when i'm angry, for real angry, i cry... and i just dont want to cry.
and oh God, i so dont need to know that the parents have sex, ok? i dont need to see the teddies. hell, the pregnancy scare last december, not to mention luke's 'mom's pregnant' prank was just too much for me as it is.
shet, i really dont want to sleep yet.
does he really make her happy?
but really, in the end, it's none of my business and i should just stay out of it. i mean, it's their choices in the end. i'm just going to be what they need me to be. and that's it.
i'm just really jet lagged and i'm probably half asleep now.
i'm afraid that too much has changed, i dont have a place anymore. what am i going to be now?
i wish i could just skip all these years and just get to the middle already... you know, the part where you're just to caught up in the daily things the little things pass me by... i want to HAVE to smell the roses. because now, the roses are starting to get old. or do i even see them?
i need to not be here. in this life. i'm sick of me.
i just... i dont know...
i dont have a plan B. hell, my plan A is a bitch that i dont know what the hell i'm doing. what am i doing?
do i really want a double? am i going to graduate on time? HAS HE GRADUATED??
oh shit, him, the evil one. drich doesnt like him. i think... that's ok, i dont think he's a very friendly person... i'm not a very friendly person.
so yeah.
i think i just really need closure. i just need to know if he did like me back. why did he look for my number? what did he want from me? why did he ask me to study with him? ANUNG NANGYARI?????????????????? becuase there has to be a reason i was so insane over him, and i really need CLOSURE. CLO-O-ZURE... how do you spell how rachel said closure?
i dont want daughters? have i already said that?
i'm so sleepy? do i want to lock this? i dont know. i'm too lazy. nobody cares anyway.
well, ok people do, but this whole thing doesnt really matter because... hello. it's INTROSPECTION NGA.
i have very little faith in anything.
i dont trust happy endings.
i think i dont trust anyone... like i trust people but down the wire i dont really. like... for some things, like my life maybe, i'd trust the people closest to me... but for the... maybe, i'm afraid of people dissapointing me.
i dont think i belong anywhere. no really. i dont. think about it.
i REALLY WANT BOOK SEVEN. even if it means i actually have to grow up already.
no i really dont belong anywhere. like REALLY BELONG. where i am not an add on, a burden, an extra arm... i dont really belong anywhere.
do i want to belong anywhere? if i'm really being fatalistic i'd just think it wont last anyway.
and i like stories that arent predictable. well, ok, i love a good cliche story line recycled into something less nakakasuka. like music and lyrics. BIG FAT CLICHE but with CATCHY TUNES. that's a way to recycle!
and see! pirates was fun because even though i kinda considered the ending to happen i didnt really think it would until it ended up being the obvious dramatic push. which was nice. and really, DISNEY and the SEX. wow.
although i dont see her being that faithful... i mean
is she really going to do for ten years WITHOUT SEX? i mean REALLY???? she's a very balimbing girl, i doubt she'd last that long. poor will. and she really does have feelings for jack. i mean who doesnt, but she really does. it's almost poetic. but not.
yeah no.
so. i dont belong anywhere.
also, dont really see my value in this world. i mean, ok. to my family, sort of, but ever then sometimes it's sketchy because there's that whole 'wasnt supposed to happen' thing. so i am 'ate' which really seems to be it. i'm just 'ate' not some one really usefull and worthy of time and effort. yeah. so beyond the whole 'ate' thing (that even nine months older than me patrick is calling me).
so maybe i didnt really call anybody that i was home, beyond the call to carol and the habitual call to tanya... but then in the end, what do i really matter. really.
wow, talk about self indulgence.
speaking of indulgence, i just really want to embrace the bulge and not care anymore. i really do. i just... what's the point? really? i'm not dying, and if i do, who cares? i'm just a waste of breath anyway. so.
am i insecure? i really dont think i am... but obviously i have self worth issues... but do i really? or is this just a product of... temporary insanity? i am insne after all... but i dont think i'm insecure (denial?) but i'm secure in my worthlessness... it makes me... less fearfull of death i guess. beyond that whole unknown factor thing... it wouldnt be such a bad idea to just expire, you know? (suicidal?)
speaking of mortal sins... i think i'm, no, i know i'm angry. i'm so angry and so sad about being angry... that even now, after all this time after it started, this anger i mean because the stem of this anger happned well, we could say about 16 years and some months ago, or i could say it was some 19 years and some months ago... anyway, this stem a long time ago... my anger, well, brewing for some months... maybe 2, 3? i dont remember. i'm just mad, and i hate being mad because it hurts being this mad and being unabe to talk about it. when i'm angry, for real angry, i cry... and i just dont want to cry.
and oh God, i so dont need to know that the parents have sex, ok? i dont need to see the teddies. hell, the pregnancy scare last december, not to mention luke's 'mom's pregnant' prank was just too much for me as it is.
shet, i really dont want to sleep yet.
does he really make her happy?
but really, in the end, it's none of my business and i should just stay out of it. i mean, it's their choices in the end. i'm just going to be what they need me to be. and that's it.
i'm just really jet lagged and i'm probably half asleep now.
i'm afraid that too much has changed, i dont have a place anymore. what am i going to be now?
i wish i could just skip all these years and just get to the middle already... you know, the part where you're just to caught up in the daily things the little things pass me by... i want to HAVE to smell the roses. because now, the roses are starting to get old. or do i even see them?
i need to not be here. in this life. i'm sick of me.
i just... i dont know...
i dont have a plan B. hell, my plan A is a bitch that i dont know what the hell i'm doing. what am i doing?
do i really want a double? am i going to graduate on time? HAS HE GRADUATED??
oh shit, him, the evil one. drich doesnt like him. i think... that's ok, i dont think he's a very friendly person... i'm not a very friendly person.
so yeah.
i think i just really need closure. i just need to know if he did like me back. why did he look for my number? what did he want from me? why did he ask me to study with him? ANUNG NANGYARI?????????????????? becuase there has to be a reason i was so insane over him, and i really need CLOSURE. CLO-O-ZURE... how do you spell how rachel said closure?
i dont want daughters? have i already said that?
i'm so sleepy? do i want to lock this? i dont know. i'm too lazy. nobody cares anyway.
well, ok people do, but this whole thing doesnt really matter because... hello. it's INTROSPECTION NGA.