So I've cleared out my f-list a little
Don't worry. The people who actually matter have not been removed. ^_^ Which is nearly everyone who watches this. Heh. It was just a select few and some "dead" communities and IDs. Nothing, and no one, important.
Really, all I did was take off the "dead" names and the accounts for Starchaser and her roommate. I know I said I wouldn't remove her from my friends list, but I've done some reflecting on things, about the "great" fight seven years ago that still causes her to play the wounded victim every now and then. No, my dear f-list, I am NOT going to apologize for that remark towards her. Throughout 2002, I apologized REPEATEDLY to her for my words and actions throughout that year yet received none for her words and actions in kind nor the opportunity to rebuild that friendship. Then that vicious cycle of anger would start all over again, and I was right back at square one. I've pretty much left her alone after she said, in her own hand in a letter mailed to me, that she would need time to "think" about our friendship. She would not have "time" to talk with me until June. This letter came to me in May of 2002, and this talk has never happened.
I probably sound very bitter about this. I'll admit that it does, but I'm not bitter. I'm still a little hurt and a little upset that what I believed was a good friendship was destroyed over something so stupid and meaningless and trivial. I'm still a little angry that, after seven years, she can't learn how to forgive someone. But most of all, I'm upset with myself for believing that she could eventually forgive me and to give our friendship a chance.
For some on my friends list, you know what this fight was about. You, unfortunately, were caught in the middle between me and Starchaser, and you never should have been in such a spot in the first place. I apologize for that. It should have stayed between us but they never did. I am partly to blame for that, and I apologize for my very bad behavior.
For the rest of you, the fight was over a fanzine. A non-profit fanzine where we both had different ideas on what kind of direction it should have taken. She said she told me of the changes both in person and over the phone and that I said nothing in response. I felt like she was basically treating me like I was being stupid, and that is something I've come to realize truly upsets me. That's probably what upset me the most, and people still do that to me to this day. (I think it's my natural blonde hair colour that lends to that. Something about it makes people think they can treat me like I'm stupid or that I don't know what I'm talking about or that I shouldn't have an opinion based on my own observations. However, that's just my opinion and my feelings on the matter.)
In hindsight (which it's true when they say it's 20/20), the fight was so TOTALLY STUPID. Then again, that same year I lost a stepcousin to a shooting, and my mom was hospitalized for a rare heart condition. In the subsequent years, my mom has had two heart surgeries, my dad has had at least one major heart attack, my stepdad nearly died from his bowels twisting onto themselves at the same time as my dad's heart attack, I've gone through way too many jobs that I hate admitting to, my stepdad has suffered from a stroke, and I lost my stepgrandmother. Oh, and I mustn't forget that my cat died. (He was my baby! I loved him so much.) All of this in seven years. Such events certain spin out a new perspective on life and what truly matters, you know? Even then, I should have realized to fight over a fanzine would be (and still is) stupid. I should have just said, "Fine. Do what you want with it. I'll start my own fanzine so I can do what I want." (I did that, too, anyway. Wow! What a lot of work that was! I miss it!)
I hold equal blame in this. Or I did. I'm letting it go. That's why I'm now talking about it when I've said I woudn't. I've realized now that keeping this bottled in is still hurting me, and I want to cleanse myself of this ridiculous demon so it can't creep on me at the odd occasion and tear me up all over again. This journal is really my only outlet for everything in my life, and I don't always utilize it. That's why . . . that's why I've taken Starchaser off of my friends list. If she wants to talk to me, I'll listen. I won't ever close that door, but the truth of the matter is I need to let go of that hope.
All that remains now is that letter. I still have it. A part of me still doesn't want to let that letter go because it's the actual last piece of communication I have from her (not counting replies to comments made in her livejournal. She's blocked me from doing that now, too), but I know I need to get rid of it. If I don't, it'll forever keep a hold of me, and I won't be free. And I want that more than anything right now.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me over this or to feel like they need to take my side or even point out how stupidly I behaved at that time. It isn't necessary, and I've admitted my guilt of the matter. I behaved stupidly, and I know it. I knew it then after everything was all said and done. Besides, as with losing my jobs at Autumnwood and Wendy's, that fight had to happen. There was a reason for it. I mean, that same year, I finally went back to college at NMC. I took a creative writing course my second year back, and it was in that class that I rediscovered an original character of mine. He underwent some serious changes, but he became a character that I truly adore and that I want to put in as many original science fiction and fantasy novels as possible. It was this creative writing class that finally got me to start writing more of my own material instead of fanfiction. I may have never done any of that if it had not been for that fight. It's a strange way of looking at the situation, but it is the truth. In so many ways, that stupid, pitiful fight liberated me at the same time it bound me. For the liberation, I am truly grateful.
As I write this, you know, I'm beginning to think that maybe it's a good thing Starchaser and I are not friends anymore. I've been liberated from a lot of restrictions I would have placed on myself if that fight had never happened or if she had given our friendship a second chance. I can't say the same for her because I don't know entirely what she's done with her life in the last seven years. I find I don't care, either, because her life is not mine to live. Just as my life is not hers to live. Not only that, but I believe we both have the personality types to really hold a grudge. Who is to say that, should we have patched things up after that fight, that one of us would not use that fight against the other? Colour me paranoid on that, but it is a very real possibility. I cannot say with any certainty that it would have happened because, well, things didn't work out that way, and, as I said, it's probably for the better.
Anyway, I'm living much healthier now than what I was seven years ago. Seriously! ^_^ Seven years ago, I was drinking Coca-Cola like it was water. I had a can (or bottle) open from the time I got out of bed in the morning until I went to bed in the morning. I still drink way too much soda, but it isn't the only thing I drink. I've switched it up with coffee and grapefruit juice and light soy milk. I've even switched from regular Coca-Cola to Coca-Cola Zero. Of course, that isn't so much because of the fight as it is my medical condition and doctor's orders! LOL. But I do have to be honest with myself. I feel good about myself (mostly) and the decisions I'm making for myself. You can't beat that!
In other news, I have (yet again!) applied for a personal care assistant position at the local hospital. This time, I applied online (because that's now the only way a person can apply for a position there), and I hate that process. It is a good process, but it's a shitty process at the same time. You have to do this survey in order for your application to be complete, and it's one of those personal surveys where they ask you things like, "I work well as a team player," and "I work well on my own." You answer with Strongly Disagree, Disagree, Neither Agree nor Disagree, Agree, Strongly Agree. And yes! Both of those questions are on that survey. My brother has a very valid point about both of those questions, and I'm gonna share it.
They ask you those questions, right? And you agree with both statements that you work well with others and you work well on your own. If the potential employer is a real prick, he's gonna think you're lying about something. After all, how can you work well on your own if you work well with others? It may be the absolute truth, but they're going to think you're lying about something. Not a pleasant picture to think about, is it?
So, I've filled out my application, I've taken this survey (all done yesterday), and I'm hoping I get called for an interview and I get the job. While I got an increase in pay by being unemployed, it won't last forever. I'm not going to quit writing, either. That's my dream, that's my life. I'm not giving up on that. I just don't like the thought of remaining idle for too long. That, and I need a new car. Everything takes money, but what happens when that runs out? I don't even want to think about that!
Ah well. Tomorrow is another day. ^_^
Really, all I did was take off the "dead" names and the accounts for Starchaser and her roommate. I know I said I wouldn't remove her from my friends list, but I've done some reflecting on things, about the "great" fight seven years ago that still causes her to play the wounded victim every now and then. No, my dear f-list, I am NOT going to apologize for that remark towards her. Throughout 2002, I apologized REPEATEDLY to her for my words and actions throughout that year yet received none for her words and actions in kind nor the opportunity to rebuild that friendship. Then that vicious cycle of anger would start all over again, and I was right back at square one. I've pretty much left her alone after she said, in her own hand in a letter mailed to me, that she would need time to "think" about our friendship. She would not have "time" to talk with me until June. This letter came to me in May of 2002, and this talk has never happened.
I probably sound very bitter about this. I'll admit that it does, but I'm not bitter. I'm still a little hurt and a little upset that what I believed was a good friendship was destroyed over something so stupid and meaningless and trivial. I'm still a little angry that, after seven years, she can't learn how to forgive someone. But most of all, I'm upset with myself for believing that she could eventually forgive me and to give our friendship a chance.
For some on my friends list, you know what this fight was about. You, unfortunately, were caught in the middle between me and Starchaser, and you never should have been in such a spot in the first place. I apologize for that. It should have stayed between us but they never did. I am partly to blame for that, and I apologize for my very bad behavior.
For the rest of you, the fight was over a fanzine. A non-profit fanzine where we both had different ideas on what kind of direction it should have taken. She said she told me of the changes both in person and over the phone and that I said nothing in response. I felt like she was basically treating me like I was being stupid, and that is something I've come to realize truly upsets me. That's probably what upset me the most, and people still do that to me to this day. (I think it's my natural blonde hair colour that lends to that. Something about it makes people think they can treat me like I'm stupid or that I don't know what I'm talking about or that I shouldn't have an opinion based on my own observations. However, that's just my opinion and my feelings on the matter.)
In hindsight (which it's true when they say it's 20/20), the fight was so TOTALLY STUPID. Then again, that same year I lost a stepcousin to a shooting, and my mom was hospitalized for a rare heart condition. In the subsequent years, my mom has had two heart surgeries, my dad has had at least one major heart attack, my stepdad nearly died from his bowels twisting onto themselves at the same time as my dad's heart attack, I've gone through way too many jobs that I hate admitting to, my stepdad has suffered from a stroke, and I lost my stepgrandmother. Oh, and I mustn't forget that my cat died. (He was my baby! I loved him so much.) All of this in seven years. Such events certain spin out a new perspective on life and what truly matters, you know? Even then, I should have realized to fight over a fanzine would be (and still is) stupid. I should have just said, "Fine. Do what you want with it. I'll start my own fanzine so I can do what I want." (I did that, too, anyway. Wow! What a lot of work that was! I miss it!)
I hold equal blame in this. Or I did. I'm letting it go. That's why I'm now talking about it when I've said I woudn't. I've realized now that keeping this bottled in is still hurting me, and I want to cleanse myself of this ridiculous demon so it can't creep on me at the odd occasion and tear me up all over again. This journal is really my only outlet for everything in my life, and I don't always utilize it. That's why . . . that's why I've taken Starchaser off of my friends list. If she wants to talk to me, I'll listen. I won't ever close that door, but the truth of the matter is I need to let go of that hope.
All that remains now is that letter. I still have it. A part of me still doesn't want to let that letter go because it's the actual last piece of communication I have from her (not counting replies to comments made in her livejournal. She's blocked me from doing that now, too), but I know I need to get rid of it. If I don't, it'll forever keep a hold of me, and I won't be free. And I want that more than anything right now.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me over this or to feel like they need to take my side or even point out how stupidly I behaved at that time. It isn't necessary, and I've admitted my guilt of the matter. I behaved stupidly, and I know it. I knew it then after everything was all said and done. Besides, as with losing my jobs at Autumnwood and Wendy's, that fight had to happen. There was a reason for it. I mean, that same year, I finally went back to college at NMC. I took a creative writing course my second year back, and it was in that class that I rediscovered an original character of mine. He underwent some serious changes, but he became a character that I truly adore and that I want to put in as many original science fiction and fantasy novels as possible. It was this creative writing class that finally got me to start writing more of my own material instead of fanfiction. I may have never done any of that if it had not been for that fight. It's a strange way of looking at the situation, but it is the truth. In so many ways, that stupid, pitiful fight liberated me at the same time it bound me. For the liberation, I am truly grateful.
As I write this, you know, I'm beginning to think that maybe it's a good thing Starchaser and I are not friends anymore. I've been liberated from a lot of restrictions I would have placed on myself if that fight had never happened or if she had given our friendship a second chance. I can't say the same for her because I don't know entirely what she's done with her life in the last seven years. I find I don't care, either, because her life is not mine to live. Just as my life is not hers to live. Not only that, but I believe we both have the personality types to really hold a grudge. Who is to say that, should we have patched things up after that fight, that one of us would not use that fight against the other? Colour me paranoid on that, but it is a very real possibility. I cannot say with any certainty that it would have happened because, well, things didn't work out that way, and, as I said, it's probably for the better.
Anyway, I'm living much healthier now than what I was seven years ago. Seriously! ^_^ Seven years ago, I was drinking Coca-Cola like it was water. I had a can (or bottle) open from the time I got out of bed in the morning until I went to bed in the morning. I still drink way too much soda, but it isn't the only thing I drink. I've switched it up with coffee and grapefruit juice and light soy milk. I've even switched from regular Coca-Cola to Coca-Cola Zero. Of course, that isn't so much because of the fight as it is my medical condition and doctor's orders! LOL. But I do have to be honest with myself. I feel good about myself (mostly) and the decisions I'm making for myself. You can't beat that!
In other news, I have (yet again!) applied for a personal care assistant position at the local hospital. This time, I applied online (because that's now the only way a person can apply for a position there), and I hate that process. It is a good process, but it's a shitty process at the same time. You have to do this survey in order for your application to be complete, and it's one of those personal surveys where they ask you things like, "I work well as a team player," and "I work well on my own." You answer with Strongly Disagree, Disagree, Neither Agree nor Disagree, Agree, Strongly Agree. And yes! Both of those questions are on that survey. My brother has a very valid point about both of those questions, and I'm gonna share it.
They ask you those questions, right? And you agree with both statements that you work well with others and you work well on your own. If the potential employer is a real prick, he's gonna think you're lying about something. After all, how can you work well on your own if you work well with others? It may be the absolute truth, but they're going to think you're lying about something. Not a pleasant picture to think about, is it?
So, I've filled out my application, I've taken this survey (all done yesterday), and I'm hoping I get called for an interview and I get the job. While I got an increase in pay by being unemployed, it won't last forever. I'm not going to quit writing, either. That's my dream, that's my life. I'm not giving up on that. I just don't like the thought of remaining idle for too long. That, and I need a new car. Everything takes money, but what happens when that runs out? I don't even want to think about that!
Ah well. Tomorrow is another day. ^_^