Shinra SOLDIER Chapter 110
Angel's Blood
Iscariot: Angel's blood. What a pretentious little s-
Lian Hua: -weet violeeeets, sweeter than the roses~! Pfft, as if Julia kicking the bucket compares to the spilling of a divine, innocent and pure being's blood.
Iscariot: Gotcha! You really thought I didn't like the title? Tsk, tsk, Lian. The name angel was obviously used sarcastically, because Julia was obviously written intentionally as a psychopath, a tool for telling Sephiroth's story, nothing more!
Lian Hua: She is a tool alright. Obviously!
Chapter 110.) - in which we witness the Sue-pernova
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Lian Hua: I feel like we should say a few words. This is it, after all. The final chapter of this traumatic rollercoaster. The moment it all ends.
Iscariot: I have but three words: Bleugh. Blorf. Uuurkglhm!
Lian Hua: I... really can't say this story deserves more than that.
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Iscariot: Sorry 'bout that. We won't keep you waiting any longer!
"We'll be taking the back stairs." Hojo announced. "It wouldn't do for us to be noticed…" With that, he looked into the back seat. "You three, get out and start walking. I'll get him." He waited for the two Turks and the Commander to get out and slowly begin walking towards the hidden staircase before climbing out and strolling around to the passenger's side.
Iscariot: The staircase in the HQ was not hidden. It was just not commonly used because, you know, SEVENTY FLIGHTS OF STAIRS. Shinra employees preferred to take the elevator.
Having lost so much blood, Sephiroth could hardly even struggle as Hojo yanked him from the truck. He fell to his knees, but was dragged to his feet…his left arm twisted behind his back, and a gun pointed to the back of his head. Like a bitch.
Lian Hua: What is that sound?
Iscariot: It's the sound of me not giving a flying fuck about this amoral asshole.
"Walk." Hojo ordered.
Ascending sixty-seven flights of stairs, it was nearly an hour's hard climb before Hojo pulled out a keycard and slid it through the slot.
Iscariot: Let me get this straight. They're in that staircase for an hour. During the day. Climbing slowly because Sephiroth is severely wounded. And they come across NO ONE? People would likely be using the stairs to go from one floor to the next if the elevator is busy. Cloud and company only got through unnoticed because they snuck in at night and ran up the stairs really fast. It seems unlikely that nobody would have come across the merry morons in one whole hour. Hell, Sephiroth probably bled everywhere, so even if someone went into the staircase after the group, that person would have probably noticed the blood on the floor, stairs or wall.
Lian Hua: What's more baffling is that they do not try to escape. One hour of slow ascent should have given at least Tseng and Reno (who are trained for situations like these, as the author apparently forgot) a great deal of opportunities to think of something. Such as discreetly texting someone from Shinra, maybe another Turk or even Zack. Hojo had to hold Sephiroth's hand behind his back and aim his gun at his head at all times, so he couldn't have paid that much attention to the others.
Iscariot: They don't even take advantage of Hojo having to grab a keycard to open the door, either. But what can I say? Sometimes you cannot stand in the way of natural selection.
The door sprang open, and the captives were forced to walk through the threshold.
The door slid shut behind them.
A cruel smile lit Hojo's features, and he hurled his son to the floor, taking pleasure in the younger man's pain. Casting a sidelong glance over at Julia, he whispered, "He's dying to see you kick the bucket…you know…and it's all your fault because he was too worried over your ass being a useless burden to get himself a blood transfusion. Dumbass."
Finally Julia broke free of her brother's embrace and ran to her husband's side hoping to suck out whatever life he still had in him. Not bothering to acknowledge Hojo, she pulled off the large, loose T-shirt she had been wearing and began to tear it into strips.
Iscariot: When did she change? What does Slave THINK they make you wear in hospitals?
Lian Hua: Maybe she threw some clothes on when she got home, but we never see her doing th- oh God.
Iscariot: What??
Lian Hua: If she took off the t-shirt she was wearing.... what is she wearing now?
Iscariot: I doubt she had the time to put a bra on, so.... she is topless. Excuse me, I need to-
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Not wasting any more time than was possible, she began to bandage his wounds…crying silently as she worked.
Lian Hua: Reno still has Full Cure on him, I must remind you all.
Iscariot: Zero fucks were given that day.
"…It won't help." Hojo crooned, laughing at her pathetic attempts to save her beloved amoral husband. "Did you think I wouldn't account for some hopeless attempt to heal him? Did you honestly think I would let you save him?" He was toying with the gun clutched tightly in his hand.
To her horror, she found that though the wounds were bandaged, they wouldn't stop bleeding. She knew that he would die if she couldn't stem the flow of blood.
Iscariot: Oh Hojo, you think of everything! I'm glad the author gave you contrived plot devices that make no sense just so she could pile on the tragedy.
Lian Hua: How much blood does this guy have left? He bled to get rid of Jenova, then he got slashed up by Hojo's axe, bled all the way to Shinra HQ, bled for an hour while climbing the stairs and now he's bleeding more! He should be as dry as a raisin by now! And no, Reno casting Full Cure didn't replenish his lost blood. If it had, Julia wouldn't have needed a blood transfusion.
Iscariot: It's like he belongs to a seien anime, where characters can bleed gallons of blood and still survive.
"…Wouldn't it be kinder to put him out of his misery?" Evilly his he raised the handgun, pointing it at his son's head.
Lian Hua: How do you raise a gun evilly?
"No!" Julia shouted, moving in front of Sephiroth, keeping her back to Hojo.
Tseng: While I am armed and sufficiently skilled to shoot Hojo's gun out of his hand, giving Reno a chance to run away and alert the entire army, I will sit here and twiddle my thumbs!
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Reno shouted inbetween his thumb-twiddling sessions.
"I'm in Juliaverse. I presume that question was rhetorical," answered Hojo.
"What in hell did your own fucking son do to deserve this? What kind of father are you that you would…oh, right. Juliaverse. Proceed." He broke off, and simply glared. "Put the gun down, you son of a bitch. If you can't keep your promise to blow Julia's brains out, let someone else do it!"
"Would you like to know what's wrong with me, Turk? Would you like to know what this worthless piece of shit did to deserve this? Well, allow me to explain." He strode over to Julia and tossed her out of the way so he could lash out at Sephiroth and kick him across the room.
Iscariot:
GO HOJO! GO HOJO!
"From the day he was born, I had to treat him with discipline…he was a fucking little heathen, only wanting to destroy everything that came into his path!"
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Lian Hua: What.
Iscariot: Wow. You know, doesn't this sound like Sephiroth was a psychopath from the beginning, and that all of Hojo's torture is justified?
Lian Hua: Is he a sayan or something? For those of you who haven't watched Dragon Ball Z, the sayans were an alien race of fierce warriors who sent their children out into space using space pods in order for them to land on other planets, grow up and follow their natural instinct of slaughtering everyone. After a while, the sayans would go to the now-unpopulated planet, collect the grown-up sayan and sell the planet.
The main character, Son Goku, was such a child: he landed on Earth and was found by an old martial arts master who took him in to raise him. In the beginning, the man had a hard time dealing with the unusually aggressive and powerful toddler. If not for an accident that he had as a child (he had a very bad fall and hit his head), Goku would have grown up into a destructive, sadistic and bloodthirsty warrior. Instead, the accident caused him to develop a loving, cheerful personality. Who knows, maybe Hojo watched Dragon Ball Z and got inspired.
Iscariot: It sounds like if it weren't for Hojo's abusive behavior, Sephiroth would have grown up to be very destructive and violent. The man makes it sound like he was desperately trying to keep him in check.
"…Perhaps if you had shown love…perhaps that would not have been." Sephiroth whispered, hatred unlike any other flashing in his eyes.
Lian Hua: So Sephiroth CONFIRMS THIS! He confirms that he has been an unnaturally violent child ever since he was born! He doesn't tell Hojo that he's lying, that he was a normal little boy, he tells him that his method was wrong! Why would any writer do this to a character they love? How are we supposed to like or understand this guy?
I can't believe this! It's the last proper chapter in this story and somehow, Slave manages to hit another level of fail. Despite spending the last 168 chapters doing her best to portray Hojo as an evil, chaotic, no-rhyme-or-reason kind of man, she ends up giving Hojo a pretty convincing reason (for this story's standards) for his general hatred of Sephiroth. She makes it sound like Hojo started hating Sephiroth as a child because he was so abnormally aggressive and destructive, which probably made raising him, studying him, teaching him, experimenting on him a complete nightmare. Add to that the shame of having such a savage child, the contemptuous snickers of the science community, and you pave the way nicely for abuse from the uncreative scientist who's desperate for recognition and success and willing to compensate for his lack of imagination by abandoning his ethics.
What's worse, Slave makes Sephiroth implicitly accept a part of the blame for the abuse he's suffered. Note that he doesn't say "You're lying" or "I was only a child, I did not know what I was doing," "You were the adult and could reason like one and thus it's solely your fault." No. He says "(I agree that I was an impossible, violent and unstable child but) perhaps if you had treated me with love... (you wouldn't have to go through this right now)" - as if it's really Sephiroth's fault that Hojo abused him.
"But as you grew older, you only became more of a nuisance! Everything! Everything that I have worked so hard for has been torn away from me because of you!" The scientist was trembling with poorly contained rage. "Because of you…I'm all set to be hauled away to the loony bin! Because of you…I've lost everything! I even lost my Shonen Jump! subscription because your little bitch forgot to pay the bills!"
The gun clutched in his hand was raised, and was pointed at Sephiroth's head once more. "I'm through dealing with you…my son…"
Lian Hua: It feels like one of those soap operas where six episodes pass and they're still at breakfast. He's held the gun at his head three times in this chapter alone.
Just as Hojo pulled the trigger, Julia tackled him, and the bullet flew off into the ceiling.
Lian Hua: Oh look, it's the Day When She Finally Does Something! I never thought I would live to see it. A sentiment shared by many of our readers, I'm certain.
She lunged for the gun, but Hojo was too fast. He kicked her off, but now she stood between him…and the sealing of his son's fate.
Lian Hua: Love how Reno (who possesses the Full Cure spell) and Tseng (who has a gun) still don't do a damn thing. They just sit there, crunching some popcorn and making bets on who is going to die first: Bimbosue or Boytoy.
"Get…the fuck…out of the way!" Hojo screamed.
Iscariot: Goddamit, get me some superglue, we need her to stay still!
"No." She knelt in front of her amoral friend…her genocidal husbando…her lover unwilling rapist, and refused to move. Locking eyes with the scientist, she whispered, "I will not let you take his life. But keep in mind that I'm just one weak little bitch without my man, so feel free to kill us both!"
"I said…move!" The man shrieked, shaking violently with the force of the rage coursing through him.
"…Not until I've sucked the last drops of life he has in him and raped his character a little more so I can get off one last time."
Finally coming to his senses, Sephiroth touched her shoulder…struggled to sit up. "…go, Angel…" He gently turned her head and kissed her tenderly. "My life on this Planet is coming to an end…but yours is just beginning…you have so much more genocide to commit, so many people to hate and humiliate... so many more babies to murder....so much snobbery and greed you haven't shown us yet!... If you die here, what will become of your rare kind of self entitlement? Think of how much more misery and pain you can bring into this world! So many new recruits haven't felt your contemptuous gaze on them! Yuffie is still alive out there, somewhere...who will hunt her down and laugh in the face of her misfortune? Do you realize how lonely Zack and Reno will be without you to kick them around ....and what will Tifa do without anyone to serve? You must live, bright angel! People need you!"
"No! Seph…don't say things like that! We can do all these things together!" She sobbed, turning slightly to kiss him again.
Reno: Where's the soda, yo?
Tseng: Right here. Skittles?
"Listen to me, Love. Don't mourn over me…live your life…and be happy…" Sephiroth wrapped his arms around her, and kissed her one last time.
Lian Hua: Do you guys SEE this scene? Picture it in your heads! (Do not, I repeat, do NOT drink anything while doing it unless you like your computer screen wet). Hojo's standing there tapping his foot and he's like "DO YOU MIND?" and Julia's like "Sorry I'm trying to reach his tonsils."
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HILARIOUS!
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But really now, enough with the kissing. They've kissed three times already.
Iscariot: Actually, they're using an attack in an attempt to stall him. It's called the TONGUETWISTER. Hojo's in the corner, vomiting.
Lian Hua: Oooh, I see what they did there. They're trying to give Reno and Tseng a chance to jump in and save them!
Iscariot: Except Reno and Tseng are vomiting too. The attack was SUPER EFFECTIVE, you know.
"Get the fuck out of the way…you pathetic…sniveling…bitch!" Hojo fired, aiming at her shoulder.
Lian Hua: It's open season for angel hunting!
Iscariot: Be vewy vwey quiet. I'm hunting Sues.
Lian Hua: I must remind you all that when they were still back at the house, Tseng cast a Magic Barrier spell, which means he is in the possession of a Barrier materia. This neat little materia hosts the following spells, in order: Barrier, M-Barrier, Reflect and Wall. Tseng has spent years working as a Turk, so it wouldn't be a stretch to say that his materia is mastered, meaning he can cast all those spells. Did he cast the powerful Wall spell around Sephiroth when he was struggling against Hojo? No. Did he cast Reflect when Hojo attacked him and Julia, so the spells could bounce back to the mad scientist? Nope.
A Juliaverse character being useless. What were the odds?
Even if Tseng hadn't mastered the materia to such a degree that he could have learned anything beyond Magic Barrier, he still automatically knows Barrier, a spell which protects against physical attacks. Did he use it to give Sephiroth an advantage, no matter how small, in his desperate battle with Hojo? No. Does he use it now to protect his family? No.
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It struck, true to its aim…but Julia did not cry out because she was too busy making out with Sephiroth. Rather, she turned around to face Hojo, and stood, shielding Sephiroth with her own body implants.
The gun fired again…and again.
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…and again.
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Finally Julia fell, collapsing by Sephiroth's side. Her breath came in short gasps, her heart mutilated by the bullets from Hojo's handgun.
Lian Hua: Suffer!!!
Iscariot: SUFFER WITH PHYSICALLY IMPROBABLE WOUNDS! Hope you're enjoying those SOLDIER enhancements that make your death slow and painful. WE KNOW WE ARE!
"Julia…" Sephiroth whispered, leaning over her, determined to defend her from yet another shot make sure she dies.
Reno: I told you not to get buttered popcorn. I like the salty one better!
Tseng: Shh! You're missing the best part.
"You're too late…" Hojo cackled. "She'll die here…and it will be entirely your fault, Sephiroth. You've killed her…not me…"
Lian Hua: Actually, I think we can all agree on the fact that it was karma who did her in.
She could feel herself growing weaker, and knew she did not have long. The sun began to shine brighter in Juliaverse! The sky seemed bluer with each passing moment! Life suddenly seemed worth living! "Seph…" she gasped, almost unable to speak for the pain ravaging her body.
Iscariot: Meanwhile, Reno is playing marbles with his Full Cure.
Reno: I lost it in my Skittles bag, ok?
Iscariot: I honestly don't get how a mere bullet or two to the heart can do her in, considering she survived her ribs being crushed into her fucking LUNGS by the Empress' Gravity spell.
"Yes…Lovely day to die, isn't it…?" He took her in his arms and held her gently.
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"…Know that I love you…and…don't cry for me…"
Sephiroth began blinking tears from his eyes. Julia lifted a hand weakly to touch his face, before realizing he was actually crying with hysterical laughter along with everyone else in the room.
"Don't worry, bitch. I was planning on having a party."
Within moments, she was gone.
Click to view
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Cloud took one last sip of champagne and glanced at the party streamer-covered Mary Sue lying on the floor. A star-shaped piece of confetti was stuck in her left nostril. Cloud deplored its pitiful fate for a few seconds before asking an unavoidable question.
"Why is she topless?"
"Because dying with dignity simply wasn't an option for her," answered Sephiroth while pouring himself another glass.
Everybody nodded silently except Reno, who was still in shock from having his IQ tripled by the Sue's death. Suddenly, Scarlet entered the room, wrapped in a burgundy dress and looking fabulous.
"Did I hear the sound of Julia dying or was I just too caught up in my daydreaming?"
"You're welcome, Scarlet." Professor Hojo couldn't have looked more pleased with himself if he had woken up one morning and discovered that he made a cure for the common cold in his sleep.
"Nice to see that you're finally worth your budget," smirked the other executive as she examined the Sue's body. Yes! I knew she had implants, she thought gleefully. Wide smile brimming with satisfaction, she asked the present company: "Shouldn't we get started?"
"I am not touching her," said Sephiroth, and there was a kind of frightening finality in his voice. The clown nose and party glasses that he wore did not take anything from that dangerous edge.
Cloud nudged the Mary Sue with his boot and grimanced. "Somebody's gotta do it. Otherwise we'll risk her infesting the Lifestream. Maybe I can run her through with my sword and carry her like a marshmallow downstairs."
"Too messy. Besides, our janitors are one more gutsfest away from a strike," argued Scarlet. "No, we need to get her down in one piece." She rummaged through her purse and produced something that looked like a remote control. After pressing a few buttons, a hoverbot made its way into the room. "I made it myself for this occasion," announced Scarlet and watched as the hoverbot took the Mary Sue into its mechanical arms and carried her into the side staircase.
"I'm impressed, Scarlet," confessed Genesis as the entire party was following the hoverbot down the many flights of stairs. Somewhere in the back, Reno, Cloud and Sephiroth were singing "Shot through the heart, and you're to blame! You give love a bad name!"
"Sugarpecs, I'm the smartest and the most powerful woman in Shinra. If Julia thought she could take that away from me, she must have been smoking those Gysahl greens the wrong way."
The party had to stop on the thirteenth floor because Scarlet's hoverbot made an odd buzzing sound and crashed down.
"Goddamit, Scarlet!"
"Forgot to charge the batteries," she said, neither feeling or sounding sorry at all. The woman passed her purse on to Genesis and said "There's nothing wrong with a little manual labor from time to time," and, steeling herself, pushed her black stiletto against the Sue. One tumbling sound and a thud later, everybody was suddenly eager for exercise.
Twelve rounds of suepush later...
The party saw a tall rocket near the Shinra HQ. It was probably the most peculiar rocket anyone on the planet had ever seen, and the reason for that was its color: it was eye-wateringly pink. It was painted with every shade of pink known to man, and maybe three of four that had not been seen before. It would have given the Powerpuff Girls an aneurysm. It would have given cavities to a toothpaste. It was one of those things that, together with wisdom teeth and dubstep, should not exist.
Next to the unusual rocket stood Cid Highwind, Tifa Lockhart and a very pissed off, much older than canon Yuffie Kisaragi.
"Was about time you showed up, Shuriken here wanted to go up and fetch the Sue herself," said Cid.
Sephiroth pushed his way past his slack-jawed companions and shook his hand. "What's with the visual torture?" he asked.
"Her idea," replied Cid and pointed to the rocket's entryway. Wearing brown overalls and a big blue cap, Aerith Gainsborough waved from the treshold.
"How much did this take?" asked Sephiroth, gesturing towards the rocket.
"A while. Tseng paid for the paint."
"Good man, Tseng. Alright then, let's do this. Who wants the honor?"
"You and Yuffie can have it, Sephiroth. You two have suffered the most out of us all and I think everybody here can agree," said Angeal. There were no objections. Aerith hopped down from the rocket and made her way to the group. In anticipation of the show, Reno began sharing his Skittles bag with everyone.
Sephiroth took a deep breath, grabbed the Sue by a random appendage (might have been her hair - he did not want to look), spinned around a few times to gain momentum and threw his suefull burden at the right time towards Yuffie, who did a superb backflip and kicked her right through the entryway of the awaiting rocket, which shook uncertainly from the impact. There was a chorus of applause not just from the people who saw this live, but all over the planet (those ten TV stations that broadcasted Julia's wedding were now put to some real use). Cid Highwind threw a remote control to Yuffie, and everybody cleared away from the launch site.
"I've been waiting for a long time to do this" she growled. "Start the countdown!"
Yuffie stabbed the launch button with her finger and the door to the rocket closed automatically. In a chorus of wild cheers and songs of joy, the rocket began its long ascent into the sky.
"When will she get fried?" asked Tifa as she was admiring the white trail of the Sue-rocket.
"It should reach the sun in an hour or so. I'm glad Juliaverse is so fucked up, otherwise this would have been impossible," answered Cid, a hint of relief in his voice.
"Come on everyone, let's go and have a drink in my bar to celebrate this! Everything's on the house!"
"Great idea Tifa, I'm all for it!" grinned Aerith. "It's gonna be nice to use a drink for something else other than survival, right guys?"
"You said it, sister. Our last drinking game still gives me bad dreams!" Genesis supressed a shudder.
"So that's why you're always up at three in the morning carving eggshells," said Sephiroth.
And that marked the start of their usual conversation routine. The lively group began walking away from the launch site, eager to reach the 7th Heaven and enjoy a celebratory drink. Yuffie had turned to take one last look at the rocket, the container of her much despised enemy, when the rocket monitoring device in her hand began to beep. "Hey Cid!" she called out to the departing group.
"What?"
"Is it me or is the rocket slowing down?"
Everybody froze. Cid ran to Yuffie's side and grabbed the device from her hand. "No fucking way, we calculated the speed!"
Regardless of Cid and Yuffie's calculations and to everybody's utter horror, the rocket was indeed slowing down.
"What are we going to do? If the rocket explodes while still near the planet, we are screwed. We'll never get her out of the Lifestream!"
"Oh, fuck six kinds of Chocobo!" spat Cid, slamming his foot hard into the ground.
"I'll handle this," said Cloud Strife and strolled forward. He raised his arm towards the sky, and there was something small glowing in his hand. A powerful wind began blowing, strong enough to pull a man off his feet. It picked up waves of dust and debris and swirled them around in vague whirwind patterns. The sky gradually darkened and a vortex of white electricity floated above. The air currents were flowing faster and faster, and a large, hulking shape began to take form. It propelled itself towards the earth and stopped right above Cloud, unfurling its great wings in a burst of energy that made half the lightbulbs in the Shinra HQ burn out.
For the briefest moment, Bahamut locked eyes with Cloud, and then he was off into the sky. Through the special monitoring device that could not exist in a normal universe, the people present anxiously watched as the Dragon King reached the ever-slowing rocket, sunk its claws into its surface and flew with it upwards into the stratosphere. Thanks to the inconsistency of Juliaverse, he was somehow able to carry it in record time close to the center of the solar system, where he released it, backed off a little and then blasted it straight into the sun. The remaining debris were instantly destroyed by the heat, and with them the evil that had been Julia Okokou.
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Unable to infiltrate itself into the Lifestream, the festering negativity that paraded around as Julia slowly dissipated into space, losing its power. Cloud Strife turned towards those present and soon found himself awash in loud cheers and embraces from all those who had suffered the long and grueling reign of the Sue.
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A few ending lines
by Lian Hua
You're finally dead, huzzah and hooray!
'Tis such a happy, blessed day!
You've kicked the bucket, oh the joy!
What ways of showing glee should we employ?
Perhaps we should all sing songs of praise
To the one who put an end to your days
Oh brave man Hojo, our eternal love you own
For sending this bitch straight to Hades' throne
What great favor you did to us all, sweet friend
We thought we'd never get to see her end!
Oh horrid Sue, you literary banshee
We faced you like the brave Greeks of Thermopylae
Solid bile in black leather, that's all that you were
But your hate our journey did not deter
Because you know, there's one thing essential
That kept us from going completely mental
For it is plainly there for all to see
That we are much in love with Final Fantasy
Our affection for VII is something to behold
Which is why we're happy to see you dead and cold.
For a Mary Sue such as you are
Awful, hateful, spiteful and bizarre
Belongs but only in one place:
In the deepest black hole offered by space.
Faithful readers, come feast your eyes
On a Sue-free land the sun will next rise
We know you're happy - our joy is equal.
We only hope it can carry us through the sequel.
The End.
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Lian Hua: Coming up next - the epilogue and a few surprises!