Pointlessness
Cut for TMI and some ranting with profanity.
Been depressed off and on for the past week. Some days (or hours) are better and worse than others. At the moment I'm in an upswing, or I wouldn't be writing this. Anyway, I'm starting to increasingly suspect that to some extent my depressive episodes are controlled/influenced by my menstrual cycle, because I've noticed things often get much worse right before a period. This isn't a long-term trend, it's something that's seemingly been going on for the past year or two. Considering my menstrual cycle's been getting weirder in other ways over the past few years (it's becoming more erratic, often shorter, with more breakthrough bleeding), I also wonder if that's related too. I'm probably too young to be heading into early menopause, but something's clearly going on.
My arthritis is really flaring for some reason, and my hands are painfully swelling up. I'm really unhappy when it hurts to type or use my hands, because well, we all use our hands a lot. And dammit do I hate child-proof caps when my hands are flaring up.
Most people have probably heard about the Tony Harris cosplay nonsense, but it hit kind of close to home because part of it gnaws at my own insecurities. He rants about women cosplaying to turn on nerds, and then spends a fair amount of time telling these women that they aren't nearly as pretty as they think they are. I personally am under no illusions about my attractiveness; I know I'm an ugly woman (believe me, many many dudes have made sure to tell me that over the years). But for the past month I've been wrestling with the idea of maybe cosplaying as Golden Glider, because I want to but frankly don't think I'm pretty enough. Having some guy -- a professional artist in the industry, no less -- sneering at women for not being pretty enough to cosplay, or having the audacity to think they can cosplay as an attractive character actually really stings. Now I'm even more insecure about the idea. I hate letting these dickheads win, but now I'm even less confident about doing it, so fuck Tony Harris.
Also, while we're at it, I'm tired of feeling like I have to prove myself. I'm sure most of these guys would say that I'm not the kind of poser Harris is talking about, but not everybody knows that. When people like Harris and his defenders suggest that genuinely nerdy women are actually the exception rather than the rule, they create this obnoxious climate where women have to prove they know what they're talking about and are not one of those chicks. I don't want to get shit at a con or a comic shop because some jerk wants to make sure I'm genuine before I can buy my goddamned comics. I don't even want to worry that someone's going to do that. I'm there for a good time, not some kind of nerd Inquisition.
Also, reading about this shit actually made me feel more depressed last week, so again, fuck Tony Harris.
But this little buddy helped cheer me up! I made a pouch for him out of my hoodie so he could hang out with me ^_^
In other news, I thought I was dealing with New 52 angst fairly well these days, and then somebody posted a sad Top/Glider fic tonight and it was a huge gut-punch. But not as bad as it's been in the past (no tears), so maybe I'm doing better now, wooo. <-- This sentence may actually be the most pathetic thing you'll read all day.
Been depressed off and on for the past week. Some days (or hours) are better and worse than others. At the moment I'm in an upswing, or I wouldn't be writing this. Anyway, I'm starting to increasingly suspect that to some extent my depressive episodes are controlled/influenced by my menstrual cycle, because I've noticed things often get much worse right before a period. This isn't a long-term trend, it's something that's seemingly been going on for the past year or two. Considering my menstrual cycle's been getting weirder in other ways over the past few years (it's becoming more erratic, often shorter, with more breakthrough bleeding), I also wonder if that's related too. I'm probably too young to be heading into early menopause, but something's clearly going on.
My arthritis is really flaring for some reason, and my hands are painfully swelling up. I'm really unhappy when it hurts to type or use my hands, because well, we all use our hands a lot. And dammit do I hate child-proof caps when my hands are flaring up.
Most people have probably heard about the Tony Harris cosplay nonsense, but it hit kind of close to home because part of it gnaws at my own insecurities. He rants about women cosplaying to turn on nerds, and then spends a fair amount of time telling these women that they aren't nearly as pretty as they think they are. I personally am under no illusions about my attractiveness; I know I'm an ugly woman (believe me, many many dudes have made sure to tell me that over the years). But for the past month I've been wrestling with the idea of maybe cosplaying as Golden Glider, because I want to but frankly don't think I'm pretty enough. Having some guy -- a professional artist in the industry, no less -- sneering at women for not being pretty enough to cosplay, or having the audacity to think they can cosplay as an attractive character actually really stings. Now I'm even more insecure about the idea. I hate letting these dickheads win, but now I'm even less confident about doing it, so fuck Tony Harris.
Also, while we're at it, I'm tired of feeling like I have to prove myself. I'm sure most of these guys would say that I'm not the kind of poser Harris is talking about, but not everybody knows that. When people like Harris and his defenders suggest that genuinely nerdy women are actually the exception rather than the rule, they create this obnoxious climate where women have to prove they know what they're talking about and are not one of those chicks. I don't want to get shit at a con or a comic shop because some jerk wants to make sure I'm genuine before I can buy my goddamned comics. I don't even want to worry that someone's going to do that. I'm there for a good time, not some kind of nerd Inquisition.
Also, reading about this shit actually made me feel more depressed last week, so again, fuck Tony Harris.
But this little buddy helped cheer me up! I made a pouch for him out of my hoodie so he could hang out with me ^_^
In other news, I thought I was dealing with New 52 angst fairly well these days, and then somebody posted a sad Top/Glider fic tonight and it was a huge gut-punch. But not as bad as it's been in the past (no tears), so maybe I'm doing better now, wooo. <-- This sentence may actually be the most pathetic thing you'll read all day.