anniversary
Almost one year ago, I moved to Santa Fe. It's hard to believe it's already been so long; I feel like I have barely moved yet at the same time I am so far from who I was back then. This feeling of drifting invades me, floating like a piece of drift wood not aiming for any particular shore, but aimlessly bobbing my way down the river. I do not often long to feel grounded, in the sense of staying in one place semi-permanantly, but as of recent I long to put down some roots. To not feel so unsettled.
I've been visited by a lot of ghosts lately. I don't mean spooky white-sheet apparitions or even shimmering glimpses of shadows and shapes. Ghosts to me can come in myriad forms. Like when you are standing in the kitchen making tea and suddenly you catch the scent of an ex-lover's cologne, as if he were standing behind you; or sitting by candlelight and suddenly feeling an old friend standing by your side, or a memory that hits you hard, hard, out of nowhere.
I told the boy the other day that sometimes I feel that my emotions pour out so fast that they clog the channel and begin to build up. Build up so much that they restrict anything else from passing through. Then someone - be it myself or someone else - has to move in and clear a path so that it can flow again. There is a simple beauty to the way I live my life, but at times it’s hard, because I think I feel deeper than most people. I don't say this to sound conceited or that it's even necessarily better, but I act and react almost entirely from heart, not by logic. It can be a good thing, because the simplest beauty - the smell of clouds or sunset or a leaf plastered with dew - can make my heart want to explode with joy. On the opposite end, I hurt so easily. It doesn’t take much to tear me down. Those are the hardest times. I get by knowing I have the resilience to live through it, to rise up out of it, like the Phoenix. Perhaps a part of me needs destruction. Like Kali, the process of creation and destruction are the in the same area. They go together, but then again... just because destruction is a natural part of creation doesn't mean that it is easy or that it is painless.
And that's when I go back to the idea of being able to create a space. Being able to step into a different moment, a different time, a different place. I don't avoid reality, but there are times when I definitely need a break from everything.
I suppose that sounds a bit ethereal. I am heading back to the homeland this weekend... hopefully the drive will be plenty of time to do some emotional detox.
I've been visited by a lot of ghosts lately. I don't mean spooky white-sheet apparitions or even shimmering glimpses of shadows and shapes. Ghosts to me can come in myriad forms. Like when you are standing in the kitchen making tea and suddenly you catch the scent of an ex-lover's cologne, as if he were standing behind you; or sitting by candlelight and suddenly feeling an old friend standing by your side, or a memory that hits you hard, hard, out of nowhere.
I told the boy the other day that sometimes I feel that my emotions pour out so fast that they clog the channel and begin to build up. Build up so much that they restrict anything else from passing through. Then someone - be it myself or someone else - has to move in and clear a path so that it can flow again. There is a simple beauty to the way I live my life, but at times it’s hard, because I think I feel deeper than most people. I don't say this to sound conceited or that it's even necessarily better, but I act and react almost entirely from heart, not by logic. It can be a good thing, because the simplest beauty - the smell of clouds or sunset or a leaf plastered with dew - can make my heart want to explode with joy. On the opposite end, I hurt so easily. It doesn’t take much to tear me down. Those are the hardest times. I get by knowing I have the resilience to live through it, to rise up out of it, like the Phoenix. Perhaps a part of me needs destruction. Like Kali, the process of creation and destruction are the in the same area. They go together, but then again... just because destruction is a natural part of creation doesn't mean that it is easy or that it is painless.
And that's when I go back to the idea of being able to create a space. Being able to step into a different moment, a different time, a different place. I don't avoid reality, but there are times when I definitely need a break from everything.
I suppose that sounds a bit ethereal. I am heading back to the homeland this weekend... hopefully the drive will be plenty of time to do some emotional detox.