Fanfic: Unplanned Parenthood Chapter Two
Title: Unplanned Parenthood
Author: LexKitten
Chapter: Two - Unthinking and Over-thinking
Summary: “Carter, do you ever get the feeling these alternate universes are trying to tell us something?”
Previous Chapters: Prologue, Chapter One
Rating: Teen
A/N: I started out with just a short plan for this chapter, but it somehow snowballed and became much longer than I expected. I just couldn't seem to say this any other way >.< Future chapters won't be so long!
Big thanks as always to my wonderful beta-readers, windsparrow , lilferret and tardisinthesgc for putting up with my whiny chapter worries.
Songs to Listen to: "I Wanna Have Your Babies" by Natasha Bedingfield.
***
“I can’t do this,” Sam said, throwing herself into an infirmary chair in despair. “Janet, what am I doing? I can’t do this. Why aren’t you stopping me?”
The corners of Janet’s mouth twitched, but she managed to fight back her amusement and pretend to look concerned. “You’ll be fine,” she said, for the tenth time that morning.
Henrietta had been kept over-night in the infirmary for observation, according to standard procedure. Sam stayed with her, keeping a dutiful watch over the sleeping girl, until she too fell asleep, curled uncomfortably in the bedside chair. After twelve hours without incident, General Hammond was satisfied that Henrietta posed no immediate threat. He ordered that, provided she was under the supervision of a member of SGC personnel, she no longer needed to be detained. Sam was free to take her home.
Only … now Sam was getting cold feet.
“Can you take my temperature?” Sam asked. Her eyes nervously followed Henrietta who was up and exploring the infirmary, re-dressed in the same white skirt and pink blouse she had been found in. “I’m feeling kind of hot and dizzy, like I might have a fever. Some kind of fever that induces rushing into life-changing decisions.”
Janet rolled her eyes, keeping her focus on the stack of patient files she was supposed to be reviewing.
“I’m serious,” pleaded Sam. “I have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve never been that good with kids. I don’t know how to do this. What am I supposed to do to keep her happy?” She leant her head against the bed beside her, looking up pathetically at her friend.
“Sam, I went through the same panic with Cassie,” Janet assured her. “It’s a natural reaction. Being a parent is daunting. Especially if you’re adopting a child old enough to remember her previous home. And you’re facing this alone, so the responsibility is completely on you.”
Sam looked up at Janet, her eyes wide with panic. “You’re not making me feel a whole lot better,” she confided.
Janet put down her papers and gave Sam a sympathetic smile. “What I’m saying is, I know what you’re going through, and I know it’s going to be fine. Because, you don’t have a choice anymore. That little girl is counting on you. For everything. You can’t let her down.”
Sam exhaled, trying to steady her breathing. Janet was right, of course. Sam couldn’t afford to keep worrying about herself. She had a child to think of now. Henrietta had to come first, which meant she would have to get a hold of herself and start acting like a parent. If she could just stop her stomach from churning, and her palms from sweating…
“Put it back, Henrietta,” Janet scolded suddenly, not taking her eyes off her work.
Sam looked up sharply, spying Henrietta a few beds away crouched low to the ground. “How did you see that?” she asked. “She’s behind you.”
Janet’s eyes sparkled. “Mother’s instinct,” she teased.
“I just wanna know what it is!” Henrietta protested. She scurried out from between the beds, a thin steel rod clasped in one hand, connected via a cord to a hard plastic monitor screen that Henrietta dragged along the floor as she ran.
“It’s not for kids,” Janet replied.
“Well duh,” said Henrietta. “But what does it do?” She waddled over to Sam and held up the steel rod for her inspection.
“It’s a radio-spectral survey meter,” Sam told her. She pulled the box into her hands and flipped the ON switch. The dial lit up with a complex pattern of numbers and letters. “It’s used to measure radiation levels.”
Henrietta beamed at her in wonder. “How does it work?”
Sam frowned, wondering how much she would understand. “Well, do you know what an atom is?”
“The basic unit of matter,” Henrietta replied, rolling her eyes exasperatedly. “You’ve only told me like a million times.”
“Right, of course I have,” Sam said, smiling at herself. Or rather, her alternate-self. “Well, there are normal atoms and radioactive ones. Now, radioactive atoms are usually unstable, so they break down faster. This bit here,” she held up the steel rod, “records how fast atoms are degrading. And the screen tells you what the radiation level is. Here, hold out your arm and I’ll show you.” Henrietta dutifully thrust out her arm. Sam pressed the receptor against her wrist. The dial lit up again, flashing with numbers.
“What does it say?” Henrietta asked excitedly. “Am I radioactive?”
Sam gasped dramatically in mock surprise. “These levels are off the charts! You must be a freaky radioactive mutant with super-powers!”
“Really?” Henrietta gasped.
“No, not really,” Sam laughed, grinning broadly. “It says you’re a normal little girl.”
Henrietta’s face fell briefly, but almost at once she brightened up again. “Can I try it out on something? Please?”
“Only if you promise not to break it,” Sam agreed. “Or your Aunty Janey will be mad with me.”
“I promise,” Henrietta squealed, rushing off to test an IV stand for radiation.
Janet quietly watched the exchange out of the corner of her eye. “She sure takes after you, doesn’t she?” she noted.
Sam grinned, feeling a strange sense of flattery and pride. “You think so?”
Janet raised her eyebrows. “I’ve never seen a four year old that interested in radio-chemistry. I don’t think she gets that from her father.”
Sam laughed, suddenly picturing Jack in a laboratory, with a pair of big round glasses like Daniel’s, pouring over radio-metric read outs. That really would have to be an alternate universe. Her smile faded as her thoughts turned to the last time she had seen the Colonel, turning his back on her outside the infirmary. Sam tried reason that his decision had nothing to do with how he may or may not feel about her. But no matter what she told herself, the memory still left her with the numbing cold of rejection.
“Oh, Sam, I’m sorry,” said Janet, realising where Sam’s thoughts had gone. “Colonel O’Neill hasn’t changed his mind?”
“No, no. Why would he?” Sam asked, trying to keep her voice light. “I volunteered to look after her. Why would he want…I mean, it’s not like he’s really…he and I never…it’s better like this. I can take of her myself.” Sam tried smile convincingly.
“Sam,” Janet began delicately, “you know, if you want to talk…”
“It’s fine,” Sam interrupted. “There’s nothing to talk about.” Even with Janet, Sam felt like she had to stick to the old line. There was nothing to talk about, nothing to act on, and nothing at all between Sam and her commanding officer. Just how it should be.
There was suddenly a loud commotion at the door to the infirmary as Daniel and Teal’c
barreled in, throwing confetti and blowing party blowers. “Congratulations!” Daniel shouted enthusiastically.
“Shal’tuk,” Teal’c said, nodding solemnly at Sam with a party blower between his teeth like a cigar.
“It‘s about time you got here,” Janet muttered.
“What’s going on?” Sam asked in confusion, looking from the confetti covered Daniel and Teal’c, to the knowingly smirking Janet.
“We’re throwing you a baby-shower, of sorts,” Daniel explained, entering the infirmary proper trailing in a bundle of pink helium balloons adorned with ‘It’s a girl!’. Sam noticed they both had bulky pink packages under their arms, as well as a surprisingly large stock of confetti.
“A Party?” Henrietta cried in excitement, abandoning her new toy and running to meet Daniel and Teal’c. She grabbed a hold of Daniel’s arm, pulling herself off the ground and swinging on him like he was a tree-branch. “Uncle Danny, are there presents for me?”
Daniel heaved her off the ground, hoisting her onto his hip and carrying her over to the bed beside Janet and Sam. “Actually, yes, there are presents for you,” he said, earning a squeal of delight from Henrietta.
“Where did all this come from?” Sam asked.
“There is an entire shop devoted to celebratory wares,” Teal’c explained. “It was a veritable maze. We were lucky to escape with our lives.”
“We went into town this morning,” Daniel clarified. “To the party shop.”
“Guys, you shouldn’t have,” Sam said, blushing furiously.
Teal’c frowned, tilting his head to the side. “Daniel Jackson informed me that such celebrations are customary among the Tau’ri. Have we done something incorrectly?”
“No,” Sam laughed, grinning at Teal’c’s confusion. “‘You shouldn’t have’ is a saying, it means…well, it actually means thank you. So, thank you guys. This is really…sweet and embarrassing.”
“Exactly what I was going for,” Daniel grinned. “Any excuse to be embarrassing. And to take Teal’c out in public. Intimidating shop assistants really never gets old.”
“Presents,” Henrietta whined, tugging at Daniel’s hand. “Uncle Danny, you said there were presents for me.”
“Henrietta, say please,” Sam chided her automatically. “Or you won’t get anything.”
Janet smiled slyly at Sam. “See, you’re picking it up. You sound like a real mom already.” Sam flushed, realising she was right.
“Please, please, please,” Henrietta squeaked, wringing Daniel’s hand again. Daniel hurriedly extracted the bulky parcel from under his arm and tossed it into Henrietta’s waiting hands. She tore off the paper to reveal a ball of white fluff somewhat resembling a soft toy dog. She clutched it happily to her chest.
“Child, I also have a gift for you,” Teal’c said, holding out his own haphazardly covered package. Henrietta took it excitedly and tore off the wrapping paper. It appeared to be a rather large water-gun, only the ammunition barrel was full of jellybeans. “It is a model projectile weapon that fires sweet food-stuffs,” Teal’c explained, smiling proudly at Sam. “It has been my experience that human children enjoy toy weapons, and also sweets.”
“Wow,” Henrietta breathed, staring at the toy in awe. She aimed it at Teal’c and fired off a jelly-bean, which hit him in the temple and bounced harmlessly to the floor. “This is awesome!”
“Indeed,” Teal’c agreed with a frown.
Sam felt her heart swell with happiness. There was nothing like a badly organized party to remind a girl how much she was loved. Surrounded as she was by her friends’ smiles, Sam could almost forget the one person who was missing. Almost. “Thanks guys,” she said, looking first at Janet, then Teal’c and finally Daniel, knowing this would have been his idea. “I really appreciate it.”
“So do I,” Henrietta added eagerly. “I really ’preciate this gun Uncle T.”
“Oh yeah, I’m sure your mom does too,” Janet said, rolling her eyes. But she gave Henrietta’s hair an affectionate ruffle.
“Congratulations on your new child, Samantha Carter,” Teal’c said, with a smile and a slow nod.
“Yeah, you’re going to do great,” Daniel assured her.
“I hope you’re right,” Sam replied nervously, not at all sharing Daniel’s confidence, but grateful for it anyway.
“And Sam, whatever you need, we’re here for you,” Daniel offered, his eyes brimming with that heartfelt sincerity that was so characteristically Daniel. “You know that, right? We’re always happy to help.”
“Indeed,” Teal’c seconded.
“Absolutely,” Janet agreed.
Sam felt like she could have thrown her arms around all three of them at once. Her heart swelled with love and gratitude, the magnitude threatening to snap her ribs. “I know,” she whispered. She was still scared as hell, but at least now she knew she wasn’t alone.
As if on cue, Henrietta pounced on Sam, throwing her arms around her neck. “Mommy, can we go home now?” she whined.
Sam looked down into Henrietta’s eyes, taking in the full effect of her entirely dependent, innocent gaze. She slid her arms around the child’s waist, holding her little body close. “I’m ready if you are,” she told her.
***
Jack slouched back in his chair, his feet up on his desk, slamming a rubber ball against the wall. With SG1 officially in stand-down mode, he was fresh out of things to do. His paper-work was surprisingly up to date, with not a single outstanding mission report. The General had suggested he should head home and “enjoy his time off,” with the not so subtle hint that killing time in his office wasn’t an enjoyable thing to do. But for once, Jack was in no hurry to leave the SGC. So long as he stayed at the base, he felt like he was still on duty, which meant keeping his thoughts focused on military matters and away from all the niggling emotional turmoil stuff that was otherwise threatening to suffocate his head.
So, instead of clocking out and making use of some of his very rare leave-time, Jack chose to stay in his office and attempt to break his all time wall-ball-bounce record. Given the time he’d had to set this record in the months he and Teal’c had been trapped in a time-loop, it was no small task. There would be hours of time-wasting in this project.
He was just verging on three hundred when a sudden rap on the door jolted him out of his focused trance. His eyes cut to the door, just in time to miss the rubber ball rebounding off the wall and smashing into the side of his head. “Damnit, what?” he cried in exasperation.
“Uh, bad time?” Daniel asked, poking his head around the door.
“Argh, you threw me off,” he scowled. “I was trying to break my wall bouncing record.”
“Good, you’re not busy,” Daniel said, inviting himself into the office and taking the chair opposite Jack.
“Actually, yes I am,” Jack argued, scrabbling together a pile of disheveled papers that were spread all over his desk. “I’m reviewing my mission reports…for inaccuracies. Important busy stuff Daniel. Can’t be disturbed.”
“Really,” Daniel asked, pursing his lips and raising an eyebrow. “And when have you ever taken the time to review your mission reports before now?”
“Well, never,” Jack conceded. “So you can imagine how many I have to read through.”
“Uh-huh,” Daniel said, not buying it for a minute. He leaned back in the chair, making a show of looking casual and nonchalant. “You missed seeing Sam off this morning,” he said lightly, looking vaguely away past Jack’s head.
“Really, darn,” Jack replied, equally avoiding Daniel’s eyes by staring down at his shoes. “Ah well, I’ll see her when she gets back.”
“I’m sure she would have liked to see you,” Daniel said.
Jack frowned to himself, remembering the blank look in her eyes as he left her a mere half a day before. “Huh, I doubt that,” he muttered, more to himself than to Daniel.
“Yeah, I got the gist of your conversation with her from Janet,” Daniel advised. “Which is of course, why I’m here. Jack, I think you’re making a big mistake.”
Damn Daniel and his nosiness. He knew very well this was exactly the topic that Jack didn’t want to talk about. Well, Jack definitely wasn’t going to give him any help. “Hmmm,” he replied, the non-committal noise his only response.
Daniel sighed, leaning forward in his chair and resting his elbows on the desk between them. “Jack, we have to talk about this…”
“Where I come from, Daniel, men don’t talk about their feelings,” Jack replied, leaning back in his chair. “We prefer to bottle things up and suffer in silence. Much more manly.”
“And I’m sure that’s a very healthy way of dealing with your issues,” Daniel agreed sarcastically. “Unfortunately for you, I’m not going to leave you alone till you talk to me, so if you want to get this over with, you might as well open up.”
Jack shrugged, lifting up his hands in a gesture of innocence. “Nothing to talk about,” he told the nosy man. “Another day, another weird thing happens. That’s Stargate Command for you.”
“Don’t pretend this is like any other weird alien mishap,” Daniel argued. “This is your child, Jack. Y’know, Sam wasn’t really expecting this either, but at least she’s trying to deal with it.”
“What do you want me to do?” Jack grumbled, scowling at the wall. “Go home with Carter and play happy families with our shiny new kid? I can’t Daniel. We can’t do that.” They were getting dangerously close to a conversation Jack didn’t want to have. But Daniel never did know when to keep his nose out.
“Jack, if this is about how you feel about Sam…” Daniel began. Jack snapped his head around to meet Daniel’s eyes, giving him a glare that clearly told him they were not going to have this discussion. Jack had a line - a big red line that Daniel was well aware of - and talking about how he may or may not feel about his second in command was definitely crossing it. Daniel met his eyes and glared right back, un-intimidated. “If this is about how you feel about Sam,” he continued, “it shouldn’t be.”
Jack rolled his eyes, but his interest was piqued. “What’s it about then?” he grudgingly asked.
“Her,” Daniel answered, unmistakably meaning Henrietta. “She’s just a kid, Jack. She’s been thrust into this world on her own, running from God knows what, and you and Sam are all she knows. She needs her father, Jack.”
The words burnt into Jack’s chest like acid, tearing through his clothes, his skin, his bones, driving straight to the heart. They burnt through every barrier of logic, reason and protocol Jack had carefully erected to keep them away. They were the inevitable conclusion Jack had tried to block out, because he knew as soon as that conclusion reached his heart it would come up against the reason Jack was so damned scared of that harmless little kid. It would crash right into the fears and memories Jack kept so tightly locked inside his chest. Charlie. And crash they did.
“I’ve been a father before,” Jack said quietly, dropping his gaze to stare intently at his fists, clenched in his lap. “Maybe it’s ancient history to you, but I can’t forget, Daniel.”
“Jack, of course I didn’t forget,” Daniel replied just as quietly, wounded by Jack’s accusation. “I know you still feel guilty about what happened to Charlie. Maybe nothing can take that away. But you were a great father.”
“Oh yeah, real great,” Jack sneered, feeling the anger and self-hatred boiling up inside of him again.
“Jack,” Daniel lent forward, his voice desperate. “This is your second chance. Nothing can bring Charlie back. But Henrietta’s here now. If you don’t take this chance, you’ll be losing another child.”
Jack let the words sink in, unable to reply. His mind swam with images of Charlie. But they weren’t the memories he feared. Not the cold skin, the lifeless body, the vacant eyes. Instead, Jack remembered him laughing, and crying, smiling and throwing tantrums. He remembered his son being utterly and vibrantly alive. Just like a child should be.
***
“Please honey,” Sam begged the lounge room curtains. “Please come out.”
The floor length blue curtains quivered a little and shouted “No!”
“But I have to make dinner now,” Sam pleaded. “I don’t know what you want. Come out and have a look in the kitchen with me.”
It was Henrietta’s third tantrum since they’d come home that morning. After the first tantrum, she had sulked in her room for an hour until Sam coaxed her out with a bowl of goldfish crackers for lunch. Things stayed quiet while they ate. Probably because Henrietta couldn’t cry and stuff crackers into her mouth at the same time. But once lunch was over, Henrietta remembered she had nothing to play with. Sam didn’t have a single game in the house; her computer didn’t even have solitaire. So, tantrum number two lasted until Sam remembered she had cable and put on the cartoon channel. Which, somehow, brought them to tantrum number three.
It was the same every time. Some little thing would set her off, and suddenly she’d be bawling her eyes out and complaining that she wanted her toys, she wanted her room, and most of all she wanted her dad. Janet had warned that there would be tantrums. Children needed the stability of their home, their toys and their parents to ground them, and Henrietta had suddenly lost most of them. But Sam hadn’t expected the ferocity of Henrietta’s tears, or how frequently she would demand Jack.
“I’m never coming out,” Henrietta declared.
“You’re gonna get pretty hungry then,” Sam teased. The curtains didn’t laugh. She heard the dull thud of something bumping against glass. Henrietta was slamming her head against the window. “Henrietta please,” Sam shuffled forward on her knees until her nose was almost against the curtain. “If you come out, I’ll get you a present,” Sam said desperately. “Anything you want.”
“Daddy!” Henrietta shrieked.
“No, no, honey, I can’t,” Sam spluttered, but Henrietta’s cries cut her off.
“Daddy’s home! Daddy’s home!” She dashed out from behind the curtain nearly bowling Sam over in her haste to get to the door.
Sam lunged forward and threw back the curtains, just in time to see Colonel O’Neill stepping up to her front door. The doorbell rang. “Oh Holy Hannah…” Sam breathed. She stood paralyzed at the window, heart thumping in her chest. Jack rang the doorbell again. He looked around and spied Sam gawking at him from the window. He waved.
“Mommy!” Henrietta wailed. “Open the door!”
Sam stumbled into the hall. She pulled up short in front of the door and tried to catch her breath. Her heart was still thumping against her ribs. Henrietta looked up at her, arching her eyebrows. “Right, here goes,” Sam said. She opened the door. “Colonel, what a…”
“Daddy!” Henrietta rushed forward and threw herself at Jack. Sam tried to catch her in time but, to her surprise, Jack had already scooped Henrietta up into his arms.
“Hey kiddo. Nice welcoming committee,” Jack grinned. He hoisted Henrietta onto his hip and carried her past Sam back into the house. Henrietta wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face in his jacket. To Sam’s continued amazement, Jack didn’t seem uncomfortable in the slightest. In fact, he looked kind of pleased.
“Sir…” Sam began. She didn’t know how to continue. Her thoughts raced from the memory of his cold empty eyes outside the infirmary, to his soft smile as he held their child in his arms. “What are you doing here?” she managed to stutter.
“I thought you might like a hand wrangling this one,” he said, ruffling Henrietta’s hair. Henrietta squeaked with delight and clung tighter to his neck. Jack met Sam’s eyes, and his look promised a proper answer later. Of course, Sam thought, they couldn’t really talk with Henrietta there.
“You couldn’t have come at a better time,” Sam admitted.
“Have you been naughty, little missy?” Jack asked Henrietta.
“No,” she answered vehemently. “Not even a little.”
“Lies,” Jack boomed. He suddenly flipped Henrietta upside-down, holding her up by the ankle. Her white skirt flew downwards, half covering her face. She was suspended at least three feet above the ground.
“Sir!” Sam cried, rushing forward in alarm. “Be careful with her.”
Jack swung Henrietta out of her reach, smirking at them both. “Don’t worry, I’ve got her,” he said.
Henrietta shrieked in delight. “Ok, ok, I was a little bit naughty.” She giggled. “Please don’t punish me!”
“Punish you? Jack asked. “Oh, I’m going to do worse than that.” He fought to hide a grin, as Henrietta squirmed, upside down, in terror. Sam watched in awed confusion. “Major, what do we do with naughty girls?” Jack asked.
“Um, I don’t know, Sir,” Sam stumbled. She smiled sheepishly. “Actually, I think I promised her a present.”
Jack rolled his eyes. “A present? I don’t think so. I think naughty girls get thrown in jail!”
“No! Please daddy,” Henrietta begged. “It wasn’t my fault. Mommy wouldn’t give me any toys to play with.”
“Toys?” scoffed Jack. “Ho ho, there won’t be any toys where you’re going!” He threw her over his shoulder and made a dramatic show of marching slowly towards the door.
“No daddy, don’t! I’ll do anything you want!” Henrietta pleaded.
Jack stopped stock still, as if considering. “Well… alright. I’ll let you go free,” he agreed. “On one condition.”
“Anything!” Henrietta declared emphatically.
“From now on, you have to do everything your mom says, ok?” Sam felt her heart skip as she realised by “mom” he meant her. “And you have to have a bath before dinner,” Jack added, sniffing Henrietta’s feet. “You stink.”
“That’s two conditions,” Henrietta pointed out.
Jack grabbed her by the ankles again and held her out at arm’s length. “So, you’d rather go to jail?”
“No, no,” she said quickly. “I’ll have a bath.”
“That’s better,” Jack said. He looked at Sam, raising his eyebrows. “Towels, Carter?”
“Hall cupboard, Sir,” she replied automatically, still in shock.
Jack gave her a half salute, and proceeded to carry Henrietta off to the bathroom.
Sam stood rooted to the spot. She felt strangely dizzy - things were moving too fast to process what was going on. She tried to lay the events out in her mind like steps in an equation, hoping to find a logical conclusion. Yesterday the Colonel had told her out-right that he didn’t want anything to do with Henrietta. Today, he was tossing her over his shoulder and giving her a bath. Had he changed his mind?
Not that Sam wasn’t pleased. In fact, she was too pleased. Soft warmth had started in her stomach as she watched Jack and Henrietta play, and it was starting to spread out all over her. She tried to block out the thoughts about what their alternate lives must be like, in a world where Henrietta really was their daughter, and Jack would come home like this every night, take his daughter in his arms and kiss his wife hello….
No. She couldn’t think like that. It was beyond ridiculous. Now, more than ever, she had to keep herself in check, and focused on the task at hand.
“You don’t have bubble-bath,” Jack said, returning to the lounge room. “Strange. I always imagined you as the bubble-bath type.”
Sam flushed red. Did the Colonel really just say he had imagined her bathing? “I shower, Sir,” she said curtly.
“Right,” Jack replied, suddenly looking uncomfortable as well, his eyes not meeting hers. “Dinner?” He invited himself into the kitchen, and began rummaging through the cupboards for kid-friendly ingredients, picking out pasta and a bag of frozen peas. The sudden domesticity was too much for Sam.
“Sir, I’m a little confused,” She began bravely. “I thought after yesterday….” She trailed off uncomfortably, not wanting a repeat of the awkward discussion outside the infirmary.
Jack set down the peas, which he had been preparing to pour into a bowl, and sighed. “Yeah about that,” he started, his eyes still fixed on the peas. “I was a real jerk yesterday. Feel free to tell me where to stick it.”
“I wasn’t thinking ‘jerk’,” Sam assured him. Her heart was starting to speed up in her chest again, though just what she was hoping to hear, she couldn’t say. “I mean, you had your reasons.”
“Maybe, but they were stupid reasons. You shouldn’t have to do this on your own,” Jack said quietly. “I won’t let you.”
“What is exactly does that mean, Sir?” Sam asked. “If we’re assuming that her real parents are never coming back for her…I’m going to have to be her legal guardian. It’s not like you and I can have…well, joint custody.”
“Tonight, it means I’m going to make dinner, give her a bath, and put her to bed,” Jack answered. “We’ll work out the rest tomorrow.”
“But, Sir…” Sam began.
“Carter, I don’t have a good answer right now,” Jack told her. He pushed the peas aside and met Sam’s eyes. His gaze was unusually soft. “We’ve been through weirder things before. Let’s just roll with it. Don’t over-think.”
“Too bad thinking is kind of my expertise,” Sam sighed.
***
They had pasta carbonara for dinner. Or, as Jack and Henrietta called it, “creamy ham pasta.” It was still too early to send Henrietta to bed, so they decided to watch a movie. Luckily, Sam had a copy of The Lion King stashed away between her Law and Order and CSI DVDs. Henrietta squeezed herself in between Jack and Sam on the two-seater couch, burrowing into Sam’s side like an over-sized cat. Sam put a protective arm around her, holding her close. Jack kept his hands behind his head and his feet on the table.
After all the awkwardness of the last few days, Sam was surprised by how comfortable she was, sitting squished up next to Jack. In fact, she felt calmer than she had felt in a long time. Perhaps it was the inevitable result of so many years serving together. SG1 had literally been to hell and back, and they’d survived it together. After sharing that much, it was natural Sam would be comfortable around her CO. But perhaps there was more to it. Sam felt a strange completeness, curling up on the couch with Jack and Henrietta. She was more than just content, more than just satisfied. She was happy.
Twenty minutes into the film, Simba’s father was killed. No matter how many times Sam watched this film - and it had been quite a few - she always cried when Mufasa died. She tried to keep her breathing steady, but Jack noticed anyway. Black ops training. He didn’t miss much.
“Carter,” he hissed quietly. “Are you crying?”
“No,” Sam squeaked, giving herself away.
The Colonel chuckled under his breath. To Sam’s surprise, he casually let his arm fall around her shoulder and gave her a squeeze. “Ah, I don’t think less of you,” he smiled. “I cried when I saw Bambi.”
Jack left his arm around her for the rest film. Neither of them said anything. They stayed curled up through the credits. It was only when the DVD went back to the main menu that Sam realised it would be strange if they stayed where they were. “I think Henrietta’s asleep,” she whispered. Henrietta was definitely out cold. Her mouth was open and a little path of drool was soaking into Sam’s shirt.
“She’s been asleep since ‘The Circle of Life’,” Jack replied.
“Why did we keep watching then?” Sam asked in return.
Jack smiled at her, his arm still casually resting over her. “It’s a classic.”
It seemed like a flimsy excuse, and something about the light in his eyes told her that wasn’t the only reason. Sam felt her heart starting to speed up again. “By the way, thanks for coming over,” she whispered. She didn’t really know what to say, but she knew if the conversation stopped they would have no excuse to stay curled up on the couch. “You wouldn’t believe the difference it made. She was so upset when you didn’t come home with us.”
“I know,” Jack frowned, his fingers tightening around Sam’s shoulder. He turned to look at Henrietta, wedged soundly asleep between them with her feet under his legs and her head on Sam’s lap. He extended his free arm down to her face and affectionately stroked her nose. “After what happened to Charlie, I didn’t want to have any more kids,” he admitted quietly.
Sam felt her heart jump into her mouth at the sudden change of topic. Jack almost never spoke about his son. And she had always been too afraid to ask, in case she brought up any painful memories.
“I was never an ideal husband,” he admitted. “Being in the military kind of makes it hard to be home for dinner every night. Sara never complained, but I knew it bothered her. So, things weren’t perfect before, but after Charlie…” He sighed, unable to finish his thought. “I wasn’t a perfect husband, and God knows I failed at being a father. So, I figured the only thing I could really do right was be a good soldier.”
Jack had managed to keep his voice level while he spoke, but Sam wasn’t so restrained. Her heart ached for him, reliving his most buried memories. Of course he wouldn‘t show it, but Sam knew it tore him up inside to talk about his son. “Sir, you don’t have to explain,” she told him.
“Yeah, I do,” Jack insisted. “You deserve an explanation.” He squeezed her shoulder again, more firmly this time, as if to convince her of his resolve. “I was afraid. I couldn’t face failing again. I couldn’t lose another kid. One is too many.” He looked down at Henrietta again as she sighed softly in her sleep. “But she’s my second chance,” he admitted quietly. “Something somewhere decided I should have a second chance, and being the idiot I am, I almost didn’t take it. But I promise, I‘m not going to fail again. I‘m not going to lose her.”
Sam felt her eyes sting with tears. How selfish she was, to think his reaction had anything to do with how he felt about her. Of course, he was thinking about Charlie. Henrietta had been a shock for Sam, but she couldn’t begin to imagine what Jack had felt.
There weren’t any words in the English language that Sam could find to take his pain away. There wasn’t anything she could say that would make it better. So, she settled for sliding her hand from around Henrietta’s waist and resting it on Jack’s knee. He moved his free hand to clasp hers, holding it in place.
“So, in short, that’s my excuse for acting like such a jerk,” Jack finished, edging out of his serious tone. “Cross my heart it won’t happen again.”
“Sir, you don’t need an excuse,” Sam assured him. She looked up at his face, and saw, to her surprise, that he was smiling down at her, his eyes sparkling.
Abruptly, Jack got to his feet and turned to face her. He held out his arms. “Well, are you ready?” Sam looked up at his outstretched arms, trying hard to understand what she was supposed to be ready for. “One of us is going to have to carry her to bed,” Jack said, looking pointedly down at the sleeping girl draped across Sam’s lap.
“Oh,” she said. “Oh right, of course.” She shifted Henrietta’s weight off her lap, enough for Jack to get his arms in underneath her. He heaved the limp body into his arms, carefully ensuring her head lolled back against his chest. Jack carried her easily down the hallway to the guest room, with Sam trailing behind.
Henrietta woke up just as he was pulling the covers over her. “Daddy?” she asked groggily. “Where am I?”
“Safe,” he replied. He gently brushed her hair back from her face. “Go back to sleep. Your mom and I will see you in the morning.”
“Mmkay,” Henrietta mumbled, closing her eyes again. “G’night Daddy.”
“G’night Henry,” he said. He looked pointedly at Sam, crouched beside them. It was her turn to speak.
“Oh, um, good night,” she said, feeling strangely self-conscious with Jack watching her spluttering attempts at maternal expression.
Henrietta sighed sleepily. “I love you, Mommy,” she whispered.
Sam cast a quick terrified glance at Jack, who grinned unhelpfully. “I love you too,” she said, finding, to her surprise, that it was true.
They backed out of the room quietly, keeping their voices low as they walked back to the kitchen.
“’Henry?’” Sam whispered incredulously. “What kind of a pet name is that?”
Jack smirked at her, that self-satisfied smile he used when he thought he was being funny. “It’s cute,” he said defensively. “It’s like ‘Sam’.”
“It‘s nothing like ‘Sam‘!” She protested. “It sounds silly.”
“Too bad,” argued Jack. “She’s my kid too, apparently. If you got to name her, I get to nick-name her.”
Sam rolled her eyes. Somehow, she imagined an alternate Sam Carter had had this same discussion with her own Jack O’Neill. “Do you want something to drink?” she asked, opening the kitchen cupboards. “I have coffee. Although, maybe it‘s too late for caffeine.”
Jack ran a hand through his graying hair. “Actually, I better hit the road. Miles to go before I sleep, and all that.”
“Oh, right,” Sam murmured, trying to keep the disappointment out of her voice. Of course he should go, now that Henrietta was asleep. He’d already given up most of his night. Why would he stay any longer? Still, she felt the irrational need to make him stay. “Will you be alright? It’s getting pretty late, and your house is forty minutes away. You can stay the night, if you want.” She looked away in embarrassment, shocked by her own suggestion.
“Spare bed’s taken,” Jack teased. “So, unless I’m bunking with you…”
“Right,” Sam said, blushing furiously. “Well, safe drive home.”
“Thanks,” he replied. He walked quietly to the door, pausing awkwardly at the threshold. Sam felt her chest tighten, both hopeful and apprehensive. Jack sucked in a deep breath, as if stealing up his courage. “Carter, this isn’t going to make things too … weird,” he began hesitantly, “between you and me?”
Jack’s voice was light, attempting nonchalance, but they both knew how close they were to forbidden and unchartered waters. Sam thought she heard a faint thread of something in Jack’s voice - hope, perhaps, or tentative excitement. But at the same time, he stuck to the old line: that it would be “weird” or “strange” or worse “against regulations”, for anything to happen between them.
Neither of them were ready to truly face what they might feel for each other. But how could they possibly avoid those feelings, if they were going to be thrust so closely together? It was a paradox Sam couldn’t answer.
A sudden rush of impulse over-came her, as she remembered Jack’s words only hours before. Neither of them had good answers yet. They would just have to see how things played out. “I don’t know,” Sam replied honestly, “I’m trying not to over-think it.”
Jack grinned, clearly impressed with her answer. “Good,” he said. “Me too.” He pulled his arm up in a casual salute, which Sam mimicked automatically. “Night, Carter,” he said. “Till tomorrow.”
***
Continued in Chapter 3: A Few Awkward Situations
Author: LexKitten
Chapter: Two - Unthinking and Over-thinking
Summary: “Carter, do you ever get the feeling these alternate universes are trying to tell us something?”
Previous Chapters: Prologue, Chapter One
Rating: Teen
A/N: I started out with just a short plan for this chapter, but it somehow snowballed and became much longer than I expected. I just couldn't seem to say this any other way >.< Future chapters won't be so long!
Big thanks as always to my wonderful beta-readers, windsparrow , lilferret and tardisinthesgc for putting up with my whiny chapter worries.
Songs to Listen to: "I Wanna Have Your Babies" by Natasha Bedingfield.
***
“I can’t do this,” Sam said, throwing herself into an infirmary chair in despair. “Janet, what am I doing? I can’t do this. Why aren’t you stopping me?”
The corners of Janet’s mouth twitched, but she managed to fight back her amusement and pretend to look concerned. “You’ll be fine,” she said, for the tenth time that morning.
Henrietta had been kept over-night in the infirmary for observation, according to standard procedure. Sam stayed with her, keeping a dutiful watch over the sleeping girl, until she too fell asleep, curled uncomfortably in the bedside chair. After twelve hours without incident, General Hammond was satisfied that Henrietta posed no immediate threat. He ordered that, provided she was under the supervision of a member of SGC personnel, she no longer needed to be detained. Sam was free to take her home.
Only … now Sam was getting cold feet.
“Can you take my temperature?” Sam asked. Her eyes nervously followed Henrietta who was up and exploring the infirmary, re-dressed in the same white skirt and pink blouse she had been found in. “I’m feeling kind of hot and dizzy, like I might have a fever. Some kind of fever that induces rushing into life-changing decisions.”
Janet rolled her eyes, keeping her focus on the stack of patient files she was supposed to be reviewing.
“I’m serious,” pleaded Sam. “I have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve never been that good with kids. I don’t know how to do this. What am I supposed to do to keep her happy?” She leant her head against the bed beside her, looking up pathetically at her friend.
“Sam, I went through the same panic with Cassie,” Janet assured her. “It’s a natural reaction. Being a parent is daunting. Especially if you’re adopting a child old enough to remember her previous home. And you’re facing this alone, so the responsibility is completely on you.”
Sam looked up at Janet, her eyes wide with panic. “You’re not making me feel a whole lot better,” she confided.
Janet put down her papers and gave Sam a sympathetic smile. “What I’m saying is, I know what you’re going through, and I know it’s going to be fine. Because, you don’t have a choice anymore. That little girl is counting on you. For everything. You can’t let her down.”
Sam exhaled, trying to steady her breathing. Janet was right, of course. Sam couldn’t afford to keep worrying about herself. She had a child to think of now. Henrietta had to come first, which meant she would have to get a hold of herself and start acting like a parent. If she could just stop her stomach from churning, and her palms from sweating…
“Put it back, Henrietta,” Janet scolded suddenly, not taking her eyes off her work.
Sam looked up sharply, spying Henrietta a few beds away crouched low to the ground. “How did you see that?” she asked. “She’s behind you.”
Janet’s eyes sparkled. “Mother’s instinct,” she teased.
“I just wanna know what it is!” Henrietta protested. She scurried out from between the beds, a thin steel rod clasped in one hand, connected via a cord to a hard plastic monitor screen that Henrietta dragged along the floor as she ran.
“It’s not for kids,” Janet replied.
“Well duh,” said Henrietta. “But what does it do?” She waddled over to Sam and held up the steel rod for her inspection.
“It’s a radio-spectral survey meter,” Sam told her. She pulled the box into her hands and flipped the ON switch. The dial lit up with a complex pattern of numbers and letters. “It’s used to measure radiation levels.”
Henrietta beamed at her in wonder. “How does it work?”
Sam frowned, wondering how much she would understand. “Well, do you know what an atom is?”
“The basic unit of matter,” Henrietta replied, rolling her eyes exasperatedly. “You’ve only told me like a million times.”
“Right, of course I have,” Sam said, smiling at herself. Or rather, her alternate-self. “Well, there are normal atoms and radioactive ones. Now, radioactive atoms are usually unstable, so they break down faster. This bit here,” she held up the steel rod, “records how fast atoms are degrading. And the screen tells you what the radiation level is. Here, hold out your arm and I’ll show you.” Henrietta dutifully thrust out her arm. Sam pressed the receptor against her wrist. The dial lit up again, flashing with numbers.
“What does it say?” Henrietta asked excitedly. “Am I radioactive?”
Sam gasped dramatically in mock surprise. “These levels are off the charts! You must be a freaky radioactive mutant with super-powers!”
“Really?” Henrietta gasped.
“No, not really,” Sam laughed, grinning broadly. “It says you’re a normal little girl.”
Henrietta’s face fell briefly, but almost at once she brightened up again. “Can I try it out on something? Please?”
“Only if you promise not to break it,” Sam agreed. “Or your Aunty Janey will be mad with me.”
“I promise,” Henrietta squealed, rushing off to test an IV stand for radiation.
Janet quietly watched the exchange out of the corner of her eye. “She sure takes after you, doesn’t she?” she noted.
Sam grinned, feeling a strange sense of flattery and pride. “You think so?”
Janet raised her eyebrows. “I’ve never seen a four year old that interested in radio-chemistry. I don’t think she gets that from her father.”
Sam laughed, suddenly picturing Jack in a laboratory, with a pair of big round glasses like Daniel’s, pouring over radio-metric read outs. That really would have to be an alternate universe. Her smile faded as her thoughts turned to the last time she had seen the Colonel, turning his back on her outside the infirmary. Sam tried reason that his decision had nothing to do with how he may or may not feel about her. But no matter what she told herself, the memory still left her with the numbing cold of rejection.
“Oh, Sam, I’m sorry,” said Janet, realising where Sam’s thoughts had gone. “Colonel O’Neill hasn’t changed his mind?”
“No, no. Why would he?” Sam asked, trying to keep her voice light. “I volunteered to look after her. Why would he want…I mean, it’s not like he’s really…he and I never…it’s better like this. I can take of her myself.” Sam tried smile convincingly.
“Sam,” Janet began delicately, “you know, if you want to talk…”
“It’s fine,” Sam interrupted. “There’s nothing to talk about.” Even with Janet, Sam felt like she had to stick to the old line. There was nothing to talk about, nothing to act on, and nothing at all between Sam and her commanding officer. Just how it should be.
There was suddenly a loud commotion at the door to the infirmary as Daniel and Teal’c
barreled in, throwing confetti and blowing party blowers. “Congratulations!” Daniel shouted enthusiastically.
“Shal’tuk,” Teal’c said, nodding solemnly at Sam with a party blower between his teeth like a cigar.
“It‘s about time you got here,” Janet muttered.
“What’s going on?” Sam asked in confusion, looking from the confetti covered Daniel and Teal’c, to the knowingly smirking Janet.
“We’re throwing you a baby-shower, of sorts,” Daniel explained, entering the infirmary proper trailing in a bundle of pink helium balloons adorned with ‘It’s a girl!’. Sam noticed they both had bulky pink packages under their arms, as well as a surprisingly large stock of confetti.
“A Party?” Henrietta cried in excitement, abandoning her new toy and running to meet Daniel and Teal’c. She grabbed a hold of Daniel’s arm, pulling herself off the ground and swinging on him like he was a tree-branch. “Uncle Danny, are there presents for me?”
Daniel heaved her off the ground, hoisting her onto his hip and carrying her over to the bed beside Janet and Sam. “Actually, yes, there are presents for you,” he said, earning a squeal of delight from Henrietta.
“Where did all this come from?” Sam asked.
“There is an entire shop devoted to celebratory wares,” Teal’c explained. “It was a veritable maze. We were lucky to escape with our lives.”
“We went into town this morning,” Daniel clarified. “To the party shop.”
“Guys, you shouldn’t have,” Sam said, blushing furiously.
Teal’c frowned, tilting his head to the side. “Daniel Jackson informed me that such celebrations are customary among the Tau’ri. Have we done something incorrectly?”
“No,” Sam laughed, grinning at Teal’c’s confusion. “‘You shouldn’t have’ is a saying, it means…well, it actually means thank you. So, thank you guys. This is really…sweet and embarrassing.”
“Exactly what I was going for,” Daniel grinned. “Any excuse to be embarrassing. And to take Teal’c out in public. Intimidating shop assistants really never gets old.”
“Presents,” Henrietta whined, tugging at Daniel’s hand. “Uncle Danny, you said there were presents for me.”
“Henrietta, say please,” Sam chided her automatically. “Or you won’t get anything.”
Janet smiled slyly at Sam. “See, you’re picking it up. You sound like a real mom already.” Sam flushed, realising she was right.
“Please, please, please,” Henrietta squeaked, wringing Daniel’s hand again. Daniel hurriedly extracted the bulky parcel from under his arm and tossed it into Henrietta’s waiting hands. She tore off the paper to reveal a ball of white fluff somewhat resembling a soft toy dog. She clutched it happily to her chest.
“Child, I also have a gift for you,” Teal’c said, holding out his own haphazardly covered package. Henrietta took it excitedly and tore off the wrapping paper. It appeared to be a rather large water-gun, only the ammunition barrel was full of jellybeans. “It is a model projectile weapon that fires sweet food-stuffs,” Teal’c explained, smiling proudly at Sam. “It has been my experience that human children enjoy toy weapons, and also sweets.”
“Wow,” Henrietta breathed, staring at the toy in awe. She aimed it at Teal’c and fired off a jelly-bean, which hit him in the temple and bounced harmlessly to the floor. “This is awesome!”
“Indeed,” Teal’c agreed with a frown.
Sam felt her heart swell with happiness. There was nothing like a badly organized party to remind a girl how much she was loved. Surrounded as she was by her friends’ smiles, Sam could almost forget the one person who was missing. Almost. “Thanks guys,” she said, looking first at Janet, then Teal’c and finally Daniel, knowing this would have been his idea. “I really appreciate it.”
“So do I,” Henrietta added eagerly. “I really ’preciate this gun Uncle T.”
“Oh yeah, I’m sure your mom does too,” Janet said, rolling her eyes. But she gave Henrietta’s hair an affectionate ruffle.
“Congratulations on your new child, Samantha Carter,” Teal’c said, with a smile and a slow nod.
“Yeah, you’re going to do great,” Daniel assured her.
“I hope you’re right,” Sam replied nervously, not at all sharing Daniel’s confidence, but grateful for it anyway.
“And Sam, whatever you need, we’re here for you,” Daniel offered, his eyes brimming with that heartfelt sincerity that was so characteristically Daniel. “You know that, right? We’re always happy to help.”
“Indeed,” Teal’c seconded.
“Absolutely,” Janet agreed.
Sam felt like she could have thrown her arms around all three of them at once. Her heart swelled with love and gratitude, the magnitude threatening to snap her ribs. “I know,” she whispered. She was still scared as hell, but at least now she knew she wasn’t alone.
As if on cue, Henrietta pounced on Sam, throwing her arms around her neck. “Mommy, can we go home now?” she whined.
Sam looked down into Henrietta’s eyes, taking in the full effect of her entirely dependent, innocent gaze. She slid her arms around the child’s waist, holding her little body close. “I’m ready if you are,” she told her.
***
Jack slouched back in his chair, his feet up on his desk, slamming a rubber ball against the wall. With SG1 officially in stand-down mode, he was fresh out of things to do. His paper-work was surprisingly up to date, with not a single outstanding mission report. The General had suggested he should head home and “enjoy his time off,” with the not so subtle hint that killing time in his office wasn’t an enjoyable thing to do. But for once, Jack was in no hurry to leave the SGC. So long as he stayed at the base, he felt like he was still on duty, which meant keeping his thoughts focused on military matters and away from all the niggling emotional turmoil stuff that was otherwise threatening to suffocate his head.
So, instead of clocking out and making use of some of his very rare leave-time, Jack chose to stay in his office and attempt to break his all time wall-ball-bounce record. Given the time he’d had to set this record in the months he and Teal’c had been trapped in a time-loop, it was no small task. There would be hours of time-wasting in this project.
He was just verging on three hundred when a sudden rap on the door jolted him out of his focused trance. His eyes cut to the door, just in time to miss the rubber ball rebounding off the wall and smashing into the side of his head. “Damnit, what?” he cried in exasperation.
“Uh, bad time?” Daniel asked, poking his head around the door.
“Argh, you threw me off,” he scowled. “I was trying to break my wall bouncing record.”
“Good, you’re not busy,” Daniel said, inviting himself into the office and taking the chair opposite Jack.
“Actually, yes I am,” Jack argued, scrabbling together a pile of disheveled papers that were spread all over his desk. “I’m reviewing my mission reports…for inaccuracies. Important busy stuff Daniel. Can’t be disturbed.”
“Really,” Daniel asked, pursing his lips and raising an eyebrow. “And when have you ever taken the time to review your mission reports before now?”
“Well, never,” Jack conceded. “So you can imagine how many I have to read through.”
“Uh-huh,” Daniel said, not buying it for a minute. He leaned back in the chair, making a show of looking casual and nonchalant. “You missed seeing Sam off this morning,” he said lightly, looking vaguely away past Jack’s head.
“Really, darn,” Jack replied, equally avoiding Daniel’s eyes by staring down at his shoes. “Ah well, I’ll see her when she gets back.”
“I’m sure she would have liked to see you,” Daniel said.
Jack frowned to himself, remembering the blank look in her eyes as he left her a mere half a day before. “Huh, I doubt that,” he muttered, more to himself than to Daniel.
“Yeah, I got the gist of your conversation with her from Janet,” Daniel advised. “Which is of course, why I’m here. Jack, I think you’re making a big mistake.”
Damn Daniel and his nosiness. He knew very well this was exactly the topic that Jack didn’t want to talk about. Well, Jack definitely wasn’t going to give him any help. “Hmmm,” he replied, the non-committal noise his only response.
Daniel sighed, leaning forward in his chair and resting his elbows on the desk between them. “Jack, we have to talk about this…”
“Where I come from, Daniel, men don’t talk about their feelings,” Jack replied, leaning back in his chair. “We prefer to bottle things up and suffer in silence. Much more manly.”
“And I’m sure that’s a very healthy way of dealing with your issues,” Daniel agreed sarcastically. “Unfortunately for you, I’m not going to leave you alone till you talk to me, so if you want to get this over with, you might as well open up.”
Jack shrugged, lifting up his hands in a gesture of innocence. “Nothing to talk about,” he told the nosy man. “Another day, another weird thing happens. That’s Stargate Command for you.”
“Don’t pretend this is like any other weird alien mishap,” Daniel argued. “This is your child, Jack. Y’know, Sam wasn’t really expecting this either, but at least she’s trying to deal with it.”
“What do you want me to do?” Jack grumbled, scowling at the wall. “Go home with Carter and play happy families with our shiny new kid? I can’t Daniel. We can’t do that.” They were getting dangerously close to a conversation Jack didn’t want to have. But Daniel never did know when to keep his nose out.
“Jack, if this is about how you feel about Sam…” Daniel began. Jack snapped his head around to meet Daniel’s eyes, giving him a glare that clearly told him they were not going to have this discussion. Jack had a line - a big red line that Daniel was well aware of - and talking about how he may or may not feel about his second in command was definitely crossing it. Daniel met his eyes and glared right back, un-intimidated. “If this is about how you feel about Sam,” he continued, “it shouldn’t be.”
Jack rolled his eyes, but his interest was piqued. “What’s it about then?” he grudgingly asked.
“Her,” Daniel answered, unmistakably meaning Henrietta. “She’s just a kid, Jack. She’s been thrust into this world on her own, running from God knows what, and you and Sam are all she knows. She needs her father, Jack.”
The words burnt into Jack’s chest like acid, tearing through his clothes, his skin, his bones, driving straight to the heart. They burnt through every barrier of logic, reason and protocol Jack had carefully erected to keep them away. They were the inevitable conclusion Jack had tried to block out, because he knew as soon as that conclusion reached his heart it would come up against the reason Jack was so damned scared of that harmless little kid. It would crash right into the fears and memories Jack kept so tightly locked inside his chest. Charlie. And crash they did.
“I’ve been a father before,” Jack said quietly, dropping his gaze to stare intently at his fists, clenched in his lap. “Maybe it’s ancient history to you, but I can’t forget, Daniel.”
“Jack, of course I didn’t forget,” Daniel replied just as quietly, wounded by Jack’s accusation. “I know you still feel guilty about what happened to Charlie. Maybe nothing can take that away. But you were a great father.”
“Oh yeah, real great,” Jack sneered, feeling the anger and self-hatred boiling up inside of him again.
“Jack,” Daniel lent forward, his voice desperate. “This is your second chance. Nothing can bring Charlie back. But Henrietta’s here now. If you don’t take this chance, you’ll be losing another child.”
Jack let the words sink in, unable to reply. His mind swam with images of Charlie. But they weren’t the memories he feared. Not the cold skin, the lifeless body, the vacant eyes. Instead, Jack remembered him laughing, and crying, smiling and throwing tantrums. He remembered his son being utterly and vibrantly alive. Just like a child should be.
***
“Please honey,” Sam begged the lounge room curtains. “Please come out.”
The floor length blue curtains quivered a little and shouted “No!”
“But I have to make dinner now,” Sam pleaded. “I don’t know what you want. Come out and have a look in the kitchen with me.”
It was Henrietta’s third tantrum since they’d come home that morning. After the first tantrum, she had sulked in her room for an hour until Sam coaxed her out with a bowl of goldfish crackers for lunch. Things stayed quiet while they ate. Probably because Henrietta couldn’t cry and stuff crackers into her mouth at the same time. But once lunch was over, Henrietta remembered she had nothing to play with. Sam didn’t have a single game in the house; her computer didn’t even have solitaire. So, tantrum number two lasted until Sam remembered she had cable and put on the cartoon channel. Which, somehow, brought them to tantrum number three.
It was the same every time. Some little thing would set her off, and suddenly she’d be bawling her eyes out and complaining that she wanted her toys, she wanted her room, and most of all she wanted her dad. Janet had warned that there would be tantrums. Children needed the stability of their home, their toys and their parents to ground them, and Henrietta had suddenly lost most of them. But Sam hadn’t expected the ferocity of Henrietta’s tears, or how frequently she would demand Jack.
“I’m never coming out,” Henrietta declared.
“You’re gonna get pretty hungry then,” Sam teased. The curtains didn’t laugh. She heard the dull thud of something bumping against glass. Henrietta was slamming her head against the window. “Henrietta please,” Sam shuffled forward on her knees until her nose was almost against the curtain. “If you come out, I’ll get you a present,” Sam said desperately. “Anything you want.”
“Daddy!” Henrietta shrieked.
“No, no, honey, I can’t,” Sam spluttered, but Henrietta’s cries cut her off.
“Daddy’s home! Daddy’s home!” She dashed out from behind the curtain nearly bowling Sam over in her haste to get to the door.
Sam lunged forward and threw back the curtains, just in time to see Colonel O’Neill stepping up to her front door. The doorbell rang. “Oh Holy Hannah…” Sam breathed. She stood paralyzed at the window, heart thumping in her chest. Jack rang the doorbell again. He looked around and spied Sam gawking at him from the window. He waved.
“Mommy!” Henrietta wailed. “Open the door!”
Sam stumbled into the hall. She pulled up short in front of the door and tried to catch her breath. Her heart was still thumping against her ribs. Henrietta looked up at her, arching her eyebrows. “Right, here goes,” Sam said. She opened the door. “Colonel, what a…”
“Daddy!” Henrietta rushed forward and threw herself at Jack. Sam tried to catch her in time but, to her surprise, Jack had already scooped Henrietta up into his arms.
“Hey kiddo. Nice welcoming committee,” Jack grinned. He hoisted Henrietta onto his hip and carried her past Sam back into the house. Henrietta wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face in his jacket. To Sam’s continued amazement, Jack didn’t seem uncomfortable in the slightest. In fact, he looked kind of pleased.
“Sir…” Sam began. She didn’t know how to continue. Her thoughts raced from the memory of his cold empty eyes outside the infirmary, to his soft smile as he held their child in his arms. “What are you doing here?” she managed to stutter.
“I thought you might like a hand wrangling this one,” he said, ruffling Henrietta’s hair. Henrietta squeaked with delight and clung tighter to his neck. Jack met Sam’s eyes, and his look promised a proper answer later. Of course, Sam thought, they couldn’t really talk with Henrietta there.
“You couldn’t have come at a better time,” Sam admitted.
“Have you been naughty, little missy?” Jack asked Henrietta.
“No,” she answered vehemently. “Not even a little.”
“Lies,” Jack boomed. He suddenly flipped Henrietta upside-down, holding her up by the ankle. Her white skirt flew downwards, half covering her face. She was suspended at least three feet above the ground.
“Sir!” Sam cried, rushing forward in alarm. “Be careful with her.”
Jack swung Henrietta out of her reach, smirking at them both. “Don’t worry, I’ve got her,” he said.
Henrietta shrieked in delight. “Ok, ok, I was a little bit naughty.” She giggled. “Please don’t punish me!”
“Punish you? Jack asked. “Oh, I’m going to do worse than that.” He fought to hide a grin, as Henrietta squirmed, upside down, in terror. Sam watched in awed confusion. “Major, what do we do with naughty girls?” Jack asked.
“Um, I don’t know, Sir,” Sam stumbled. She smiled sheepishly. “Actually, I think I promised her a present.”
Jack rolled his eyes. “A present? I don’t think so. I think naughty girls get thrown in jail!”
“No! Please daddy,” Henrietta begged. “It wasn’t my fault. Mommy wouldn’t give me any toys to play with.”
“Toys?” scoffed Jack. “Ho ho, there won’t be any toys where you’re going!” He threw her over his shoulder and made a dramatic show of marching slowly towards the door.
“No daddy, don’t! I’ll do anything you want!” Henrietta pleaded.
Jack stopped stock still, as if considering. “Well… alright. I’ll let you go free,” he agreed. “On one condition.”
“Anything!” Henrietta declared emphatically.
“From now on, you have to do everything your mom says, ok?” Sam felt her heart skip as she realised by “mom” he meant her. “And you have to have a bath before dinner,” Jack added, sniffing Henrietta’s feet. “You stink.”
“That’s two conditions,” Henrietta pointed out.
Jack grabbed her by the ankles again and held her out at arm’s length. “So, you’d rather go to jail?”
“No, no,” she said quickly. “I’ll have a bath.”
“That’s better,” Jack said. He looked at Sam, raising his eyebrows. “Towels, Carter?”
“Hall cupboard, Sir,” she replied automatically, still in shock.
Jack gave her a half salute, and proceeded to carry Henrietta off to the bathroom.
Sam stood rooted to the spot. She felt strangely dizzy - things were moving too fast to process what was going on. She tried to lay the events out in her mind like steps in an equation, hoping to find a logical conclusion. Yesterday the Colonel had told her out-right that he didn’t want anything to do with Henrietta. Today, he was tossing her over his shoulder and giving her a bath. Had he changed his mind?
Not that Sam wasn’t pleased. In fact, she was too pleased. Soft warmth had started in her stomach as she watched Jack and Henrietta play, and it was starting to spread out all over her. She tried to block out the thoughts about what their alternate lives must be like, in a world where Henrietta really was their daughter, and Jack would come home like this every night, take his daughter in his arms and kiss his wife hello….
No. She couldn’t think like that. It was beyond ridiculous. Now, more than ever, she had to keep herself in check, and focused on the task at hand.
“You don’t have bubble-bath,” Jack said, returning to the lounge room. “Strange. I always imagined you as the bubble-bath type.”
Sam flushed red. Did the Colonel really just say he had imagined her bathing? “I shower, Sir,” she said curtly.
“Right,” Jack replied, suddenly looking uncomfortable as well, his eyes not meeting hers. “Dinner?” He invited himself into the kitchen, and began rummaging through the cupboards for kid-friendly ingredients, picking out pasta and a bag of frozen peas. The sudden domesticity was too much for Sam.
“Sir, I’m a little confused,” She began bravely. “I thought after yesterday….” She trailed off uncomfortably, not wanting a repeat of the awkward discussion outside the infirmary.
Jack set down the peas, which he had been preparing to pour into a bowl, and sighed. “Yeah about that,” he started, his eyes still fixed on the peas. “I was a real jerk yesterday. Feel free to tell me where to stick it.”
“I wasn’t thinking ‘jerk’,” Sam assured him. Her heart was starting to speed up in her chest again, though just what she was hoping to hear, she couldn’t say. “I mean, you had your reasons.”
“Maybe, but they were stupid reasons. You shouldn’t have to do this on your own,” Jack said quietly. “I won’t let you.”
“What is exactly does that mean, Sir?” Sam asked. “If we’re assuming that her real parents are never coming back for her…I’m going to have to be her legal guardian. It’s not like you and I can have…well, joint custody.”
“Tonight, it means I’m going to make dinner, give her a bath, and put her to bed,” Jack answered. “We’ll work out the rest tomorrow.”
“But, Sir…” Sam began.
“Carter, I don’t have a good answer right now,” Jack told her. He pushed the peas aside and met Sam’s eyes. His gaze was unusually soft. “We’ve been through weirder things before. Let’s just roll with it. Don’t over-think.”
“Too bad thinking is kind of my expertise,” Sam sighed.
***
They had pasta carbonara for dinner. Or, as Jack and Henrietta called it, “creamy ham pasta.” It was still too early to send Henrietta to bed, so they decided to watch a movie. Luckily, Sam had a copy of The Lion King stashed away between her Law and Order and CSI DVDs. Henrietta squeezed herself in between Jack and Sam on the two-seater couch, burrowing into Sam’s side like an over-sized cat. Sam put a protective arm around her, holding her close. Jack kept his hands behind his head and his feet on the table.
After all the awkwardness of the last few days, Sam was surprised by how comfortable she was, sitting squished up next to Jack. In fact, she felt calmer than she had felt in a long time. Perhaps it was the inevitable result of so many years serving together. SG1 had literally been to hell and back, and they’d survived it together. After sharing that much, it was natural Sam would be comfortable around her CO. But perhaps there was more to it. Sam felt a strange completeness, curling up on the couch with Jack and Henrietta. She was more than just content, more than just satisfied. She was happy.
Twenty minutes into the film, Simba’s father was killed. No matter how many times Sam watched this film - and it had been quite a few - she always cried when Mufasa died. She tried to keep her breathing steady, but Jack noticed anyway. Black ops training. He didn’t miss much.
“Carter,” he hissed quietly. “Are you crying?”
“No,” Sam squeaked, giving herself away.
The Colonel chuckled under his breath. To Sam’s surprise, he casually let his arm fall around her shoulder and gave her a squeeze. “Ah, I don’t think less of you,” he smiled. “I cried when I saw Bambi.”
Jack left his arm around her for the rest film. Neither of them said anything. They stayed curled up through the credits. It was only when the DVD went back to the main menu that Sam realised it would be strange if they stayed where they were. “I think Henrietta’s asleep,” she whispered. Henrietta was definitely out cold. Her mouth was open and a little path of drool was soaking into Sam’s shirt.
“She’s been asleep since ‘The Circle of Life’,” Jack replied.
“Why did we keep watching then?” Sam asked in return.
Jack smiled at her, his arm still casually resting over her. “It’s a classic.”
It seemed like a flimsy excuse, and something about the light in his eyes told her that wasn’t the only reason. Sam felt her heart starting to speed up again. “By the way, thanks for coming over,” she whispered. She didn’t really know what to say, but she knew if the conversation stopped they would have no excuse to stay curled up on the couch. “You wouldn’t believe the difference it made. She was so upset when you didn’t come home with us.”
“I know,” Jack frowned, his fingers tightening around Sam’s shoulder. He turned to look at Henrietta, wedged soundly asleep between them with her feet under his legs and her head on Sam’s lap. He extended his free arm down to her face and affectionately stroked her nose. “After what happened to Charlie, I didn’t want to have any more kids,” he admitted quietly.
Sam felt her heart jump into her mouth at the sudden change of topic. Jack almost never spoke about his son. And she had always been too afraid to ask, in case she brought up any painful memories.
“I was never an ideal husband,” he admitted. “Being in the military kind of makes it hard to be home for dinner every night. Sara never complained, but I knew it bothered her. So, things weren’t perfect before, but after Charlie…” He sighed, unable to finish his thought. “I wasn’t a perfect husband, and God knows I failed at being a father. So, I figured the only thing I could really do right was be a good soldier.”
Jack had managed to keep his voice level while he spoke, but Sam wasn’t so restrained. Her heart ached for him, reliving his most buried memories. Of course he wouldn‘t show it, but Sam knew it tore him up inside to talk about his son. “Sir, you don’t have to explain,” she told him.
“Yeah, I do,” Jack insisted. “You deserve an explanation.” He squeezed her shoulder again, more firmly this time, as if to convince her of his resolve. “I was afraid. I couldn’t face failing again. I couldn’t lose another kid. One is too many.” He looked down at Henrietta again as she sighed softly in her sleep. “But she’s my second chance,” he admitted quietly. “Something somewhere decided I should have a second chance, and being the idiot I am, I almost didn’t take it. But I promise, I‘m not going to fail again. I‘m not going to lose her.”
Sam felt her eyes sting with tears. How selfish she was, to think his reaction had anything to do with how he felt about her. Of course, he was thinking about Charlie. Henrietta had been a shock for Sam, but she couldn’t begin to imagine what Jack had felt.
There weren’t any words in the English language that Sam could find to take his pain away. There wasn’t anything she could say that would make it better. So, she settled for sliding her hand from around Henrietta’s waist and resting it on Jack’s knee. He moved his free hand to clasp hers, holding it in place.
“So, in short, that’s my excuse for acting like such a jerk,” Jack finished, edging out of his serious tone. “Cross my heart it won’t happen again.”
“Sir, you don’t need an excuse,” Sam assured him. She looked up at his face, and saw, to her surprise, that he was smiling down at her, his eyes sparkling.
Abruptly, Jack got to his feet and turned to face her. He held out his arms. “Well, are you ready?” Sam looked up at his outstretched arms, trying hard to understand what she was supposed to be ready for. “One of us is going to have to carry her to bed,” Jack said, looking pointedly down at the sleeping girl draped across Sam’s lap.
“Oh,” she said. “Oh right, of course.” She shifted Henrietta’s weight off her lap, enough for Jack to get his arms in underneath her. He heaved the limp body into his arms, carefully ensuring her head lolled back against his chest. Jack carried her easily down the hallway to the guest room, with Sam trailing behind.
Henrietta woke up just as he was pulling the covers over her. “Daddy?” she asked groggily. “Where am I?”
“Safe,” he replied. He gently brushed her hair back from her face. “Go back to sleep. Your mom and I will see you in the morning.”
“Mmkay,” Henrietta mumbled, closing her eyes again. “G’night Daddy.”
“G’night Henry,” he said. He looked pointedly at Sam, crouched beside them. It was her turn to speak.
“Oh, um, good night,” she said, feeling strangely self-conscious with Jack watching her spluttering attempts at maternal expression.
Henrietta sighed sleepily. “I love you, Mommy,” she whispered.
Sam cast a quick terrified glance at Jack, who grinned unhelpfully. “I love you too,” she said, finding, to her surprise, that it was true.
They backed out of the room quietly, keeping their voices low as they walked back to the kitchen.
“’Henry?’” Sam whispered incredulously. “What kind of a pet name is that?”
Jack smirked at her, that self-satisfied smile he used when he thought he was being funny. “It’s cute,” he said defensively. “It’s like ‘Sam’.”
“It‘s nothing like ‘Sam‘!” She protested. “It sounds silly.”
“Too bad,” argued Jack. “She’s my kid too, apparently. If you got to name her, I get to nick-name her.”
Sam rolled her eyes. Somehow, she imagined an alternate Sam Carter had had this same discussion with her own Jack O’Neill. “Do you want something to drink?” she asked, opening the kitchen cupboards. “I have coffee. Although, maybe it‘s too late for caffeine.”
Jack ran a hand through his graying hair. “Actually, I better hit the road. Miles to go before I sleep, and all that.”
“Oh, right,” Sam murmured, trying to keep the disappointment out of her voice. Of course he should go, now that Henrietta was asleep. He’d already given up most of his night. Why would he stay any longer? Still, she felt the irrational need to make him stay. “Will you be alright? It’s getting pretty late, and your house is forty minutes away. You can stay the night, if you want.” She looked away in embarrassment, shocked by her own suggestion.
“Spare bed’s taken,” Jack teased. “So, unless I’m bunking with you…”
“Right,” Sam said, blushing furiously. “Well, safe drive home.”
“Thanks,” he replied. He walked quietly to the door, pausing awkwardly at the threshold. Sam felt her chest tighten, both hopeful and apprehensive. Jack sucked in a deep breath, as if stealing up his courage. “Carter, this isn’t going to make things too … weird,” he began hesitantly, “between you and me?”
Jack’s voice was light, attempting nonchalance, but they both knew how close they were to forbidden and unchartered waters. Sam thought she heard a faint thread of something in Jack’s voice - hope, perhaps, or tentative excitement. But at the same time, he stuck to the old line: that it would be “weird” or “strange” or worse “against regulations”, for anything to happen between them.
Neither of them were ready to truly face what they might feel for each other. But how could they possibly avoid those feelings, if they were going to be thrust so closely together? It was a paradox Sam couldn’t answer.
A sudden rush of impulse over-came her, as she remembered Jack’s words only hours before. Neither of them had good answers yet. They would just have to see how things played out. “I don’t know,” Sam replied honestly, “I’m trying not to over-think it.”
Jack grinned, clearly impressed with her answer. “Good,” he said. “Me too.” He pulled his arm up in a casual salute, which Sam mimicked automatically. “Night, Carter,” he said. “Till tomorrow.”
***
Continued in Chapter 3: A Few Awkward Situations