A Sad Goodbye
Well, it's done. I said goodbye to one of the most important people in my life. I HONESTLY thought that it would be okay since we did the whole goodbye hug AGES ago. I was wrong.
I steeled myself up for it this morning. Standing in the bedroom, about to bring my bags downstairs. I let myself get excited for her and thought of how much fun we'll have when I visit. I went downstairs and her mom was like, "How you holdin up?" And I HONESTLY answered "I'm great! This is going to be fine. She's going to have so much fun and we'll talk all the time!" But then, when it came time for the real moment (I'm gettin teary eyed again!) she was like, "looks like you're going to be the striong one." And I thought of all the times over the past two years when she has been the strong one for me,. When I have needed so much and she has been there unquestioning and neever asking anything in return. and i lostit.
like i am now.
pausing. can't type or answer phones while crying.
okay. *deep breath* so we hugged. and i continued my tear fest, thinking, when is the next time I am going to get a real, honest, heartfelt, healing hug like this? Praying that it wouldn't be too long and that I will be able to get by without them. We talked for a bit, and then I drove aaway. all along the roads t work people were staring at me as I cried. They were probably thinking someone died. but really, its sort of like that since she has a tumor in the shape of texas. haha
seriously though, I guess I am just wondering if all my happiness is going to move away. I moved away from freedom. Katie went to Boston. Melisa went to Texas. (WOW THAT FELT WEIRD. I am used to saying "Melisa is going to Texas" but no... she WENT. *deep breath*) I just wonder if I am ever going to find friends like these again. Will I find real people who understand me? The kind who don't have to talk to you to know what you are thinking. Who don't have to say anything but can make you feel better in an instant. The ones who hav seen the best and worst of you and love you wholly. I'm truly afraid that these people are few and far between and the opnly two I have met in my whole life have moved to distant places to begin new wnderful new li ves. and here i am stuck, without them, in the same place i was four years ago. with the prospect of never being happy again.
I know that's stupid. I KNOW I will find people and happiness and freedom. I am just worried that it won't be anything nearly as great or true as it is with Katie and Melisa. I went to a movie last night. MUST LOVE DOGS. It was good. one of the things the main character's father said about love was the he had found his true love. That once in a lifetime soul mate, and nothing will ever come close to matching that. And I wonder... is it over for me? Have I foudn those true, once in a lifetime friends? I know that part is true. I am POSITIVE that there is no one in the world like these amazing women. I know that nothing will ever compare to the friendships we've built. But does that mean it has to be over?
I think about my mom and her "true once in a lifetime friends". I worry... Are Katie and Melisa and I going to become those twice a year phone call, birthday card, presents for each other's children at Christmas, "old college buddies"? I guess that's better than not being in each other's lives. But I AM NOT READY FOR THAT YET.
DID YOU HEAR ME, GIRLS?
I
AM
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT
READY
TO
BE
YOUR
OLD
COLLEGE
BUDDY
YET!!!!!!
Don't write me out of the script too soon, okay?
*sigh* this whole day makes me really glad that I missed the "last hug" with Katie. As much as I would have liked to be able to remember it... I AM AN EMOTIONAL WRECK. My boss just walked in and goes... "you okay?" I was like, yeah... my friend moved away today. He laughed at me.
I feel like I am in one of those story books for little kids. you know... SUSIE MOVES AWAY. And you read about how little Janey is losing her best friend and how mom tells her, "It'll be okay, Janey. You and Susie can visit each other on vacations, and you can write to each other and call on the phone." And Janey is comforted.
WELL I AM NOT COMFORTED. I want Melisa back now. I want Katie back now. I want to lock them in my basement and keep them there forever so whenever I need them I can just go downstairs and have a hug, or a laugh, or a shoulder to lean on. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LEAN ON A SHOULDER THAT IS BAZILLIONS OF MILES AWAY!?
*deep breath*
Alright guys. We've been through denial (telling myself I'd be fine before saying goodbye). Through grief (crying when I left). and now through anger (do I have to point that one out?). RIGHT NOW I NEED MELISA TO TELL ME WHAT OTHER PSYCHOLOGICAL THINGS I SHOULD BE WAITING ON, BUT SHE IS ON HER WAY TO TEXAS. oohh... apparently we are still in anger mode. hahaha
ok... seriously... maybe I should do some work.
I steeled myself up for it this morning. Standing in the bedroom, about to bring my bags downstairs. I let myself get excited for her and thought of how much fun we'll have when I visit. I went downstairs and her mom was like, "How you holdin up?" And I HONESTLY answered "I'm great! This is going to be fine. She's going to have so much fun and we'll talk all the time!" But then, when it came time for the real moment (I'm gettin teary eyed again!) she was like, "looks like you're going to be the striong one." And I thought of all the times over the past two years when she has been the strong one for me,. When I have needed so much and she has been there unquestioning and neever asking anything in return. and i lostit.
like i am now.
pausing. can't type or answer phones while crying.
okay. *deep breath* so we hugged. and i continued my tear fest, thinking, when is the next time I am going to get a real, honest, heartfelt, healing hug like this? Praying that it wouldn't be too long and that I will be able to get by without them. We talked for a bit, and then I drove aaway. all along the roads t work people were staring at me as I cried. They were probably thinking someone died. but really, its sort of like that since she has a tumor in the shape of texas. haha
seriously though, I guess I am just wondering if all my happiness is going to move away. I moved away from freedom. Katie went to Boston. Melisa went to Texas. (WOW THAT FELT WEIRD. I am used to saying "Melisa is going to Texas" but no... she WENT. *deep breath*) I just wonder if I am ever going to find friends like these again. Will I find real people who understand me? The kind who don't have to talk to you to know what you are thinking. Who don't have to say anything but can make you feel better in an instant. The ones who hav seen the best and worst of you and love you wholly. I'm truly afraid that these people are few and far between and the opnly two I have met in my whole life have moved to distant places to begin new wnderful new li ves. and here i am stuck, without them, in the same place i was four years ago. with the prospect of never being happy again.
I know that's stupid. I KNOW I will find people and happiness and freedom. I am just worried that it won't be anything nearly as great or true as it is with Katie and Melisa. I went to a movie last night. MUST LOVE DOGS. It was good. one of the things the main character's father said about love was the he had found his true love. That once in a lifetime soul mate, and nothing will ever come close to matching that. And I wonder... is it over for me? Have I foudn those true, once in a lifetime friends? I know that part is true. I am POSITIVE that there is no one in the world like these amazing women. I know that nothing will ever compare to the friendships we've built. But does that mean it has to be over?
I think about my mom and her "true once in a lifetime friends". I worry... Are Katie and Melisa and I going to become those twice a year phone call, birthday card, presents for each other's children at Christmas, "old college buddies"? I guess that's better than not being in each other's lives. But I AM NOT READY FOR THAT YET.
DID YOU HEAR ME, GIRLS?
I
AM
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT
READY
TO
BE
YOUR
OLD
COLLEGE
BUDDY
YET!!!!!!
Don't write me out of the script too soon, okay?
*sigh* this whole day makes me really glad that I missed the "last hug" with Katie. As much as I would have liked to be able to remember it... I AM AN EMOTIONAL WRECK. My boss just walked in and goes... "you okay?" I was like, yeah... my friend moved away today. He laughed at me.
I feel like I am in one of those story books for little kids. you know... SUSIE MOVES AWAY. And you read about how little Janey is losing her best friend and how mom tells her, "It'll be okay, Janey. You and Susie can visit each other on vacations, and you can write to each other and call on the phone." And Janey is comforted.
WELL I AM NOT COMFORTED. I want Melisa back now. I want Katie back now. I want to lock them in my basement and keep them there forever so whenever I need them I can just go downstairs and have a hug, or a laugh, or a shoulder to lean on. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LEAN ON A SHOULDER THAT IS BAZILLIONS OF MILES AWAY!?
*deep breath*
Alright guys. We've been through denial (telling myself I'd be fine before saying goodbye). Through grief (crying when I left). and now through anger (do I have to point that one out?). RIGHT NOW I NEED MELISA TO TELL ME WHAT OTHER PSYCHOLOGICAL THINGS I SHOULD BE WAITING ON, BUT SHE IS ON HER WAY TO TEXAS. oohh... apparently we are still in anger mode. hahaha
ok... seriously... maybe I should do some work.