(no subject)
WEll Ive been going out every night since the dreadful sad day when I ended my friendship with Joe (for now) including that night. Ive been trying to stay as busy as I can, but even staying really busy and going out with friends doesnt stop those little battles I get within myself to avoid temptation of calling him because I miss him so much. Its like an addiction, or a habit.... well cold turkey sucks. I hope there was enough substance between us to make him want to come back one of these days. I really do....
Here are my days.
Wednesday...I felt kinda good on wednesday after seeing joe. it was like a release of emotions, truth, honesty. If I remember correctly, I saw my little cousins that day, and at night time I chilled with Jess, and her friends bridget, nat, caroline, mike, and louis. They had this winter party thing at FAU and we made really awesome wax hands.
Thursday I had my lovely art classes. Finished a final, and I think I did really good. Took a little nap and then went out kinda late with Scott. I met up with him and his friends house, Chad. So I met some new people and it was cool. Im a moron and I left my Led Zepplin sweater on his couch though.. and i imss that jacket. Oh Jess, I also need my black jacket back too. thanks bitch! =P So scott told me just to walk in when I got there, so I walk into Chads room and his playing on his acustic guitar and singing. He has an awesome voice. It was good. Then I saw scott, and I showed him my nose ring. And he looked into my eyes for a long time. It was..... i dont know. Not something anyone normally does. its cool though. So then we went 2 floors down to some other ppls apartment. Its cool like 8 people live next to each other. SO then I met Miranda who actually is from Boston, MA. Made me think of Andrew when she was telling me about the people in Mass. BUt its cool, her grandparents own the resturant Oceans234 right by the pier in deerfield beach. So then there was anthony, and Jessica who was really cool, and Mitch who watches a whole lot of porn, and Nick.... and scott . I drank alittle, smoked alittle, talked a while, chilled. it was good. Oh yeah and Chad was this surfer guy, and the best thing that came out of his mouth that night was that Surfing is like riding the earth. I loved that.
Friday I felt soo tired all day. I went to lunch at John Gs in Lake Worth with my mother. I hadnt been to that beach since me and Andrew went in July. So it brought back good memories. Food was good, we looked at some old houses after that, then I went home and fell back asleep. Before I knew it, it was time to go to work. My dad said something really sweet to me yesterday, he said that he was really glad that I decided to live with him when I moved back. :) So anyway at work, this is when it gets intense! Im working with Abby, this new girl Erika who sucks, and Marcia. ALl of a sudden its like an instince where I just so happen to look outside of the store and I saw Joseph walk right by. It happend in seconds. My heart started racing and I was freaking out. I dont know why, but every time I see him, it makes me melt. Like before we even had our relationship, I remrember he came in on a sunday and he scared me bc i wasnt excpecting that. It must be the whole attraction part that blows me away. So when I saw him, and notcied that he didnt even look in the store to see if I was working, I started to get really upset, plus just seeing him brought back sad feelings. Then my friend Maria came into Claires to say hi, ( i work with her.) I told her that I just saw him! and described to her what he looked like because she had never met him before. Hes tall, skinny, black spikey hair, lip ring and hes wearing a white shirt. So she went to look for him and she couldnt find him. Then like an hour later, she comes back and comes up to me and the first thing that came out of her mouth was " Oh my god lexy, he is beautiful" I was like where is he?!!!!! SO he was by the nut house, so maria went to get him and he came into the store, because I just wanted to see him one more time and talk to him. During all of this, Marcia was like whats going on? is there some celebrity in the mall? I was like nooo, its my ex boyfriend :( So he came in the store and we were talking. ANd I wanted to give him the biggest hug and kiss him so bad, something! I was glad to see him again, but it made me more sad when he left. But when he came in, Abby was trying to be a good friend and she was like, Oh lexy is going out clubbing tonight with me. ANd I was like nooo im not. because Joe knows I dont dance unless im really drunk, because then i think im good. So he was like go out, have fun. so abby was trying to make it look like i was going out meeting guys and having fun, and forgeting about him, it was cute. well the whole time we were talking, he was looking into my eyes the whole time, and Im sure that just gave away how I was feeling... because he can usually tell. SO then he said he had to go because he was meeting up with Peter. When he left, Marcia was standing by the register, and she goes to me, Was that your ex? Im like yea, and she goes Damn! like damn he is good looking! (this, coming from my 50 something year old manager) That just made me feel worse, that everyone who saw him was like damn he is really handsome. Because I know I cant have him, so it just fucking sucks.
I called up Jen that night, because I hadnt talked to her in a while, and I told her about Joe and whats happend. She made a good point, that even though there are many things I like about him, they will never overpower all the bad things about him. That is true, but its just the drinking problem that really is bad, and his history of hooking up with chicks and not remembering who he did anything with. I really dont know why Im so attached. I wish I was just over him already, and moving on with my life. But I feel like im stuck, and I feel like I'll never not have feelings for him. And Im like that with every guy I get close to. Im sure if I saw Andrew again, my feelings would come back. They just dont go away. ANd i wish I knew what I could handle. Because not talking to Joe is really hard, and I hate it. But then talking to him again is also going to be hard, to just be friends. i dont know what to do.
I hope he is working on his problems and trying to fix them. I hope someday he comes back and wants things to be like they were between us. its not like we broke off as enemies, we had a good relationship. Or atleast I hope someday soon I can see him in the mall, or hang out with him, and not have the slightest feeling of wanting something more than a friendship.
Here are my days.
Wednesday...I felt kinda good on wednesday after seeing joe. it was like a release of emotions, truth, honesty. If I remember correctly, I saw my little cousins that day, and at night time I chilled with Jess, and her friends bridget, nat, caroline, mike, and louis. They had this winter party thing at FAU and we made really awesome wax hands.
Thursday I had my lovely art classes. Finished a final, and I think I did really good. Took a little nap and then went out kinda late with Scott. I met up with him and his friends house, Chad. So I met some new people and it was cool. Im a moron and I left my Led Zepplin sweater on his couch though.. and i imss that jacket. Oh Jess, I also need my black jacket back too. thanks bitch! =P So scott told me just to walk in when I got there, so I walk into Chads room and his playing on his acustic guitar and singing. He has an awesome voice. It was good. Then I saw scott, and I showed him my nose ring. And he looked into my eyes for a long time. It was..... i dont know. Not something anyone normally does. its cool though. So then we went 2 floors down to some other ppls apartment. Its cool like 8 people live next to each other. SO then I met Miranda who actually is from Boston, MA. Made me think of Andrew when she was telling me about the people in Mass. BUt its cool, her grandparents own the resturant Oceans234 right by the pier in deerfield beach. So then there was anthony, and Jessica who was really cool, and Mitch who watches a whole lot of porn, and Nick.... and scott . I drank alittle, smoked alittle, talked a while, chilled. it was good. Oh yeah and Chad was this surfer guy, and the best thing that came out of his mouth that night was that Surfing is like riding the earth. I loved that.
Friday I felt soo tired all day. I went to lunch at John Gs in Lake Worth with my mother. I hadnt been to that beach since me and Andrew went in July. So it brought back good memories. Food was good, we looked at some old houses after that, then I went home and fell back asleep. Before I knew it, it was time to go to work. My dad said something really sweet to me yesterday, he said that he was really glad that I decided to live with him when I moved back. :) So anyway at work, this is when it gets intense! Im working with Abby, this new girl Erika who sucks, and Marcia. ALl of a sudden its like an instince where I just so happen to look outside of the store and I saw Joseph walk right by. It happend in seconds. My heart started racing and I was freaking out. I dont know why, but every time I see him, it makes me melt. Like before we even had our relationship, I remrember he came in on a sunday and he scared me bc i wasnt excpecting that. It must be the whole attraction part that blows me away. So when I saw him, and notcied that he didnt even look in the store to see if I was working, I started to get really upset, plus just seeing him brought back sad feelings. Then my friend Maria came into Claires to say hi, ( i work with her.) I told her that I just saw him! and described to her what he looked like because she had never met him before. Hes tall, skinny, black spikey hair, lip ring and hes wearing a white shirt. So she went to look for him and she couldnt find him. Then like an hour later, she comes back and comes up to me and the first thing that came out of her mouth was " Oh my god lexy, he is beautiful" I was like where is he?!!!!! SO he was by the nut house, so maria went to get him and he came into the store, because I just wanted to see him one more time and talk to him. During all of this, Marcia was like whats going on? is there some celebrity in the mall? I was like nooo, its my ex boyfriend :( So he came in the store and we were talking. ANd I wanted to give him the biggest hug and kiss him so bad, something! I was glad to see him again, but it made me more sad when he left. But when he came in, Abby was trying to be a good friend and she was like, Oh lexy is going out clubbing tonight with me. ANd I was like nooo im not. because Joe knows I dont dance unless im really drunk, because then i think im good. So he was like go out, have fun. so abby was trying to make it look like i was going out meeting guys and having fun, and forgeting about him, it was cute. well the whole time we were talking, he was looking into my eyes the whole time, and Im sure that just gave away how I was feeling... because he can usually tell. SO then he said he had to go because he was meeting up with Peter. When he left, Marcia was standing by the register, and she goes to me, Was that your ex? Im like yea, and she goes Damn! like damn he is good looking! (this, coming from my 50 something year old manager) That just made me feel worse, that everyone who saw him was like damn he is really handsome. Because I know I cant have him, so it just fucking sucks.
I called up Jen that night, because I hadnt talked to her in a while, and I told her about Joe and whats happend. She made a good point, that even though there are many things I like about him, they will never overpower all the bad things about him. That is true, but its just the drinking problem that really is bad, and his history of hooking up with chicks and not remembering who he did anything with. I really dont know why Im so attached. I wish I was just over him already, and moving on with my life. But I feel like im stuck, and I feel like I'll never not have feelings for him. And Im like that with every guy I get close to. Im sure if I saw Andrew again, my feelings would come back. They just dont go away. ANd i wish I knew what I could handle. Because not talking to Joe is really hard, and I hate it. But then talking to him again is also going to be hard, to just be friends. i dont know what to do.
I hope he is working on his problems and trying to fix them. I hope someday he comes back and wants things to be like they were between us. its not like we broke off as enemies, we had a good relationship. Or atleast I hope someday soon I can see him in the mall, or hang out with him, and not have the slightest feeling of wanting something more than a friendship.