Sep 28, 2009 19:06
The past, i don't know, like 2 weeks i've had this huge urge to write a journal, but one online ya know. ceptin i really didn't wanna write one on facebook or myspace. i've realized how most of the time i really am writing to myself, u know this is stuff that i'm gonna read again sometime. but on facebook and other social networking sites i've realized that anytime u try to express yourself you're automatically and apparently calling out for attention or complaining or trying to brag or something like that and it really sucks. I would love for people to read what i write, but i have a problem sharing my intentions. when i write these kind of journals i never mean to make people sorry for me or to tell them to be happy for me or to try to cheer me up...when i write it's for me to read later and for me to let out what i'm feeling without having to complain or be overly excited to someone else. Writing is the one place i can share every single detail about my life and what i am feeling without having to be judged for it. when you write it doesn't matter if you are wrong or right, it doesn't matter if you have feelings that aren't socially acceptable, it doesn't matter if you are being a drama queen or not. it's the one place where you don't have to hold back anything, and that is what writing is all about, being honest and not giving a shit about anything else except for what you feel, and what you're thinking. That being said i have come to ask myself honest questions and just get things that i'm feeling without having to worry about whether or not i am being judge like i do a lot. A lot of times i question who i am. I wish i knew who i was...i mean i've got a general idea, but i hate when i'm a hypocrite, which is frequently enough to bother me. Like for example how i tell people they shouldn't worry about what other people think of them, yet i do. That's another thing. I used to lie to myself all the time...like saying i don't care what people think of me, and that is certainly true of a lot of things...actually for about 80% of things, but there's so many things that i'm insecure about, and so i care what other people think about it. Lately i've decided that i was no longer going to lie to myself, but the problem with that is because i am being more honest with myself, i don't like the person i am turning out to be, which is a hateful, selfish, over-reacting asshole. I'm sure there are a ton of good qualities i can throw in there too but since i'm trying to get a lot of stuff out i am overlooking them. why is it that i am such an oxymoron? how can i say one thing but then do the opposite. Why is it that i think it's ok to judge people? i've been rationalizing for months that it's ok to judge people because we're human and everyone is going to do it regardless...and true..it's going to happen, but because it happens does it make it right? i don't wanna be a person that just happens...i wanna be a person that is right and makes things right when they are wrong. to add to this, lately i have been trying to find the man in me, knowing that i've spent most of my life i've been catering to the softer sides of me. Like just basic things, being stronger, standing up for what i believe in, facing my fears, not letting people walk all over me, being mean when i have to be. but as i am doing this i am simultaneously disregarding any ideals i have about gender equality and the break of a gender dichotomy...seriously...does anyone else struggle with this? the whole your morals vs. what you actually do? i can't seem to find where i belong. for my most recent example i almost got into a fight with someone. while i believe i shouldnt've backed down because if i did i would not be standing up for what i believe in...which is the same thing as believing in god, and then someone tells u they are gonna stab you if you believe in god so you say no. which is lying to yourself. on the other hand i shouldve backed down because i don't believe in fighting, i don't believe in hurting other people, i don't believe in masculine aggression and i don't believe getting into arguments over stupid things. should i apologize for calling him something which i believe truly that he is? or should i refuse to apologize even though it was mean and probably hurtful to say? these are the things i fight with myself over. it may seem like such a small detail in life, but it's more about what it represents. which morals am i choosing? and if i choose one do i automatically not believe in the other? or can i believe in two conflicting things? what else? oh yeah...i've noticed i have this tendency to make things a bigger deal than they really am. Like someone being mad at me. ok not cool, but i know i should just drop it and LET IT GO and let the anger just fade away. But that's not me, i get sad about it, i don't like disappointing people, i don't like feeling like someone is going to leave my life. Granted i could live with out them just like i have done so many times in the past, i would rather not lose someone i feel is close to me. So instead of just dropping it, i keep bringing it up until i feel it is resolved. but i think the fact that i keep trying to resolve an issue just makes it more of an issue which is just as bad as ignoring it, like pretending something didn't happen. why cant i be normal? why is it so hard to let things go? i kind of believe that you fight with people that are close to you because they are the people worth fighting to keep in your life. I don't know. I'm really still learning, i'm really still growing. I don't know everything, i'm not perfect, i don't pretend to be. i've been thinking about this kind of stuff for quite sometime and i'm not talking just about my most recent situation, i just used that as an example. and it is not what inspired me to write this, just what motivated me to. u know something i've learned...is that no matter what action i take...i have ALWAYS had the best intentions for myself and for those around me. ALWAYS. i love my friends i would never wanna do anything to hurt them or to be weird to them. I don't know...i wish i knew more about myself. i'm not gonna lie...i feel a lot better now...maybe i should half-way privately write more often. I say halfway private because some of you will be able to see this, and i hope that you don't think any differently of me. Know that if you are reading this, i trust you more than anyone in my life and i think you deserve a good deep look into me, and that i care about you a lot more than you think and that i hold you in very high regards, i probably look up to you and find qualities in you that are admirable that i would love to share. ok. i'm done.