(no subject)
lets re-cap. wednesday, i woke up feeling like the entire, yes the entire, world was on my shoulders and it felt terrible. i felt so smothered and distressed that i could barely think. however, after getting through an extremely long and boring day at school i left feeling only slightly better. teeci called me and we went to the mall and i ended up sleeping over at her new apartment that night. thursday morning we woke at like, 8:30am because she and her father were driving to tampa. i came home and sat around and did absolutely nothing for a good 3-4 hrs. called becki...we went to the mall. (2nd time in 2 days...keep track here.) i left my wallet because i knew that upon arriving at the mall i would instantly be drawn to buying the first crazy piece of shit i saw. becki had to work at 3 and so we sat around twistee for a while until her shift started and i had a bunch of little boxes i was going to decorate and such but i left them in the cone! i'll get them later...i came home, did a whole lot of nothing again for about an hr while being glued to the internet doing nothing at all. funny how i still couldn't pry myself from something so boring. jessica called and we went to the mall (if you've kept track...thats 3. twice in the same day.) we went into one of those annoying super girly stores where just about every single piece of clothing consists of pink and tried on skirts. now, know that i am not the skirt-wearing-type and have never, ever worn a skirt because i wanted to. usually, it was because i had to. they were alright, though i could definately use a tan on my legs and dressing room lighting isn't always that flattering. needless to say...i think that skirts just aren't for me. my parents would probably faint anyways at the sight of me in a skirt at my own free will. thursday is me and jessica's date night. we went and played pool. ate dinner at sweet tomatoes. went to michaels. went to target. and then came home. we usually come home around 10pm on thurs nights due to the fact that its a boring week day and nothing cool stays open that late. we're running out of things to do...
would you like to know the point of that idiotic rambling? well first, notice the boring-ness that is my life. aside from school and work, i do nothing. thus making my black hole even deeper for me to fall into. but on the flip side...i have these wonderful friends that complete me. and even if i am feeling like i can't go on, i just see them or hang out with them and i forget everything. i forget that i am single and hopelessly in search of a good fuck or something. i forget that i don't have a happy, exciting life like them. i forget that my job sucks sometimes. i forget that earlier that day, i wanted to die. because at that moment when i'm with them, i am happy. i am so happy. i am able to laugh. i am able to tell jokes. most of all, i am able to just be myself. and i am a very reserved person. you know my personality only by knowing me. perhaps the reason i don't have a boyfriend. well excuse me but i never knew being a complete introvert was a crime. although, when it comes to guys, it seems i have only one friend who seems to think i deserve so much more than i have. she thinks boys don't deserve me. i've always felt undeserving, just in a different way. like i was the one who didn't deserve them. she has this theory that boys are intimidated by me. i'm most likely the least intimidating person you'll ever meet. uncompetitive, unassuming, unaware, un-everything. i made a list earlier. one that i was sure i could follow. but i've already broken a few of those rules. i'm still procrastinating. i'm still eating. i'm still buying shit. and to be honest, i'll never be done searching for "mr. right" until i'm sure that i have him. would you be willing to wait a long time? would you have the strength to wake up every day and tell yourself that its just another day and make the best of it, without the thought of a boy ever crossing your mind?
...didn't think so.
would you like to know the point of that idiotic rambling? well first, notice the boring-ness that is my life. aside from school and work, i do nothing. thus making my black hole even deeper for me to fall into. but on the flip side...i have these wonderful friends that complete me. and even if i am feeling like i can't go on, i just see them or hang out with them and i forget everything. i forget that i am single and hopelessly in search of a good fuck or something. i forget that i don't have a happy, exciting life like them. i forget that my job sucks sometimes. i forget that earlier that day, i wanted to die. because at that moment when i'm with them, i am happy. i am so happy. i am able to laugh. i am able to tell jokes. most of all, i am able to just be myself. and i am a very reserved person. you know my personality only by knowing me. perhaps the reason i don't have a boyfriend. well excuse me but i never knew being a complete introvert was a crime. although, when it comes to guys, it seems i have only one friend who seems to think i deserve so much more than i have. she thinks boys don't deserve me. i've always felt undeserving, just in a different way. like i was the one who didn't deserve them. she has this theory that boys are intimidated by me. i'm most likely the least intimidating person you'll ever meet. uncompetitive, unassuming, unaware, un-everything. i made a list earlier. one that i was sure i could follow. but i've already broken a few of those rules. i'm still procrastinating. i'm still eating. i'm still buying shit. and to be honest, i'll never be done searching for "mr. right" until i'm sure that i have him. would you be willing to wait a long time? would you have the strength to wake up every day and tell yourself that its just another day and make the best of it, without the thought of a boy ever crossing your mind?
...didn't think so.