(no subject)
I just want to be done. I don’t actually have time to write this but the longer I spend working on projects the closer I get to crying. I feel like such a failure. I don’t even know why I’m in school right now. Was it just another distraction? Another few letters to add after my name to make me feel better when I’m still working at a shitty job that requires none of my special skills? I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel right now, and I don’t see a way out of this hellish circle of crappy job and too much schoolwork for a while, which I’m afraid is making me less marketable. I just can’t handle a full time job with this courseload, and next semester won’t be better. If I could find a paying part time internship I could justify leaving the credit union, but that’s difficult.
It’s just starting to feel like everyone is moving on with their lives without me, and I know everyone moves at their own pace, but it’s so hard when I’m in some form of self-imposed stagnation.
I know that’s an overstatement. I’m learning. I’ll have my degree next year.
But until then I don’t feel like I’m worth a whole lot, and that my opinions are increasingly less relevant.
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaay imposer syndrome, you can leave whenever you want.
I’d like to say that my general school/work freakout was making my usual holiday/loneliness freakout less, but I’m kinda paralyzed by how much I’m worried about the Christmas and new years and the state of my relationships.
I guess I’m also getting to the point where the career, the accomplishments, they’re nothing if I don’t have someone to share them with, and who would want to do that? I’m exhausting to myself. I can never stop thinking, I talk to much about things that are irrelevant, or too small to be important.
It doesn’t help that I have members constantly insulting my appearance and relationship status, like that’s all that’s important.
I’m so scared that this last year, with all the improvements and people, will be the best I can do, that nothing will grow from here and the people I care about will start to fall away. I don’t know how I’d handle that.
I mean I know I’d be fine outwardly. I’ve done that before, I’m just scared of the crushing feeling that comes with having no one.
I have too much homework to be going down this spiral. Back to Digital Collections, obsolete media, and metadata.
It’s just starting to feel like everyone is moving on with their lives without me, and I know everyone moves at their own pace, but it’s so hard when I’m in some form of self-imposed stagnation.
I know that’s an overstatement. I’m learning. I’ll have my degree next year.
But until then I don’t feel like I’m worth a whole lot, and that my opinions are increasingly less relevant.
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaay imposer syndrome, you can leave whenever you want.
I’d like to say that my general school/work freakout was making my usual holiday/loneliness freakout less, but I’m kinda paralyzed by how much I’m worried about the Christmas and new years and the state of my relationships.
I guess I’m also getting to the point where the career, the accomplishments, they’re nothing if I don’t have someone to share them with, and who would want to do that? I’m exhausting to myself. I can never stop thinking, I talk to much about things that are irrelevant, or too small to be important.
It doesn’t help that I have members constantly insulting my appearance and relationship status, like that’s all that’s important.
I’m so scared that this last year, with all the improvements and people, will be the best I can do, that nothing will grow from here and the people I care about will start to fall away. I don’t know how I’d handle that.
I mean I know I’d be fine outwardly. I’ve done that before, I’m just scared of the crushing feeling that comes with having no one.
I have too much homework to be going down this spiral. Back to Digital Collections, obsolete media, and metadata.