Drabble: Pearls of silver (2/2)
Title: Pearls of silver (2/2)
Pairings: Jared/Tomo
Rating: R
Warnings: Mentions of slash, angst, self-hurt
Feedback: See my puppy eyes? Pretty please! ^^
Disclaimer: It's fiction. Shall I spell it for you? F-I-C-T-I-O-N.
A/N: Happy birthday, kleemoon! This is for you, picking Tears from my prompt table. I'm sorry that it's not complete yet to your special day, but I hope you enjoy it nevertheless! I wish you good luck for the new age and of course many presents xD Enjoy your day!!! *hugs*
“Hey,” the whisper interrupted my inner silence, while Shannon put a comforting hand on my shoulder, when I twitched away from him. Awkwardly smiling, I hesitated to pull my former best friend into a familiar embrace. Former. The word rumbled in my head like heavy thunderclouds on stormy sea. Guilt. Yes, this it was dripping from my voice in thick, syrupy drops, which made my movements and gestures look unnatural, and myself insecure dealing with one of the few persons I trusted blindly. But friend was friend, even if it was the best on this whole, God damn, huge world, brother remained brother. A difference like day and night, like blood and water.
“How is he?” The question was just as unnecessary as stupid. Barely three hours had passed since Shannon had called me, totally beside himself. For a moment I had really thought, Jared was dead. While the seconds Shannons stutter hadn’t made any sense, interrupted by loud sobs, I assumed that I needed to bury the love of my life… That he had left me. Instead, I had left him.
“Doctor said, he is stable,” Shannon answered in low voice.
I asked myself if the semi-darkness put another layer of sadness onto his face or if my best friend really looked as if he deserved a second bed in this room. Not only had the shadows conjured dark rings under his eyes, staring at me in dull pain. Even if Shannon had never been able to express his feelings so openly like his baby brother did, nevertheless they had been deeply buried into the amber in different layers of gold and bronze. Now I wasn’t able to find anything. He wore a longer beard, like at times of exhausting touring and stupid bets, and his clothes seemed as if he hadn’t only had a nap in them. As well, he seemed tensed up every moment, nervous and on the run. As if he anxiously awaited something to happen.
“He hasn’t eaten well for the last few months. We didn’t notice.” His guilt met mine. They eyed eachother suspiciously, assessing who was bigger and stronger. I didn’t want to risk a fight, since I knew that big brothers always take the responsibility, even for things totally out of their range. “A week ago he stopped eating at all, and drank only a bit. Yesterday…” Shannon stopped, his shoulders tensed under the pressure of his memory. And even though I tried to tell myself that Jared’s drastic actions had nothing to do with myself… I knew better. “He is being force-fed.”
“Oh Jared, oh Jared.” This time I was prepared for the coldness creeping into my pores, when I tenderly stroke his cheek. “Is he… always like that?”
Shannon nodded the slight movement visibly hard for him. “He hasn’t reacted to anyone since… then.” I stared down onto the motionless, poor figure. I had longed for a fallen angel, but not like that! I wanted overflowing emotions breaking free, running down his face and smearing the dark, full make up.
“Would you… leave us alone for a moment?” I carefully asked my best friend. Vainly I searched for small signs of accusation in his words, eyes and gestures. That I didn’t find anything didn’t mean nothing existed under the thick layer of sadness. Shannon nodded again, in a loving gesture stroking the strands out of Jared’s pale face, and kissing his forehead.
I waited until Shannon had left the room, then pulled myself a chair close to the bed. An icy shiver ran down my spine, when I realized that I had whether sat down meeting Jared’s lifeless look or he was fixing me without any sign of recognition or emotion; his eyes staring at me like those clear marbles of a porcelain figure. Only because of the shallow rise and fall of the bony chest, I resisted the urge to let my fingers feel on his neck for a sign of life. Sure, I had left him, but that didn’t mean I wanted him to die; all the more I wished him all the best on Earth. And this he surely didn’t find in my hands.
“I’m so sorry, Jared…”
“What would you like to have with the gratin? Salad?” he asked calmly without lifting his gaze from the potatoes, he just peeled, and cut into well-proportioned pieces. For a moment I stared at him in bewilderment, until I walked around him, pulling the dish with the boiled vegetables out of his reach. “Honey, if you want to help, take care about the dressing, okay?” Without batting an eyelid, he reached around me.
“Are you listening?!” Angrily I grabbed both his wrists, so that the knife slipped out of his hands, causing a sharp cut over his palm. “Oh God, I’m so sorry,” I gasped.
“It’s just a cut,” Jared said softly, pressing a moist cloth to the bleeding wound without twisting his kind smile.
“It’s not about this fucking… I cheated on you!” I panted deeply. The repeated confession took away all my strength.
“So what?” He calmly looked at me with those soft, blue pearls.
“Don’t you want to say anything?” The bad conscience had almost driven me insane, tortured for hours, and whispered spiteful nastiness to my ear, and now he didn’t even react.
“Do you still love me?” Thoroughly he washed his hands, before he turned himself to the huge lettuce in the sink.
“Of course!” I lashed out, nervously walking around him to steal some attention from the green leaves.
“Then where is the problem?” Jared smiled.
“I. Cheated. On. You,” I said slowly, emphasizing every word with a gesture.
“I. Know,” my lover returned, walking to the cupboard, where he loaded vinegar, oil and salt onto his arms; when he came back to the sink, I grabbed him roughly at his shoulders.
“Shouldn’t you be angry… or something?” I asked desperately. Not that I wanted him to be angry, but it was certainly better than this resignation.
“Probably.” Jared lowered his eyes, until he looked at me again. Only for this short moment I saw the real sadness, disappointment and pain reflecting in the blue, then it was covered again by something I couldn’t identify. “But I trust you.” The lie hurt in my ears.
“I had sex with another man. In our bed.”
“And? What do you want me to do? Break up?” Directly looking at me, I let go off his shoulders.
“No…”
“Shall I sulk like a pussy or deny sex for hours? If you want it like that, okay…” He turned around to his preparations for dinner again.
“No.” Stepping to him, I stood closely behind him. I could feel his body heat, wrapping around me like tropic air or a soft, fleecy blanket. I sensed the mix of different essences; his coconut shampoo, the aftershave and the touch of Jared in between.
“I want you to do whatever makes you happy.”
Smilingly he turned around to me, putting soft hands onto my shoulders. “You make me happy, Tomo.” And tenderly kissed my cheek.
Unfortunately I knew that like every time, when he thought I was sleeping this night, he would turn away from me, crying himself to sleep.
Weakly I sank onto him, pressing our foreheads against eachother. Everything I had felt for the last hours, weeks, even months got together to a shattering cocktail. The fear, the guilt and worry. The fury at myself, the love for him. Pearls were rolling from the corners of my eyes without being stopped, and moistened his cheeks, as if he was the one crying. Maybe he did. Every tear showed another apology, a new confession. I couldn’t live with him, but I also couldn’t live without him. Even less without him. Taking his face into my hands, I kissed the wetness on his cheekbones. Again and again.
“Don’t do this to me. Don’t do this to the world. What would the world be without you? Nothing.” I kissed his dry lips, trying to soothe the cuts with my tongue. “Nothing. Nothing…” I whispered, when I suddenly felt my desperate kiss returned. Shocked I gasped to his lips. “Baby…” More tears were pouring from my eyes, leaving a salty track over my mouth, the chin and down my neck.
He looked at me. Not accidentally into my direction or through me. He directly looked at me, and what I noticed in his eyes, let my heart leap in joy, at the same time tensing up. It was recognition. And love.
A croak was forced out of his throat. He swallowed, helplessly licking over his dry lips. Quickly I reached for the stand by glass of water on the nightstand, and held it to his mouth. Greedily he drank in big gulps so that I needed to pull it away again. “Don’t or you choke,” I softly said, stroking over his cheek, while this time he carefully nipped at it twice. I put the glass down again, but when I turned around to him, the big lake looked at me piercingly, on the surface pearls of silver gleaming. It broke my heart, although I knew that those and similar ones had been born more than once, since I had left him.
“W-why?” he croaked. “Why, Tomo?” My lips, fingers and thighs were trembling in time.
“I wanted to protect you, baby.” He clung to my hand as if he feared I could walk away any moment. “I only hurt you.” The shaking of his head became not more than a slight shift of weight, while the blue of his eyes blurred into silver.
-One year later-
“Honey? Dinner is ready!” I listened to a reaction, while I dropped noodles onto the prepared plates, garnishing with tomato sauce and fresh basilica. “Honey?”
Quickly lighting a candle, I wiped off the apron, and went on the search for my boyfriend. I found him in our bedroom. Jared stood in front of the huge mirror, we had hung up, as soon as he had been dismissed from the hospital, and I moved in with him again. He only wore his old, white jeans.
“Look!” Enthusiastically he made a pirouette. “They fit again!”
“You are so beautiful.” Joyful pride puffed my chest out, when my eyes stroked over the still slim, but not skinny body. I stepped to him, wrapping my arms around his naked waist.”And I feel that you have again that ass to fill.”
“We have to take advantage of that,” he grinned over his shoulder, stealing a small peck from my lips.
“Are you hungry, baby?” I carefully asked. On some days it was still a difficult topic, and especially when I spent too much time with others, he sometimes refused to eat, but step by step we would make it together.
“I’m hungry for you,” Jared chuckled, grinding his more ample ass at my crouch. And, God knows, I had nothing against this little delay.