(no subject)
so my head is a mess, but in a way that i feel strangely ok about. everything is racing through at speeds that i just can't keep up with. my body and head feel like they are trying to out run one another. i can't seem to catch up with either. an ache is steadily resting in my throat, and i have this cold that just won't stop creeping through my head and nose and throat and chest. every day when i wake up i feel more and more like a trainwreck, but i still can't bring myself to just take care of myself, and get the rest i need.
so when it's 3 in the morning, i'm going on barely any sleep, we're standing at the practice space in orlando, and we still have to go back to lakeland before sleeping, and i say to curtis "so... uh... do you want to play some music or what?", i should really know better. but when he says "well i mean, i will if you will" with a hidden smile, i don't even hesitate. and within a couple of seconds we're buying sodas with last of our money and heading up the stairs towards guitars and drums and amps, and laughing the whole way up.
and so instead of sleeping we're yelling into microphones and playing the theme from "jurassic park" over and over, and that's that. i know my throat will hurt worse when i wake up, and i know i'll wake up, tired and sore and half the day already gone, broken plans and feeling like shit about it. but goddamn if it doesn't feel good sometimes to not even fucking care. to yell and laugh until you can feel it aching, and not worry about when or where you'll wake up. like skipping town even though your head is swimming with obligations, or going ahead and spending the money you don't have to see the album leaf play, and loving every second of it. little indulgences that may not seem like much when you're removed from a situation, but when you're immersed in your anxieties and tied to your worries, seem like moving mountains. until you throw yourself in and remember just how good it is to love where you are and not where you're trying to get to.
and it may have taken awhile, but i'm finally feeling like myself again.
it doesn't mean i don't still feel sad, or lonely, or think about things way too much from time to time. but i don't feel that need to cling to it like i did.
it feels ok just to be happy, and not feel guilty or worried or unsure of myself about it. it feels ok to just love where i am.
i'll be honest. it's a good feeling.
so when it's 3 in the morning, i'm going on barely any sleep, we're standing at the practice space in orlando, and we still have to go back to lakeland before sleeping, and i say to curtis "so... uh... do you want to play some music or what?", i should really know better. but when he says "well i mean, i will if you will" with a hidden smile, i don't even hesitate. and within a couple of seconds we're buying sodas with last of our money and heading up the stairs towards guitars and drums and amps, and laughing the whole way up.
and so instead of sleeping we're yelling into microphones and playing the theme from "jurassic park" over and over, and that's that. i know my throat will hurt worse when i wake up, and i know i'll wake up, tired and sore and half the day already gone, broken plans and feeling like shit about it. but goddamn if it doesn't feel good sometimes to not even fucking care. to yell and laugh until you can feel it aching, and not worry about when or where you'll wake up. like skipping town even though your head is swimming with obligations, or going ahead and spending the money you don't have to see the album leaf play, and loving every second of it. little indulgences that may not seem like much when you're removed from a situation, but when you're immersed in your anxieties and tied to your worries, seem like moving mountains. until you throw yourself in and remember just how good it is to love where you are and not where you're trying to get to.
and it may have taken awhile, but i'm finally feeling like myself again.
it doesn't mean i don't still feel sad, or lonely, or think about things way too much from time to time. but i don't feel that need to cling to it like i did.
it feels ok just to be happy, and not feel guilty or worried or unsure of myself about it. it feels ok to just love where i am.
i'll be honest. it's a good feeling.