(no subject)
there were times when things felt ok.
there were times when things felt better than ok.
-sitting in the attic on my bed, late afternoon, post-rain, the daylight on it's last leg, pushing into the room through a homemade window. no screen, no glass, just open space. warm air wrapping all around, notes and chords notes and chords notes and chords. everything is rhythm. there's kids kissing in the streets, running and fighting, water under tires, the summer hum of the nieghborhood below, and it all seems and sounds like it's worlds away. it's just colors in motion, sounds, atmosphere, blending, finding and falling into rhythm and notes. kathleen's bare foot on my bare leg, skin on skin on pulse on pulse, tapping tapping tapping. the more we repeat the more i can feel it. the life and the depth and every chord, the life and depth in everything. if not life saving, it's sure as hell life affirming. the more we repeat, the sweeter it sounds. sometimes it sounds so sweet, it's unerving. it's almost haunting. it toes the line between aching and rejoicing, and touches on everything in between. sometimes, it's so sweet it almost hurts to breathe. i fall behind and can barely catch up on my breaths.
and even then it's just reminding me of the life that is everywhere and in everything.
-and then there's jake's porch on the fourth of july, the sky exploding in pink and orange and purple, illuminating everything. covering everything. as if the daylight were jealous, counting down the minutes. as if it knew the time, the date, everything, and was offering up it's swan song, it's grandest of finale, in attempt to upstage the fireworks sitting in waiting for the approaching night. me, feeling support, feeling friendship, just feeling ok, finally. feeling more than ok. riding home on my bike, as the whole sky turned pink, feeling painted, as if everything was painted, enveloped, by color, by life, feeling hope, feeling that shortness of breathe, that tightness in my chest, that quick panic reminding me to slow down. breathe deep. don't try to take it all in at once, because you can't. there's just too much. the world is so goddamn big, and for some reason you'll forget to see it for what it really is. for minutes, hours, days and months, sometimes even years. and the moment the realization occurs, when it hits you that there are worlds upon worlds, that there is world without end, in everything that you can see, taste, hear, feel, think; it's breathtaking. it's panic inducing. even if you don't name or notice it as such. the tight chest and shortness of breath, the quickening movement and increased motion, the body's subtle attempts at taking in everything all at once until it freezes in overload. sometimes it's so hard to remember to breathe. particularly slow, full breaths that embrace the life they are there to take in, instead of merely choking it all down in desperate attempts to not miss anything (but in turn, usually missing most everything). to remember that that life and energy is constant, you are the one who comes and goes.
-and there's so many other things. like danielle's house, kids playing, records singing, paintings on the wall. brand new bike for a fifth birthday, shiney green paint, training wheels. blue and purple pirate flag flying high, handstitched with love from a punk rock mother to her bright eyed daughter. the way she shows so much support in such a seemingly effortless fashion. the quick spurts of comfort and inspiration i feel within seconds of walking in to that house that i'm sure they have no idea that they've provided.
and it goes on. so many little things. like the way samantha calls people "sugar", or "darlin", with no thought or trace of irony or mockery. or the way that kevin can effortlessly produce a seemingly endless array of feelings and sounds from the moment he picks up a guitar, in the form of his willy nelson by way of mogwai solos and leads. or the way that regardless of circumstance or atmosphere or environment, he can always find a reason to smile, and a reason to celebrate. and more importantly, good reasons. not just good, even, but fucking brilliant reasons. ones that should seem so simple, but it takes someone like him to pick me up and remind me of just how much beauty there is, surrounding me a most any given moment. of the commonalities, and of the connections. of "that which passes through all things", and the importance of such things.
and on and on and on. and so many reasons to love and appreciate the life i've built and the community that i am surrounded by.
there were times when things felt ok. honestly, there were times when things felt really, really good.
-but then there are the other times. the ones that, truth be told, have been more often than not recently. the times when i'm crying and crying and just can't fucking stop crying. when all i want to do is stop crying. when i honestly feel like i'm going crazy. when i'm so lonely i honestly just want to die. when a million thoughts of death from so many different angles just won't leave my head.
in those times, it really doesn't matter how many amazing things there are around you. because you are just in a really bad place, and that is all that you can see. you begin acting and percieving actions in very negative cycles, and as many times as you try and see the good in things or think in rational ways, it's just not possible. the areas that hurt dictate what you see and how you perceive things, and it's really hard to even know that it's happening.
and when you need a friend the most, every phone call will go unanswered, and it's hard to remember that you often don't answer your phone, either. and a town full of friends will seem like one full of enemies. not because they are, but because alot of the time, they're in the same place you are. and it's not that your good friends don't love you that makes you feel isolated in your pain, but because it's hard to be approachable, and it's even harder to approach. and as much as our rhetoric and even intentions may say one thing, our actions and what we internalize may say another. collective support and strength are not easy. fear and insecurities distance us just as much as if we were being fucking assholes to one another, as different as the roots and intentions may be.
so when you leave, it's not that you're giving up. you're just detoxifying. it's ok to clear your system of very hurtful things circulating through you. and to take some time, removed, to heal, to begin to think clearly again, and to remember what it feels like to simply be happy without worry and sadness attached.
because i want to benefit my community and those around me. i want to live life in a way that strengthens and gives hope. i want to love completely, and help others to do the same. but no matter how many ways i commit myself to formalities that exist to work towards doing those things, if i am sad and tired and without positive energy to share, i may as well have locked myself in my room because i'm fucking deadweight. i'm not helping, i'm hurting.
and it may not seem like it because these are our lives and not those in books or on a screen, but the stakes are high.
and if not for me, than for everyone and everything i care about, it's time to get well.
this is just one of the ways i'm trying to do so.
there were times when things felt better than ok.
-sitting in the attic on my bed, late afternoon, post-rain, the daylight on it's last leg, pushing into the room through a homemade window. no screen, no glass, just open space. warm air wrapping all around, notes and chords notes and chords notes and chords. everything is rhythm. there's kids kissing in the streets, running and fighting, water under tires, the summer hum of the nieghborhood below, and it all seems and sounds like it's worlds away. it's just colors in motion, sounds, atmosphere, blending, finding and falling into rhythm and notes. kathleen's bare foot on my bare leg, skin on skin on pulse on pulse, tapping tapping tapping. the more we repeat the more i can feel it. the life and the depth and every chord, the life and depth in everything. if not life saving, it's sure as hell life affirming. the more we repeat, the sweeter it sounds. sometimes it sounds so sweet, it's unerving. it's almost haunting. it toes the line between aching and rejoicing, and touches on everything in between. sometimes, it's so sweet it almost hurts to breathe. i fall behind and can barely catch up on my breaths.
and even then it's just reminding me of the life that is everywhere and in everything.
-and then there's jake's porch on the fourth of july, the sky exploding in pink and orange and purple, illuminating everything. covering everything. as if the daylight were jealous, counting down the minutes. as if it knew the time, the date, everything, and was offering up it's swan song, it's grandest of finale, in attempt to upstage the fireworks sitting in waiting for the approaching night. me, feeling support, feeling friendship, just feeling ok, finally. feeling more than ok. riding home on my bike, as the whole sky turned pink, feeling painted, as if everything was painted, enveloped, by color, by life, feeling hope, feeling that shortness of breathe, that tightness in my chest, that quick panic reminding me to slow down. breathe deep. don't try to take it all in at once, because you can't. there's just too much. the world is so goddamn big, and for some reason you'll forget to see it for what it really is. for minutes, hours, days and months, sometimes even years. and the moment the realization occurs, when it hits you that there are worlds upon worlds, that there is world without end, in everything that you can see, taste, hear, feel, think; it's breathtaking. it's panic inducing. even if you don't name or notice it as such. the tight chest and shortness of breath, the quickening movement and increased motion, the body's subtle attempts at taking in everything all at once until it freezes in overload. sometimes it's so hard to remember to breathe. particularly slow, full breaths that embrace the life they are there to take in, instead of merely choking it all down in desperate attempts to not miss anything (but in turn, usually missing most everything). to remember that that life and energy is constant, you are the one who comes and goes.
-and there's so many other things. like danielle's house, kids playing, records singing, paintings on the wall. brand new bike for a fifth birthday, shiney green paint, training wheels. blue and purple pirate flag flying high, handstitched with love from a punk rock mother to her bright eyed daughter. the way she shows so much support in such a seemingly effortless fashion. the quick spurts of comfort and inspiration i feel within seconds of walking in to that house that i'm sure they have no idea that they've provided.
and it goes on. so many little things. like the way samantha calls people "sugar", or "darlin", with no thought or trace of irony or mockery. or the way that kevin can effortlessly produce a seemingly endless array of feelings and sounds from the moment he picks up a guitar, in the form of his willy nelson by way of mogwai solos and leads. or the way that regardless of circumstance or atmosphere or environment, he can always find a reason to smile, and a reason to celebrate. and more importantly, good reasons. not just good, even, but fucking brilliant reasons. ones that should seem so simple, but it takes someone like him to pick me up and remind me of just how much beauty there is, surrounding me a most any given moment. of the commonalities, and of the connections. of "that which passes through all things", and the importance of such things.
and on and on and on. and so many reasons to love and appreciate the life i've built and the community that i am surrounded by.
there were times when things felt ok. honestly, there were times when things felt really, really good.
-but then there are the other times. the ones that, truth be told, have been more often than not recently. the times when i'm crying and crying and just can't fucking stop crying. when all i want to do is stop crying. when i honestly feel like i'm going crazy. when i'm so lonely i honestly just want to die. when a million thoughts of death from so many different angles just won't leave my head.
in those times, it really doesn't matter how many amazing things there are around you. because you are just in a really bad place, and that is all that you can see. you begin acting and percieving actions in very negative cycles, and as many times as you try and see the good in things or think in rational ways, it's just not possible. the areas that hurt dictate what you see and how you perceive things, and it's really hard to even know that it's happening.
and when you need a friend the most, every phone call will go unanswered, and it's hard to remember that you often don't answer your phone, either. and a town full of friends will seem like one full of enemies. not because they are, but because alot of the time, they're in the same place you are. and it's not that your good friends don't love you that makes you feel isolated in your pain, but because it's hard to be approachable, and it's even harder to approach. and as much as our rhetoric and even intentions may say one thing, our actions and what we internalize may say another. collective support and strength are not easy. fear and insecurities distance us just as much as if we were being fucking assholes to one another, as different as the roots and intentions may be.
so when you leave, it's not that you're giving up. you're just detoxifying. it's ok to clear your system of very hurtful things circulating through you. and to take some time, removed, to heal, to begin to think clearly again, and to remember what it feels like to simply be happy without worry and sadness attached.
because i want to benefit my community and those around me. i want to live life in a way that strengthens and gives hope. i want to love completely, and help others to do the same. but no matter how many ways i commit myself to formalities that exist to work towards doing those things, if i am sad and tired and without positive energy to share, i may as well have locked myself in my room because i'm fucking deadweight. i'm not helping, i'm hurting.
and it may not seem like it because these are our lives and not those in books or on a screen, but the stakes are high.
and if not for me, than for everyone and everything i care about, it's time to get well.
this is just one of the ways i'm trying to do so.