(no subject)
i wouldn't say things are bad. i wouldn't say things are good. things just are, and they have been for awhile now. things are strained and things take effort. rather absurd amounts of effort. very conscious, specific effort. as in, having to tell myself to do every little thing before i do it. smile. speak. show appropriate emotion and facial expression. do or don't put yourself in social situations, according to long, drawn out reasons involving the way they make me feel about myself, my life, the way i spend my time, etc, because if i don't, i end up feeling crazy all over again. get out of bed. get out of bed. get out of bed. i have to write lists for most everything else, in very detailed account.
i feel like so much is rhetoric and words that i've heard and said too many times to actually feel when i say them. everything else is things that i feel so much that i can't say them at all. so it feels like my words lack feeling and my feeling lacks words.
i ride my bike much more than i ever have before, and it's becoming one of the only things i think about or want to do. i want to take out of town bike trips more badly than ever. i really want to take any kind of trips, actually. i feel so anxious and dizzy and for some reason that's the only thing that makes any sense to me, or could make the world look calm and still and clear again. i think about that more than anything else right now, probably. i think about idaho alot, and four or five months there by myself next year, working for my dad's friend. i think about so many places, really. i think about making drastic changes in my life. like, just picking up and leaving and not coming back. i think about taking trips with my mom and dad alot. i think about the feeling of waking up and not knowing where you are. i think about sleeping outside. i think about grass and trees and sky until it's the only thing i can see. i think about my family so much. i think about my dad dying so much that i can hardly stand it.
i think about people i miss alot, or people who existed in lives of mine that were very different than the one i am in right now. sometimes this hurts alot, and sometimes it makes me feel so lost i don't know what to do. thankfully, i also think of people who exist right now in my life, and love them very dearly.
i feel more confused and unhappy than i would like to about my life right now, on a very regular basis, and i'm not exactly sure what i need to do about that. i think about death and dying all too much. i wake up with this ache of never enough, not making enough of opportunities, not giving, loving, creating, learning, teaching, as much as i wish i could. unfortunately, i can't even seem to remember how anymore. not in the way i need to, atleast. and the maps all seem to have come up missing. so many things that used to feel so specific and engaging now just feel like tired rhetoric with no specific application. and i keep trying fit myself into the same old ideas and idealogies and life that i built for myself, but i just don't fit anymore. but i really don't feel like i fit anywhere else, either. so i just feel really lost, with this feeling of belonging so much, and with such passion, to something that i just can't seem to find my way to anymore.
but i do feel like i am making alot of steps towards making myself happier, stronger, and all those other things that we want from ourselves, but don't always actively pursue. it just takes time sometimes, and you can't always see the changes as quickly as you'd like, or in the ways that you're looking for.
but i wake up, i keep moving, and keep trying much more than i have in the past, and i hope that counts for something.
i feel like so much is rhetoric and words that i've heard and said too many times to actually feel when i say them. everything else is things that i feel so much that i can't say them at all. so it feels like my words lack feeling and my feeling lacks words.
i ride my bike much more than i ever have before, and it's becoming one of the only things i think about or want to do. i want to take out of town bike trips more badly than ever. i really want to take any kind of trips, actually. i feel so anxious and dizzy and for some reason that's the only thing that makes any sense to me, or could make the world look calm and still and clear again. i think about that more than anything else right now, probably. i think about idaho alot, and four or five months there by myself next year, working for my dad's friend. i think about so many places, really. i think about making drastic changes in my life. like, just picking up and leaving and not coming back. i think about taking trips with my mom and dad alot. i think about the feeling of waking up and not knowing where you are. i think about sleeping outside. i think about grass and trees and sky until it's the only thing i can see. i think about my family so much. i think about my dad dying so much that i can hardly stand it.
i think about people i miss alot, or people who existed in lives of mine that were very different than the one i am in right now. sometimes this hurts alot, and sometimes it makes me feel so lost i don't know what to do. thankfully, i also think of people who exist right now in my life, and love them very dearly.
i feel more confused and unhappy than i would like to about my life right now, on a very regular basis, and i'm not exactly sure what i need to do about that. i think about death and dying all too much. i wake up with this ache of never enough, not making enough of opportunities, not giving, loving, creating, learning, teaching, as much as i wish i could. unfortunately, i can't even seem to remember how anymore. not in the way i need to, atleast. and the maps all seem to have come up missing. so many things that used to feel so specific and engaging now just feel like tired rhetoric with no specific application. and i keep trying fit myself into the same old ideas and idealogies and life that i built for myself, but i just don't fit anymore. but i really don't feel like i fit anywhere else, either. so i just feel really lost, with this feeling of belonging so much, and with such passion, to something that i just can't seem to find my way to anymore.
but i do feel like i am making alot of steps towards making myself happier, stronger, and all those other things that we want from ourselves, but don't always actively pursue. it just takes time sometimes, and you can't always see the changes as quickly as you'd like, or in the ways that you're looking for.
but i wake up, i keep moving, and keep trying much more than i have in the past, and i hope that counts for something.