Talks about being a survivor...and it may be triggering for some people who can read it
Something that's been on my mind recently and I don't think many people will agree with me and I'm sorry.
I really don't like it when people are like "oh, you're so strong, you survived abuse/rape/trauma/whatever else might have happened to you." I feel like in many ways, it puts me on some kind of a pedestal almost, and it makes me feel like people see me as something I'm not, like it's another expectation people have of me to be strong and I beat myself up for it when I fail and fuck up. (and I'm truly not minimizing anyone's trauma, ever ever ever...and those might not be the proper words, but it's how it feels for me and my situation). Because here's the thing: surviving my abuse and surviving my rape, that was the easy part, that didn't take too much strength because I didn't have control over surviving or not...that ultimately was up to the person who was hurting me so how am I strong for the fact that they chose to let me live? And trust me, he came close to going through with it two or three times. The only part I had in surviving those situations was not killing myself.
What makes a person strong is surviving themselves. That's the hard part. When you're in a safe place and no one is hurting you and then you start abusing yourself. You're putting yourself through fucking hell and it's scary as fuck. Learning how to survive yourself after a trauma is ten times more difficult than the initial trauma. And part of being strong is allowing yourself to break down and fuck up and cry, and still wake up the next day, and the next day, and the next day, as much as it hurts. As much as all you want to do is swallow those pills, step in front of the bus. Because surviving yourself and your head and your memories is the scariest fucking thing in the world, especially when you feel like you have absolutely no control. And it takes a long fucking time to see that you are strong, despite hurting yourself, you're strong because you're alive, because you're still fighting on some level, whether you realize it or not. And that doesn't mean that someone who does kill themselves isn't strong, or wasn't strong.
Blah. I don't know if this actually makes any sense. I don't consider myself a victim. I don't consider myself a survivor. But for the first time, I am starting to realize that I am strong, and have been strong, even when I've hurt myself, even through the suicide attempts. It's not meant to offend anyone, it's just how I feel about me and my situation at least.
I really don't like it when people are like "oh, you're so strong, you survived abuse/rape/trauma/whatever else might have happened to you." I feel like in many ways, it puts me on some kind of a pedestal almost, and it makes me feel like people see me as something I'm not, like it's another expectation people have of me to be strong and I beat myself up for it when I fail and fuck up. (and I'm truly not minimizing anyone's trauma, ever ever ever...and those might not be the proper words, but it's how it feels for me and my situation). Because here's the thing: surviving my abuse and surviving my rape, that was the easy part, that didn't take too much strength because I didn't have control over surviving or not...that ultimately was up to the person who was hurting me so how am I strong for the fact that they chose to let me live? And trust me, he came close to going through with it two or three times. The only part I had in surviving those situations was not killing myself.
What makes a person strong is surviving themselves. That's the hard part. When you're in a safe place and no one is hurting you and then you start abusing yourself. You're putting yourself through fucking hell and it's scary as fuck. Learning how to survive yourself after a trauma is ten times more difficult than the initial trauma. And part of being strong is allowing yourself to break down and fuck up and cry, and still wake up the next day, and the next day, and the next day, as much as it hurts. As much as all you want to do is swallow those pills, step in front of the bus. Because surviving yourself and your head and your memories is the scariest fucking thing in the world, especially when you feel like you have absolutely no control. And it takes a long fucking time to see that you are strong, despite hurting yourself, you're strong because you're alive, because you're still fighting on some level, whether you realize it or not. And that doesn't mean that someone who does kill themselves isn't strong, or wasn't strong.
Blah. I don't know if this actually makes any sense. I don't consider myself a victim. I don't consider myself a survivor. But for the first time, I am starting to realize that I am strong, and have been strong, even when I've hurt myself, even through the suicide attempts. It's not meant to offend anyone, it's just how I feel about me and my situation at least.