(no subject)
At home my typical school day consisted of A) waking up WAY too early and going to school and then B)leaving school and meeting up with whoever to do whatever for the rest of the afternoon until C) I walk into my house at 9 or 10 and give my mom some complete bullshit lie about math meetings and tutorings all afternoon. She yells at me until D) I go to sleep almost happy but ready to get the fuck out.
and now my life has totally changed.
i now A) wake up pretty much whenever i want to go to class until B) it ends and i come back here and nap until C) i go to other classes until D) i come back to our dorm where i do something really important like paint my nails or wash my clothes or maybe hang more fucking pictures on my wall i don't know - something fun and then, if i'm lucky I E) watch some trendy MTV show before running off to bed by myself at like 10. because ya know, i gotta get all 8 hours in before I wake up at eleven tomorrow.
i'm not happy here. I wash my clothes, do you know how rare that is?? I probably did maybe half a load all summer and i've done two in one week here. And i never had a TV in my room at home and now it seems like the most vital part of my fucking bedroom. what IS that i don't even really like tv or clean clothes for that matter. And i feel like this whole new beginning has really been me waiting for an all important college e-mail where i get all these new great secrets that i think everyone else might already know. Like how to add a class even tho it's technically too late for me to do that, or how to get a job that will let me work around my school schedule and still let me go home on the weekends. I'd like to know how i'm going to pay for this gas to get home and still have leftover money, i'd like to know when i'm going to have time to visit my other friends colleges. I want to know why my cable won't always work and how to visit my dog without my parents knowing i'm home. why can't I just go to perimeter or just not go anywhere? Where do i get student loans and how come i have to pay by myself? why don't i have the balls to get a tattoo? why can't life be like it was this summer? why did i waste 3-4 years on something so worthless? why did i skip that class today? where is the clinic and is my boyfriend going to jail? how come my bed is so uncomfortable and why did i choose to come here? I CHOSE this, not only that i'm PAYING for it. why, what was i thinking? honestly right now i have no idea.
and ya know - things really are less fun when they're allowed. Freedom is more fun when i'm sneaking it from my mom just like alcohol and cigarettes. being a mess is more fun when it's pissing someone off and i feel so much more accomplished after tanning if i'm trying to impress someone. my room would feel so much more awesome if the people i wanted to show it to were here to lay eyes on it and sex is more fun when you're not married. not that i know that from experience i just think it's a pretty safe bet. i don't know if all of this means that i am totally messed up and that i can't be happy for myself or maybe that i just can't take things for the fun they offer or maybe something else i don't know i'm just bummed right now. i'm bummed that you really can't slow time down. i can have some type of influence on anything else, i can protect myself from almost everything else but there's really nothing i can do here. before we know it we'll all be thirty and then forty and then what? a whole new list of problems? i don't want to get into that.
i just want to go home with these people i barely know and a few that i know very well. I think we're all going to the beach soon and i think that deep down i'm hoping that we'll all just decide to stay and get jobs and keep things like they are. i don't know. but i really do miss my dog. and even the other dog even tho she's new. i really want to show the world what i've got but the reality is that i don't have anything. i'm free of real passion, drive, motivation, all of that. all of that stuff that makes people interesting. i love some people but maybe that's just not enough. but i do love those people with my whole heart and although it's looking more and more like it doesn't count i just hope that they recognize it when i try and show them and that they always know how much they meant to me. Because my college life sucks and i can't fix time and i don't have any money and i'm not good at anything but i've got them and so i smile. i hope at least one of them knows that and knows that they made a difference and that they feel better than i do right now.
i just read this.
"In the present tense we want the maximum number of alternatives; in the short term, choice improves our lives, and we're completlely aware of that. The problematic rub is that-over time-choice isolates us. We have fewer shared experiences, and that makes us feel alone. The proliferation of choice makes us feel vaguely alienated and that makes us depressed. But this relationship is not something we are conscious of, because it seems crazy to attribute loneliness to freedom. We just think we're inexplicably less happy than we should be."
-CK
and now my life has totally changed.
i now A) wake up pretty much whenever i want to go to class until B) it ends and i come back here and nap until C) i go to other classes until D) i come back to our dorm where i do something really important like paint my nails or wash my clothes or maybe hang more fucking pictures on my wall i don't know - something fun and then, if i'm lucky I E) watch some trendy MTV show before running off to bed by myself at like 10. because ya know, i gotta get all 8 hours in before I wake up at eleven tomorrow.
i'm not happy here. I wash my clothes, do you know how rare that is?? I probably did maybe half a load all summer and i've done two in one week here. And i never had a TV in my room at home and now it seems like the most vital part of my fucking bedroom. what IS that i don't even really like tv or clean clothes for that matter. And i feel like this whole new beginning has really been me waiting for an all important college e-mail where i get all these new great secrets that i think everyone else might already know. Like how to add a class even tho it's technically too late for me to do that, or how to get a job that will let me work around my school schedule and still let me go home on the weekends. I'd like to know how i'm going to pay for this gas to get home and still have leftover money, i'd like to know when i'm going to have time to visit my other friends colleges. I want to know why my cable won't always work and how to visit my dog without my parents knowing i'm home. why can't I just go to perimeter or just not go anywhere? Where do i get student loans and how come i have to pay by myself? why don't i have the balls to get a tattoo? why can't life be like it was this summer? why did i waste 3-4 years on something so worthless? why did i skip that class today? where is the clinic and is my boyfriend going to jail? how come my bed is so uncomfortable and why did i choose to come here? I CHOSE this, not only that i'm PAYING for it. why, what was i thinking? honestly right now i have no idea.
and ya know - things really are less fun when they're allowed. Freedom is more fun when i'm sneaking it from my mom just like alcohol and cigarettes. being a mess is more fun when it's pissing someone off and i feel so much more accomplished after tanning if i'm trying to impress someone. my room would feel so much more awesome if the people i wanted to show it to were here to lay eyes on it and sex is more fun when you're not married. not that i know that from experience i just think it's a pretty safe bet. i don't know if all of this means that i am totally messed up and that i can't be happy for myself or maybe that i just can't take things for the fun they offer or maybe something else i don't know i'm just bummed right now. i'm bummed that you really can't slow time down. i can have some type of influence on anything else, i can protect myself from almost everything else but there's really nothing i can do here. before we know it we'll all be thirty and then forty and then what? a whole new list of problems? i don't want to get into that.
i just want to go home with these people i barely know and a few that i know very well. I think we're all going to the beach soon and i think that deep down i'm hoping that we'll all just decide to stay and get jobs and keep things like they are. i don't know. but i really do miss my dog. and even the other dog even tho she's new. i really want to show the world what i've got but the reality is that i don't have anything. i'm free of real passion, drive, motivation, all of that. all of that stuff that makes people interesting. i love some people but maybe that's just not enough. but i do love those people with my whole heart and although it's looking more and more like it doesn't count i just hope that they recognize it when i try and show them and that they always know how much they meant to me. Because my college life sucks and i can't fix time and i don't have any money and i'm not good at anything but i've got them and so i smile. i hope at least one of them knows that and knows that they made a difference and that they feel better than i do right now.
i just read this.
"In the present tense we want the maximum number of alternatives; in the short term, choice improves our lives, and we're completlely aware of that. The problematic rub is that-over time-choice isolates us. We have fewer shared experiences, and that makes us feel alone. The proliferation of choice makes us feel vaguely alienated and that makes us depressed. But this relationship is not something we are conscious of, because it seems crazy to attribute loneliness to freedom. We just think we're inexplicably less happy than we should be."
-CK