(no subject)
Halloween is almost here.
It used to be my favorite holiday. Ever since I can remember I've wanted to be someone other than me. Living some other life, with some other family, and all the opportunities I felt I should have had. That all changed a year and a half ago. Since then, the only thing I have wanted is to be who I was before everything went so wrong. To have what I had, to love who I loved, and to be loved. I miss it. I miss her. I miss my little boy. I miss all of it. I just can't get them out of my head, or my heart. Sometimes I hate her for what she did, but mostly I just miss her.
I've tried to keep it out of my journal for fear of beating a dead horse, but I need to get it out of me. It's been pretty bad lately. For the last month or so I've dreamed about her almost every night. Tossing and turning, waking up in cold sweats, the works. I think it's the fact that so much is changing for me right now. The last time I had a big change in my life was when she left me. At least I hope thats all it is.
I can feel myself becoming more and more withdrawn on a daily basis. I just don't seem to care about anything. I try to put on a happy face as much as possible, but it's all for show. Sometimes I find myself wishing I was already in basic, far away from all the places where I can still see us together. Like if i run far enough away from it all I will finally find some peace. I know deep down that's not how it works, that it all comes with me no matter where I go. It's just not fair.
It's so easy to go away when you don't want to be in your own skin anymore. I just wish I could forget. I just want to forget her, the way she forgot me.
It used to be my favorite holiday. Ever since I can remember I've wanted to be someone other than me. Living some other life, with some other family, and all the opportunities I felt I should have had. That all changed a year and a half ago. Since then, the only thing I have wanted is to be who I was before everything went so wrong. To have what I had, to love who I loved, and to be loved. I miss it. I miss her. I miss my little boy. I miss all of it. I just can't get them out of my head, or my heart. Sometimes I hate her for what she did, but mostly I just miss her.
I've tried to keep it out of my journal for fear of beating a dead horse, but I need to get it out of me. It's been pretty bad lately. For the last month or so I've dreamed about her almost every night. Tossing and turning, waking up in cold sweats, the works. I think it's the fact that so much is changing for me right now. The last time I had a big change in my life was when she left me. At least I hope thats all it is.
I can feel myself becoming more and more withdrawn on a daily basis. I just don't seem to care about anything. I try to put on a happy face as much as possible, but it's all for show. Sometimes I find myself wishing I was already in basic, far away from all the places where I can still see us together. Like if i run far enough away from it all I will finally find some peace. I know deep down that's not how it works, that it all comes with me no matter where I go. It's just not fair.
It's so easy to go away when you don't want to be in your own skin anymore. I just wish I could forget. I just want to forget her, the way she forgot me.