Creations of Evil
Every so often, perhaps not all the time, but often enough to make me suspicious, we come across an invention so evil, so unpropitious, malevolent, malicious, atrocious, and destructive that I need to describe it with really weird terms that I'd never actually use at any point in my entire life. Sure, some of them may seem harmless enough, some of them may even help us; which is why their evil presence and intentions grow until they will eventually destroy us all.
Hopefully after you've read this article you'll realize how Satan has entered our everyday lives and you'll join me by throwing them all into the street, dumping gasoline on them, and burning them all back to hell.
Creations of EVIL!
The Dryer... of EVIL!
I know what you're thinking, I'm crazy. That may be true, but heed my words; the dryer is an evil block of metal that should not be underestimated. It is pure evil. In recent studies, it is said that the dryer is the cause of 68%* of global warming. The extra 32% you ask? Australians*. This is a machine that's sole duty is to create immense heat, enough heat to melt through plastic, and I dare say; human skin.
Have you ever stopped a dryer after eleven hours of heating and thrown on your favorite pair of underwear just to have your pubes incinerate? Well if you haven't, then you don't know just how demonic these "machines" can be. Try throwing your newborn baby into this gateway to hell and see just how gentle and loving a spin dry can be.
And have you noticed how every accessory to this beast is cute and cuddly? Talk about luring you into a false state of security. Pokemon are cute and cuddly to, but they're made by the Japenese - does Pearl Harbor ring a bell? Anyone?
Where's your God now, Cat!?
Evilness Rating: 62% evil.
The Microwave.... of EVIL!
This one shouldn't be too big of a surprise when compared to the dryer. Faulty microwaves are the cause of 92%* of skin melting off faces (the other 8% is due to Bette Midler marathons). Have you ever seen a diagram of how these things work? There are actually little invisible things that zap food to a heated state. Nobody really knows exactly how this works*, it is believed to be a curse that witches who were burned at the stake in the 1800s gave to us.
What other contraption would cause a hot dog to instantly blow up after only two minutes? Just imagine if this technology were to get into the wrong hands. Ever see a twenty foot high microwave that falsly lures people in with a trail of Froot Loops? I'm sure some day you will, if it hasn't already been made by the Japenese. A lot of microwaves even melt themselves! They're like the 16 year old goth equivelent of kitchen products, and instead of moaning on about it in a poem, they're saying "hey, look, I browned another corner of my extremely white wall" every time you open the door.
A lot of urban legends revolve around putting a coin in the door closer thing. Remember: never hit start with the door open or you'll end up in a 92%* percentile.
Will he blow up like a hotdog or incinerate like the hair on my balls?
Evilness Rating: 78% evil.
The Fork..... of EVIL!
Have you ever been to prison? Of course you have. How often do you hear of someone being stabbed 372 times with a fork? Every other day, I'm sure. Well this well kept secret is being told in a book by a man who escaped recently by, you guessed it, digging through concrete and soil with his fork. Now all hell is breaking loose.
At what other time can you just be happily eating then all of the sudden get stabbed in the face? There are four small daggers on the ends of these things, yet you can still bring them right into a police station or through airport security and nobody will at all look at you funny - until, that is, you stab someone with it.
How many movies have we seen someone, normally bald, get stabbed in the head with a fork then make the unforgettable "cork" sound when it's taken out? It's like a damn instructional video! It's the visual interpretation of evil, unlike Puff the Magic Dragon, which is audible (and not really all that evil).
Damnit, someone beat me to it.
Evilness Rating: 86% evil.
The Bible...... of EVIL!
Ask yourself this question; would there be evil if there wasn't not-evil? Just how many translations are needed to tell us that we're all going straight to hell no matter how much we pray? For every action there is a reaction, and for heaven to exist, a hell must follow; so says the all-knowing me. So essentially, the very idea that the Bible preaches, creates evil! How much more evil can you get?
I once created some really shitty, burnt cookies, but they weren't evil.
I could probably beat someone to death with
a book that big.
Evilness Rating: 96% evil.
The Oprah Winfrey....... OF EVIL!
This is the evil incarnate of Satan himself.
Tom Cruise should have killed her when he had the chance.
She later used the award to bludgeon a
homeless man to death so she could later
eat him.
Evilness Rating: 100% evil.
Make Haste...
Those were just a few examples of what will destroy civilization as we know it. Everything you have read is based off years of research and fact*.
*Note: None of the above information is based on fact and has not been researched.