Think of the kids...

[lessmeaningful]

So I bet you've asked yourself lately; "When am I being outsourced?" Well with the gas prices rising, tax rates hiking, and all the other things that have nothing to do with giving your job to illegal aliens, homeless people, failed childhood actors, and a delightfuly monotone guy from India, the answer is: soon. So that in turn begs the question, "Where is your God now?" Well, I'm here to speak for him, because he's probably too busy being vague and handing out scripts in languages that are undecipherable so we can later say, "Oh, that's what he meant, I'm so retarded."

Amen.

If you're having a tough time following me on this one, I'll explain what outsourcing means to you, my friend*. There's a whole slew of people barely even able to read english, trained circus midgets, and uppity Venezuelan children who can do your job, just as well as you, by reading things off an old, dusty monitor. There are little asian girls in underwear who can sell more cars, electronics, reality, and services than any hot shot salesperson for half the wages. Hell, if they can sell used panties to the elderly Asian population, they'll sling out Ipods like some sort of Ipod slinging monster (for lack of a better term). Try vendoring hotdogs when your competition is a starving Indian kid with a sign that reads, "For every five you buy, I get to eat one." Scared now? Well, you should be! But there's hope! I have taken my hard earned time and research to show you jobs that will never be outsourced. Yes, you heard that right, my friends*, these jobs are guarenteed for you and your children. If you're ready to begin a new family legacy, continue reading!

Javelin Fetcher For The Elderly Olympics



Imagine seeing this scary bastard running straight toward you.

This career field offers many promising qualities. Imagine having one of the best medical insurance plans on earth that even includes a seventeen page listing of "stabbing coverage"! At what other job could you randomly get stabbed like a vampire and and still recieve full benefits? I'll tell you folks, there isn't one! During warm ups, you'll even get the chance to harrass old people and order them around like shriveled, hairless puppies that can't hear or see past three feet in front of them.

Pros:

- Fetching the javelins and running for your life will both keep you in shape. Haven't you ever wanted to look good naked?
- If the old people ever get uppity or annoying, feel free to smack them. Nobody ever really believes old people anyway. In what other job could you punch your co-workers? Besides, they'll be dead soon anyway.
- They can't even see where they're throwing, there's a much higher chance of a spectator being stabbed than you. Think about it.
- Two words: Disability income.

Cons:

- It'll be pretty difficult to find anyone who can drive you to the hospital without killing three other people on the way. Unless you're able to do it yourself, finding someone to call 911 will also be difficult, because of those "darned cell phones and their buttons."
- Being stabbed with a giant, sharp pole is really, really painful for what feels like eternity.
- The chances of hitting a vital organ are low, but remember; the chances of a peice of meatloaf shooting out of their mouth and landing on your lower lip while eating with them is also pretty low.
- Father/Son day could turn into a double-homicide.

Coolness: 4/5  - You dodge people throwing deadly weapons at you, the description is cool enough.
Pay: 5/5          - Even if your wages are low, robbing old people is easy.
Danger: 5/5     - Old people with weapons.

Grave Robber



It's like diving into a swimming pool filled with
money.

Want a career with unlimited income potential? No, I'm not talking about selling Cutco knives, I'm talking about digging up people's bodies, stupid! This will ensure that you'll never be pimped out by corporate big-wigs again. If you can't justify the act, try a different perspective on things; it's like a tree that gives money, but it requires digging and dealing with dead bodies all night. After awhile, the sounds of bones snapping won't even interrupt your quest for treasure, and you'll reap the rewards at your local pawn shop!

Pros:

- Lets face it, rich people are buried with thousands of dollars worth of jewlery. You're morally entitled to return that money to the poor; like Robin Hood! Though you'll be cashing it in yourself, with the pawn shop owners' new found wealth, I'm sure he'll flick a few coins at the dude wrapped in newspaper in the alley next door.
- Most dead people are bastards, that's why they're dead. If you can't find logic in that, only loot people that died of unnatural causes, chances are they were killed by a rival gang or an enraged wife as they were caught screwing their secretary; it's 50/50.

Cons:

- Being trapped in a grave would really suck.
- I'm not entirely sure you can't get dysentery from dead bodies.
- I'm pretty sure that if you do believe in God, you will go straight to hell.
- Although the chances of someone being alive in one of the coffins is slim, that would be some scary shit, wouldn't it?

Coolness: 2/5   - Although you're digging up dead bodies, which is extremely cool, you'll never actually be able to tell anyone.
Pay: 5/5           - Chances are good that you'll find some old lady buried with her cat that is wearing at $200,000 necklace.
Danger 1/5       - Unless the dead begin to walk the earth, I'm not it's all that risky. Cops don't actively visit funerals. Pawnbrokers won't turn you in, they're desciples of Satan.

Toilet Paper Seller



My hat says "Polk County Ramp Tramp" and I'm holding toilet paper, that'll be $4.00
please.

Up until now you've seen these people at parties, standing next to the only working toilet, offering you toilet paper for two to five dollars, depending on your business. Popularized by the movie "PCU", everyone is jumping on this venture. The nice thing about this job is its versatility, whether you're nickle and diming at the local truck stop for three bucks a head, or hitting an ultra-fancy evening restaurant for ten, you'll always be able to find work; no matter how many places you're thrown out of.

Pros:

- Hey, it's better than whoring yourself out on Sprague.
- You can buy a twenty-four pack of TP for like two dollars at Wal-Mart.

Cons:

- People will hate you.
- Most guys can hold #2 until they get home, and they get to do #1 for free. Talk about sexist. You'll occasionally find a chronic masterbator, but not enough to make rent.
- The chances of you being shot by a constipated man who's finally able to take a crap, but has no money, triples.

Coolness: 1/5   - Your husband will probably end up beating you before the marriage is over.
Pay: 2/5           - There's just not enough shit and piss in the world to line your pockets.
Danger: 2/5      - Enraged people pee-dancing don't pose too high a threat.

Superhero



Finally, a superhero that doesn't look extremely
gay in spandex.

It's a mystery as to how Superheros actually make money, but I'm almost positive they have a lot of it. Imagine flying around and spinkicking people in the face; man... that would be awesome. You'd never have to pay medical bills because bullets would never penetrate your body.

Pros:

- You'd totally kick ass and stuff.

Cons:

- It'll take you awhile to realize that you're not actually superman, just a creepy guy dressing up in spandex.
- Being shot when you think you can't be shot is like two times the pain.
- You may well be the dumbest person on earth, but sadly, you won't get payed for it.

Coolness: 0/5   - Unless you look like the above example, everyone who has ever known you has no respect for you.
Pay: 1/5           - Some people may give you money as sympathy, or to take the suit off.
Danger: 0/5      - Although there's a lot of danger, you probably deserve it.

The First To Go...

Here's a list of jobs that I'm sure will be the first to go when the foreign wage dominance is unleashed upon us.

Crack Whore


The days of $9.00 blow jobs are long gone.

Sadly, I think this profession will be first to go when the asian population invades. Why, you ask?

"Sookie sookie 5 dolla."

Old Man With Too Much Money


That gold ring won't save you this time, old man.

With all the crack whores running loose, mail order brides raping our economy, and failed actresses Nicole Smith'ing their way into marriage, old men with money aren't safe.

Man On Cell Phone Who's Never At Work


I hope you're on your night and weekend minutes,
asshole!

Congratulations, guy on cell phone who's never at work, the job you're pretending to do has been outsourced!

Conclusion

As you can see, times are getting a whole lot tougher, friend*. Hopefully this small guide helped you in some way. Me? I'm busy digging up dead bodies while blindly leading old people to throw Javelins in my direction as I sell people toilet paper so that they can piss on the grave of their family members that beat them.

*I am not really your friend.