Musings
I have been thinking lately that my dissatisfaction with certain areas of my life is, well, pathetic. Not that I’m saying that I’M pathetic, more that my attitude is. I think that when someone has a hard time, with illness or other issues, it’s so easy to get caught in a pattern of self-pity, which is subsequently thought of as justifiable. I have been feeling sorry for myself for a while. Looking back on past happiness and friendship, and mourning their loss is okay- for a little while- but it should never become a habit.
I am saddened when I read about my old crowd, the fun that they have and all the parties and weddings that I’m no longer invited too. I also miss God and my faith and all the security that went with an established belief system. Loss is difficult. But wellness and life experience should compensate for the losses. How many times in hospital did I wish and pray to feel better? How many times did the nurses tell me that if I could just hang on a little longer I may live to have a future? Well, I feel better now, and I am living that future. My prayers were answered and my wishes fulfilled. I have a fantastic, loving and supportive family who have accepted me despite my mental illness, sexual orientation and (changeable) religious beliefs. They say ‘you can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family’. For some, that’s their curse. But I wouldn’t have chosen any different. How many people can say that? As for friends, I still have some, and that’s more than most.
Even though my life is slow and basically sedentary, I have interests and activities to pursue. I am thinking of turning my hand to writing prose- something that I’ve wanted to do for a while. I can paint in a variety of mediums, and my eye is improving with practice. I can read, and garden, and learn and help people. I can speak out against injustice and I can protect the environment. I can think, and laugh, and love and hope; all of which were impossible only a few years ago. If I have all this, should I ever be upset? What right do I have feel self-pity? Well, everyone has the right to feel whatever they want, but some feelings should be pruned, not nurtured. Pruning makes a plant more focused and encourages growth and strength. It’s time that I took my metaphorical secateurs to my failings in order to become a better person. I need to show myself that the life I struggled in pain to attain was worth the long fight. And that a life so rich and ripe with blessings is not to be pitied.
I am saddened when I read about my old crowd, the fun that they have and all the parties and weddings that I’m no longer invited too. I also miss God and my faith and all the security that went with an established belief system. Loss is difficult. But wellness and life experience should compensate for the losses. How many times in hospital did I wish and pray to feel better? How many times did the nurses tell me that if I could just hang on a little longer I may live to have a future? Well, I feel better now, and I am living that future. My prayers were answered and my wishes fulfilled. I have a fantastic, loving and supportive family who have accepted me despite my mental illness, sexual orientation and (changeable) religious beliefs. They say ‘you can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family’. For some, that’s their curse. But I wouldn’t have chosen any different. How many people can say that? As for friends, I still have some, and that’s more than most.
Even though my life is slow and basically sedentary, I have interests and activities to pursue. I am thinking of turning my hand to writing prose- something that I’ve wanted to do for a while. I can paint in a variety of mediums, and my eye is improving with practice. I can read, and garden, and learn and help people. I can speak out against injustice and I can protect the environment. I can think, and laugh, and love and hope; all of which were impossible only a few years ago. If I have all this, should I ever be upset? What right do I have feel self-pity? Well, everyone has the right to feel whatever they want, but some feelings should be pruned, not nurtured. Pruning makes a plant more focused and encourages growth and strength. It’s time that I took my metaphorical secateurs to my failings in order to become a better person. I need to show myself that the life I struggled in pain to attain was worth the long fight. And that a life so rich and ripe with blessings is not to be pitied.