What I haven't said...
I don’t often write things here, mainly because I feel as though I shouldn’t force details of my life on to others and thus imposition them or make them feel bad. But no-one really reads this anymore so its relatively safe now. I am rambling because I hate facing the truth of my life. I may have fought my way out of the depressive hole I was in, but now the depression has been replaced with a crushing loneliness.
I have no ‘best friends’ anymore. I barely have close friends. I have friends I see once a month or less. My best friend is my cat Elliot, and I think I would suffocate without him. I have survived a lot I think, but that is my belief, it may not be true by other peoples standards. The 4-5 years spent in and out of mental hospitals, the overdoses, poisonings, burnings, hangings and bleedings, the two physical assaults, one minor sexual assault, and the rape. The rejection by a parent who thinks I’m too disgusting to talk to, and the years of mental and emotional abuse as well as physical sickness.
I found a way through it, but a part of me still wishes I hadn’t. When I was unhappy and sick, I could only handle a few people so the others drifted away. I lost most of the Christian aquaintances first, then others, until I had a few wonderful close friends who could cope. I survived for these people, i lived because they asked me not to die, but I guess I asked too much from them in return. I think I must be a needy person, or bad, or boring. Or maybe not being Christian anymore is enough. I tried to fit in my Pagan group, but they all joined the same Coven and left me out. I thought I could handle going to class anyway, but having people who refuse to speak openly because I’m there just plain hurts.
So now I have no God, no group, few friends and no partner with whom I can share my life with. But I have so much. I have a home, and my dad and my sister and Elliot. I have possessions, money and a garden. I have freedom and safety, good food, health and my life. But I still mourn what I’ve lost. My Uni, my Faith, my Friends. I miss Katie and Clare, but they have each other. I miss Sus, so far away and Sarah so busy. I miss Kat who has James, I miss Row and Clare who feel awkward because I’m not Christian and I miss Ali and everything we used to do together.
I miss having a friendship ‘group’ and I miss the God I once believed in. So I cry myself to sleep, promising that tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I’ll think about art projects and planting new seedlings, and I’ll think about what I can do to make people happy and I’ll think about Elliot and how much I love him. And I’ll feel guilty that I’m sad because no one who has as much as me should be sad. But tonight I’ll probably cry again as my loneliness takes over, then i will tire and I’ll go to sleep. And then, if my dreams are kind, i'll have friends and all my family and we’ll all be happy together.
I have no ‘best friends’ anymore. I barely have close friends. I have friends I see once a month or less. My best friend is my cat Elliot, and I think I would suffocate without him. I have survived a lot I think, but that is my belief, it may not be true by other peoples standards. The 4-5 years spent in and out of mental hospitals, the overdoses, poisonings, burnings, hangings and bleedings, the two physical assaults, one minor sexual assault, and the rape. The rejection by a parent who thinks I’m too disgusting to talk to, and the years of mental and emotional abuse as well as physical sickness.
I found a way through it, but a part of me still wishes I hadn’t. When I was unhappy and sick, I could only handle a few people so the others drifted away. I lost most of the Christian aquaintances first, then others, until I had a few wonderful close friends who could cope. I survived for these people, i lived because they asked me not to die, but I guess I asked too much from them in return. I think I must be a needy person, or bad, or boring. Or maybe not being Christian anymore is enough. I tried to fit in my Pagan group, but they all joined the same Coven and left me out. I thought I could handle going to class anyway, but having people who refuse to speak openly because I’m there just plain hurts.
So now I have no God, no group, few friends and no partner with whom I can share my life with. But I have so much. I have a home, and my dad and my sister and Elliot. I have possessions, money and a garden. I have freedom and safety, good food, health and my life. But I still mourn what I’ve lost. My Uni, my Faith, my Friends. I miss Katie and Clare, but they have each other. I miss Sus, so far away and Sarah so busy. I miss Kat who has James, I miss Row and Clare who feel awkward because I’m not Christian and I miss Ali and everything we used to do together.
I miss having a friendship ‘group’ and I miss the God I once believed in. So I cry myself to sleep, promising that tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I’ll think about art projects and planting new seedlings, and I’ll think about what I can do to make people happy and I’ll think about Elliot and how much I love him. And I’ll feel guilty that I’m sad because no one who has as much as me should be sad. But tonight I’ll probably cry again as my loneliness takes over, then i will tire and I’ll go to sleep. And then, if my dreams are kind, i'll have friends and all my family and we’ll all be happy together.