Weather Forecast: Sunny with a chance for Flames
I’ve waited a week really thinking about if I should post this.
I’ve spent that time reading the links on rape culture, watching people share deeply personal and traumatic stories about survival and coping with the long-lasting effects, and of course reading all the archived and screen printed posts about what happened at Winncon 2008.
What tipped me over to the side of making this post was watching what happened to harmonyfb when she stated “If you are in a situation that makes you uncomfortable - you need to speak up and/or remove yourself.”
Before I get to the meat of my statements, I have a few confessions:
1) I am one of the 3 out of 4 women in the USA who has never been sexually assaulted. Some of you may decide that immediately means I don’t get it or am not qualified to make the following statements. That is, of course, your prerogative.
2) Some people may find the below triggery. I will be discussing sharing two personal experiences as well as referencing the Winncon 2008 incident.
To begin, I believe a lot of the flack harmonyfb received for her statement came from the interpretation of the word “uncomfortable”.
I believe harmonyfb is reading the word “uncomfortable” to mean skeeved or creeped out. In fact, HarmonFB repeatedly stated that she was NOT talking about incidents of rape, coercion, force, violence, or threats of violence.
I believe the women who were opposed to Harmony’s statement were reading the word “uncomfortable” as possible shorthand for “frightened and/or feeling threatened.” In fact, the argument was made that in our culture women are taught to downplay our emotions making the word “uncomfortable” ok where “scared” may not be socially acceptable.
So here is what I have to say:
1) There is a difference between being Skeeved and being Frightened.
I will give two examples from my own life to illustrate the differences.
A) Skeeved
A couple years ago I attended a huge house party. It was the type of party where lots of couples and groups were making out in various bedrooms, there was porn on a couple of the tvs, and lots of people were swimming naked in the pool. (I have no complaints about the overt sexuality and nudity, I knew it was that type of party before I decided to attend. The hosts were very upfront - and it is a party they hold on a semi-regular basis.) It was the type of party where lots of people do hook up - but hooking up isn’t necessary or expected. Lots of other people were hang out, talking, and setting off fireworks.
Attending this same party was Bob (not his real name). Bob is an acquaintance, but I’m not real fond of him because he is kind of an ass. Bob (who had been swimming naked in the pool) suddenly wraps his arms around me from behind, presses against me, rubs his dick against my back, and says “See, I knew I could make you all wet.”
My response is to jerk forward out of his arms and say “Ewww! Don’t touch me!”
Then I went inside and chatted with some other friends. That’s it. The incident was skeevy but not frightening. I had no fear that Bob was going to do anything more. In addition, I knew that if I complained or made a fuss, my friends would make him leave the party. The only lasting effect: when I was invited the next year, I asked the hosts “Hey, will Bob be there?”
B) Frightened.
When I was 21 I went out clubbing with friends. The evening was kind of lame so I ducked out around 1am without saying goodbye to anyone. I dropped by Denny’s for some food and as I was leaving I heard a guy say “Hey, are you leaving already?” I didn’t pay any attention because I wasn’t there with anyone so obviously he wasn’t talking to me. Except when I got to my car he was suddenly standing three feet behind me next to my trunk and said “Hey, are you leaving already?” It made me jump.
I realized several things all at once:
i. I’d never seen this guy before
ii. He was too close for me to unlock my door and get into my car before he could get to me.
iii. My friends would have no idea when I left the club
iv. No one knew I was at Denny’s
v. He’d set me up in the restaurant by asking “Hey, are you leaving already?”. If anyone in there remembered him following me out - they would assume we knew each other.
vi. I was wearing heels and it was very unlikely I’d be able to out run him or maneuver around him to get back to the restaurant.
vii. I was probably going to end up raped or killed before sunrise.
I was scared. I just kept thinking “If he makes a move towards me, I’m going to have to scream and fight. I need to get as much of his DNA under my fingernails as possible.” My eyes kept darting from my car door to him to the restaurant and back. He kept asking me questions like “So, what’s your name?” “Where do you work?” and “How long have you lived around here?” I kept lying in my responses and kept him talking. I desperately kept him talking while I looked for an escape route. The whole time he had this look on his face that made me think he knew exactly how scared I was and he was toying with me like a cat toys with a mouse. (I know, it’s cliché but I was too frightened to think up something original for his predatory joy in my fear.)
A cop car pulled into the parking lot. The guy looked at the car, then back at me and smirked. He said “Well, I hope I’ll see you around” and he turned around and walked back into the restaurant.
I scurried into my car, drove home, and shook for 3 days. I was frightened out of my wits and still refer to the incident as “my brush with a serial killer”.
In fact, I still feel guilty for running. I wonder how many women have paid the price for me not flagging down those cops? Not that they could have arrested him. He never voiced a threat, he never made a move towards me. But, I wish I’d had those two cops at least look at him, see him, know that he might be trouble so if he showed up in a future investigation they’d dig a little deeper.
Also, I was young. I was terrified but I didn’t make a scene or start screaming because he didn’t voice a threat and didn’t make a move. What if I was wrong? What if he was just trying to flirt?
The benefit of being 29 versus 21 is If the same thing happened to me today, I would make such a scene that the people at Denny’s would be talking about that crazy lady in the parking lot for years to come. Being older means I’m not so afraid to make a scene, even if I am wrong. Yay, for a touch of wisdom and self preservation gained in the past 8 years!
C) Clarification.
a. “Being Skeeved” and “Being Frightened” are how I reacted to these two particular situations. I am NOT saying those are the “right” reactions - just that they were my reactions. Your reactions in those same situations may be totally different.
b. Looking at these two incidents together, I am fairly amused that the incident where I was actually restrained and touched only skeeved me while the incident where the threat was never voiced and I was never touched still gives me nightmares. Let’s hear it for “stranger danger” still lurking in my psyche.
2) I believe HarmonyFB is correct in situations when you are skeeved.
For Example: If you are told there is a party and people are watching DVD extras only to be confronted by an orgy when the door is opened. And your internal voice says “Ewwwww! Icky! Icky! Icky! I did NOT sign on for this!” then I would suggest the phrase “Oh, Hell No!” followed by you turning on your heel and walking away. See, you get skeeved - you say something and/or remove yourself.
3) It is a mad, bad, dangerous world. You have to protect yourself as best you can.
A. There is a difference between “Blaming the Victim” or “Slut Shaming” and acknowledging that a person can make a series of poor choices leading them into a dangerous situation.
i. Example: (This is actually what happened to one of my friends as she related it to me.) A college girl goes to a frat party with a group of her friends. All of them are planning on getting “Seriously Wasted”! She drinks herself into a blackout. The next morning she wakes up in her dorm room with no idea how she got home. She’s sore and has bruises in places that she really doesn’t want to think about. Worse, she can’t remember what happened. She feels violated and dirty and hung over and sick in ways that have nothing to do with alcohol.
1. Is it her fault? No! 100 times No! It is not her fault that some predator took advantage of her. It is his fault. 100% full stop. His fault. (Sadly, she never did figure out who he was. Her friends had been too drunk to notice who took her home, and her roommate had stayed at the frat house.)
2. Did she make a series of poor choices that placed her in a dangerous situation? Yes.
a. She went to a party and thought she’d be safe because she was with her friends.
b. She drank with the intention of getting as drunk as possible and figured nothing would happen to her because nothing had ever happened to her before.
c. She didn’t have anyone watching out for her and she placed herself in a situation where she couldn’t watch out for herself.
d. It is a hard lesson and she paid a very dear price for it.
3. Clarification: Poor choices don’t always lead to danger and danger doesn’t always wait for poor choices. You can lock your doors, never take the stairs, always have a security person walk you to your car, never jog alone, always have a sober friend watching your back when you are drinking, etc… You can take EVERY precaution and still be raped/attacked/abused.
4. Another Clarification: Cautioning women against poor decisions does NOT equal blaming the victim.
a. Example: If I say “Don’t accept drinks in open containers at a party.” I am NOT blaming women who have been drugged and raped in the past for their assault. I am not suggesting they somehow go back in time and make a different choice (Gods know if they COULD go back in time and make a different choice - they WOULD). I am merely trying to keep other women from living through that same nightmare.
B. This is the point that will most likely have me flamed. I am going to say it anyway. If you are a sexual trauma survivor - the world is not going to made safe to accommodate you. You are responsible for managing your own triggers.
i. If you know you are triggered by movies depicting abuse, rape, violence, etc… It is YOUR responsibility to ASK someone who has seen the movie before you go.
ii. If YOU are triggered by non-con/dub-con scenes in fanfic - it is YOUR responsibility to check the warnings. If there aren’t any warnings - YOU are the one who makes the call if you are going to read that story or not. If you read it and are then triggered by a scene in that story - it is NOT ok to bitch about the author “tricking you” by not adding warnings. Lots of authors and communities add warnings. Stick to them or accept that YOU have made a choice to read something that MIGHT trigger you.
iii. If you know you are easily triggered in social situations - then it is your responsibility to have a friend watching out for you. If some guy leering at you and standing too close while hitting on you is likely to send you into a corner to hyperventilate - then you need to bring a friend who is willing to run interference and/or get you out of the room.
iv. Clarification - Does this mean you will never be triggered? No. Does it mean you are a bad or weak person for being triggered? No. But, if you KNOW that a, b, and c trigger you - then you should limit your exposure to a, b, and c as best you can. Because the world isn’t going to get rid of a, b, and c.
C. Fandom is still part of the world. Conventions are still part of the world. There is no magic barrier that keeps danger outside. We try to make fandom and fandom events as open and safe as possible. But, getting really drunk at a convention places you in the same danger as getting really drunk at a huge party filled with people you only kind of know.
The comments are open. Feel free to agree, disagree, discuss, or ignore as you see fit.
I’ve spent that time reading the links on rape culture, watching people share deeply personal and traumatic stories about survival and coping with the long-lasting effects, and of course reading all the archived and screen printed posts about what happened at Winncon 2008.
What tipped me over to the side of making this post was watching what happened to harmonyfb when she stated “If you are in a situation that makes you uncomfortable - you need to speak up and/or remove yourself.”
Before I get to the meat of my statements, I have a few confessions:
1) I am one of the 3 out of 4 women in the USA who has never been sexually assaulted. Some of you may decide that immediately means I don’t get it or am not qualified to make the following statements. That is, of course, your prerogative.
2) Some people may find the below triggery. I will be discussing sharing two personal experiences as well as referencing the Winncon 2008 incident.
To begin, I believe a lot of the flack harmonyfb received for her statement came from the interpretation of the word “uncomfortable”.
I believe harmonyfb is reading the word “uncomfortable” to mean skeeved or creeped out. In fact, HarmonFB repeatedly stated that she was NOT talking about incidents of rape, coercion, force, violence, or threats of violence.
I believe the women who were opposed to Harmony’s statement were reading the word “uncomfortable” as possible shorthand for “frightened and/or feeling threatened.” In fact, the argument was made that in our culture women are taught to downplay our emotions making the word “uncomfortable” ok where “scared” may not be socially acceptable.
So here is what I have to say:
1) There is a difference between being Skeeved and being Frightened.
I will give two examples from my own life to illustrate the differences.
A) Skeeved
A couple years ago I attended a huge house party. It was the type of party where lots of couples and groups were making out in various bedrooms, there was porn on a couple of the tvs, and lots of people were swimming naked in the pool. (I have no complaints about the overt sexuality and nudity, I knew it was that type of party before I decided to attend. The hosts were very upfront - and it is a party they hold on a semi-regular basis.) It was the type of party where lots of people do hook up - but hooking up isn’t necessary or expected. Lots of other people were hang out, talking, and setting off fireworks.
Attending this same party was Bob (not his real name). Bob is an acquaintance, but I’m not real fond of him because he is kind of an ass. Bob (who had been swimming naked in the pool) suddenly wraps his arms around me from behind, presses against me, rubs his dick against my back, and says “See, I knew I could make you all wet.”
My response is to jerk forward out of his arms and say “Ewww! Don’t touch me!”
Then I went inside and chatted with some other friends. That’s it. The incident was skeevy but not frightening. I had no fear that Bob was going to do anything more. In addition, I knew that if I complained or made a fuss, my friends would make him leave the party. The only lasting effect: when I was invited the next year, I asked the hosts “Hey, will Bob be there?”
B) Frightened.
When I was 21 I went out clubbing with friends. The evening was kind of lame so I ducked out around 1am without saying goodbye to anyone. I dropped by Denny’s for some food and as I was leaving I heard a guy say “Hey, are you leaving already?” I didn’t pay any attention because I wasn’t there with anyone so obviously he wasn’t talking to me. Except when I got to my car he was suddenly standing three feet behind me next to my trunk and said “Hey, are you leaving already?” It made me jump.
I realized several things all at once:
i. I’d never seen this guy before
ii. He was too close for me to unlock my door and get into my car before he could get to me.
iii. My friends would have no idea when I left the club
iv. No one knew I was at Denny’s
v. He’d set me up in the restaurant by asking “Hey, are you leaving already?”. If anyone in there remembered him following me out - they would assume we knew each other.
vi. I was wearing heels and it was very unlikely I’d be able to out run him or maneuver around him to get back to the restaurant.
vii. I was probably going to end up raped or killed before sunrise.
I was scared. I just kept thinking “If he makes a move towards me, I’m going to have to scream and fight. I need to get as much of his DNA under my fingernails as possible.” My eyes kept darting from my car door to him to the restaurant and back. He kept asking me questions like “So, what’s your name?” “Where do you work?” and “How long have you lived around here?” I kept lying in my responses and kept him talking. I desperately kept him talking while I looked for an escape route. The whole time he had this look on his face that made me think he knew exactly how scared I was and he was toying with me like a cat toys with a mouse. (I know, it’s cliché but I was too frightened to think up something original for his predatory joy in my fear.)
A cop car pulled into the parking lot. The guy looked at the car, then back at me and smirked. He said “Well, I hope I’ll see you around” and he turned around and walked back into the restaurant.
I scurried into my car, drove home, and shook for 3 days. I was frightened out of my wits and still refer to the incident as “my brush with a serial killer”.
In fact, I still feel guilty for running. I wonder how many women have paid the price for me not flagging down those cops? Not that they could have arrested him. He never voiced a threat, he never made a move towards me. But, I wish I’d had those two cops at least look at him, see him, know that he might be trouble so if he showed up in a future investigation they’d dig a little deeper.
Also, I was young. I was terrified but I didn’t make a scene or start screaming because he didn’t voice a threat and didn’t make a move. What if I was wrong? What if he was just trying to flirt?
The benefit of being 29 versus 21 is If the same thing happened to me today, I would make such a scene that the people at Denny’s would be talking about that crazy lady in the parking lot for years to come. Being older means I’m not so afraid to make a scene, even if I am wrong. Yay, for a touch of wisdom and self preservation gained in the past 8 years!
C) Clarification.
a. “Being Skeeved” and “Being Frightened” are how I reacted to these two particular situations. I am NOT saying those are the “right” reactions - just that they were my reactions. Your reactions in those same situations may be totally different.
b. Looking at these two incidents together, I am fairly amused that the incident where I was actually restrained and touched only skeeved me while the incident where the threat was never voiced and I was never touched still gives me nightmares. Let’s hear it for “stranger danger” still lurking in my psyche.
2) I believe HarmonyFB is correct in situations when you are skeeved.
For Example: If you are told there is a party and people are watching DVD extras only to be confronted by an orgy when the door is opened. And your internal voice says “Ewwwww! Icky! Icky! Icky! I did NOT sign on for this!” then I would suggest the phrase “Oh, Hell No!” followed by you turning on your heel and walking away. See, you get skeeved - you say something and/or remove yourself.
3) It is a mad, bad, dangerous world. You have to protect yourself as best you can.
A. There is a difference between “Blaming the Victim” or “Slut Shaming” and acknowledging that a person can make a series of poor choices leading them into a dangerous situation.
i. Example: (This is actually what happened to one of my friends as she related it to me.) A college girl goes to a frat party with a group of her friends. All of them are planning on getting “Seriously Wasted”! She drinks herself into a blackout. The next morning she wakes up in her dorm room with no idea how she got home. She’s sore and has bruises in places that she really doesn’t want to think about. Worse, she can’t remember what happened. She feels violated and dirty and hung over and sick in ways that have nothing to do with alcohol.
1. Is it her fault? No! 100 times No! It is not her fault that some predator took advantage of her. It is his fault. 100% full stop. His fault. (Sadly, she never did figure out who he was. Her friends had been too drunk to notice who took her home, and her roommate had stayed at the frat house.)
2. Did she make a series of poor choices that placed her in a dangerous situation? Yes.
a. She went to a party and thought she’d be safe because she was with her friends.
b. She drank with the intention of getting as drunk as possible and figured nothing would happen to her because nothing had ever happened to her before.
c. She didn’t have anyone watching out for her and she placed herself in a situation where she couldn’t watch out for herself.
d. It is a hard lesson and she paid a very dear price for it.
3. Clarification: Poor choices don’t always lead to danger and danger doesn’t always wait for poor choices. You can lock your doors, never take the stairs, always have a security person walk you to your car, never jog alone, always have a sober friend watching your back when you are drinking, etc… You can take EVERY precaution and still be raped/attacked/abused.
4. Another Clarification: Cautioning women against poor decisions does NOT equal blaming the victim.
a. Example: If I say “Don’t accept drinks in open containers at a party.” I am NOT blaming women who have been drugged and raped in the past for their assault. I am not suggesting they somehow go back in time and make a different choice (Gods know if they COULD go back in time and make a different choice - they WOULD). I am merely trying to keep other women from living through that same nightmare.
B. This is the point that will most likely have me flamed. I am going to say it anyway. If you are a sexual trauma survivor - the world is not going to made safe to accommodate you. You are responsible for managing your own triggers.
i. If you know you are triggered by movies depicting abuse, rape, violence, etc… It is YOUR responsibility to ASK someone who has seen the movie before you go.
ii. If YOU are triggered by non-con/dub-con scenes in fanfic - it is YOUR responsibility to check the warnings. If there aren’t any warnings - YOU are the one who makes the call if you are going to read that story or not. If you read it and are then triggered by a scene in that story - it is NOT ok to bitch about the author “tricking you” by not adding warnings. Lots of authors and communities add warnings. Stick to them or accept that YOU have made a choice to read something that MIGHT trigger you.
iii. If you know you are easily triggered in social situations - then it is your responsibility to have a friend watching out for you. If some guy leering at you and standing too close while hitting on you is likely to send you into a corner to hyperventilate - then you need to bring a friend who is willing to run interference and/or get you out of the room.
iv. Clarification - Does this mean you will never be triggered? No. Does it mean you are a bad or weak person for being triggered? No. But, if you KNOW that a, b, and c trigger you - then you should limit your exposure to a, b, and c as best you can. Because the world isn’t going to get rid of a, b, and c.
C. Fandom is still part of the world. Conventions are still part of the world. There is no magic barrier that keeps danger outside. We try to make fandom and fandom events as open and safe as possible. But, getting really drunk at a convention places you in the same danger as getting really drunk at a huge party filled with people you only kind of know.
The comments are open. Feel free to agree, disagree, discuss, or ignore as you see fit.