Rocked out of my body, Freed from my mind, bleed infront of you
I don't know how to function at this point. My mind has splintered of late with many little voices telling me what to do. Just so you know, that was both literally and figuratively true. There is a voice telling me to burn every bridge I think stands on shaky ground. To re-invent myself as a renegade. Say fuck it to everyone and truly and honestly pursue all my secret and silent ambitions. Things people barely know about me. Quiet nasty things hidden in the blackest corners of my mind. But that be as crazy as the voices in my head. Very thoroughly inappropriate and reprehensible.
There is another voice telling me how hideous I am. Yeah yeah. Don't fucking call me emo. Don't you fucking dare open your mouth and try to say it. Don't mouth the damn syllables. I am warning you. I will beat you to an inch of your life. Cause I don't need anyone's shit. I have had a month of hell and I am tired of everyone's god damn shenanigans. Ok? OK?! Anyway, I can't stand how terrible my internal body image is and how I mask it with quick face value fixes. I need to finally really take everyone's advice and say "Fuck you, I am a beautiful girl." Not just to everyone else. But myself.
Sometimes I think I cut/used to cut because I was so angry at myself. Like, mad at myself for lying to myself. For doing drugs. For ruining 3 yrs of my life. For never actually applying myself. For not coming out as a girl sooner. For purposely sabotaging my life because I trick myself into thinking I will never amount to anything in life. For not treating my body right and staying healthy. For not taking medications to make my life better. For constantly believing my parents. Believing them when they said "Trans people are lower than dirt....trans people have no real friends and no one will really love me...my friends just talk shit about me behind my back....my friends are my friends because they pity on me....I am trans because I have no self respect....trans people are nothing but fagots........."
Sorry.....I can't write anymore....
//////just hold me close, wipe the blood out of my tears, tell me i am wonderful. kiss my forehead, whisper in my ears, tell me i am going to be ok. rock me to sleep, close my eyes, tell me my nightmare will stop. just>make>me>real\\\\\\\
Charlie P "Somewhere over the rainbow(dubstep remix)"
There is another voice telling me how hideous I am. Yeah yeah. Don't fucking call me emo. Don't you fucking dare open your mouth and try to say it. Don't mouth the damn syllables. I am warning you. I will beat you to an inch of your life. Cause I don't need anyone's shit. I have had a month of hell and I am tired of everyone's god damn shenanigans. Ok? OK?! Anyway, I can't stand how terrible my internal body image is and how I mask it with quick face value fixes. I need to finally really take everyone's advice and say "Fuck you, I am a beautiful girl." Not just to everyone else. But myself.
Sometimes I think I cut/used to cut because I was so angry at myself. Like, mad at myself for lying to myself. For doing drugs. For ruining 3 yrs of my life. For never actually applying myself. For not coming out as a girl sooner. For purposely sabotaging my life because I trick myself into thinking I will never amount to anything in life. For not treating my body right and staying healthy. For not taking medications to make my life better. For constantly believing my parents. Believing them when they said "Trans people are lower than dirt....trans people have no real friends and no one will really love me...my friends just talk shit about me behind my back....my friends are my friends because they pity on me....I am trans because I have no self respect....trans people are nothing but fagots........."
Sorry.....I can't write anymore....
//////just hold me close, wipe the blood out of my tears, tell me i am wonderful. kiss my forehead, whisper in my ears, tell me i am going to be ok. rock me to sleep, close my eyes, tell me my nightmare will stop. just>make>me>real\\\\\\\
Charlie P "Somewhere over the rainbow(dubstep remix)"
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