Things are happening and I don't know how I feel about them
Hey everybody. In case any of you haven't realized yet, I am a very depressed person at the moment. I am not going to make any bones about it and I am not going to apologize for it anymore. I am not trying to be emo. I am not trying to broadcast how shitty my life is at the moment. But I am starting to get the feeling that everyone may be starting to feel that enough is enough already. Well guess what? Anyone who feels that way can piss off. Because I can't help how I feel. At least give me some credit for having stopped cutting.
So, I recently had a horribly male feeling day. In response, what did I do? I went into my underwear drawer and proceeded to destroy almost every pair of boxers I owned. My parents, furious that I had done such a thing, told me I had to spend my money to replace what I destroyed. Ok, fair enough. I went to the mall and bought panties and briefs from American Apparel. I didn't say anything to them about what I bought. I just bought it. So the other day my mom was putting my laundry away and saw what now populated my underwear drawer. She and dad flipped a shit. Once again, they decided to impart their own special brand of identity shattering wisdom. I was told I was a worthless friendless freak. They went on a tirade about how I have no real friends, how no one like cross dressers and she-males especially ones who don't even look like women like me. And right on cue I retreated to my room, sat on my bed, and curled up into a ball and cried. Well more like I wailed and sobbed.
Its just that like....I always taught myself if you do good unto others good will happen to you. And while I never helped friends and strangers and the such for a reward I am wondering when my good is happening. I am not going to sit here and lie and say I am this amazing person. I get that bad karma is eventually going to come my way. But, honestly, when does it stop?! When does karma realize it just isn't funny anymore? I am not asking for acceptance, just to be fucking left the fuck alone to be myself.
Furthermore, my love life is in the shitter. I currently am courting two people to no avail. One is a wonderful girl who is a tremendous flake while the other is a talented boy with no idea what he wants. And honestly, I would be the happiest girl alive if I could have either one. But I don't have either one. As I get closer the girl the less reliable and flakier she gets and its starting to cause bruising.
Back to the gender front I have come to few more depressing revelations. One of them is pretty simple, sad, and pathetic. I have been slacking on working out so that I won't be able to pass. How fucked up is that?! The other ones are as simple as coming to terms that while I always imagined myself in an alternate reality as being a girly girl....I were never get to be that. Oh, and as far as HRT is going, I am still at the lowest dosage possible. So much for a successful endo visit.
The saddest thing is the highlight of my days are getting out the house for whatever menial about of time can manage. Whether it be for work or hanging out with friends. It doesn't matter. And those moments don't even make me happy or relieved. All they do now is make me feel less like I am being crushed and more aware fo how crappy things are.
On a brighter note, the other day was anniversary of sobriety. Its been a decent number of years since I've done heroin. I celebrated with Dana, which cheered me up for a bit. Oh, and I finally earned Zombie Genocidist in L4D. Wow, thats great. One of the happiest things for me was earning an achievement in a video game.
I am out...
"One More Chance" Bloc Party
So, I recently had a horribly male feeling day. In response, what did I do? I went into my underwear drawer and proceeded to destroy almost every pair of boxers I owned. My parents, furious that I had done such a thing, told me I had to spend my money to replace what I destroyed. Ok, fair enough. I went to the mall and bought panties and briefs from American Apparel. I didn't say anything to them about what I bought. I just bought it. So the other day my mom was putting my laundry away and saw what now populated my underwear drawer. She and dad flipped a shit. Once again, they decided to impart their own special brand of identity shattering wisdom. I was told I was a worthless friendless freak. They went on a tirade about how I have no real friends, how no one like cross dressers and she-males especially ones who don't even look like women like me. And right on cue I retreated to my room, sat on my bed, and curled up into a ball and cried. Well more like I wailed and sobbed.
Its just that like....I always taught myself if you do good unto others good will happen to you. And while I never helped friends and strangers and the such for a reward I am wondering when my good is happening. I am not going to sit here and lie and say I am this amazing person. I get that bad karma is eventually going to come my way. But, honestly, when does it stop?! When does karma realize it just isn't funny anymore? I am not asking for acceptance, just to be fucking left the fuck alone to be myself.
Furthermore, my love life is in the shitter. I currently am courting two people to no avail. One is a wonderful girl who is a tremendous flake while the other is a talented boy with no idea what he wants. And honestly, I would be the happiest girl alive if I could have either one. But I don't have either one. As I get closer the girl the less reliable and flakier she gets and its starting to cause bruising.
Back to the gender front I have come to few more depressing revelations. One of them is pretty simple, sad, and pathetic. I have been slacking on working out so that I won't be able to pass. How fucked up is that?! The other ones are as simple as coming to terms that while I always imagined myself in an alternate reality as being a girly girl....I were never get to be that. Oh, and as far as HRT is going, I am still at the lowest dosage possible. So much for a successful endo visit.
The saddest thing is the highlight of my days are getting out the house for whatever menial about of time can manage. Whether it be for work or hanging out with friends. It doesn't matter. And those moments don't even make me happy or relieved. All they do now is make me feel less like I am being crushed and more aware fo how crappy things are.
On a brighter note, the other day was anniversary of sobriety. Its been a decent number of years since I've done heroin. I celebrated with Dana, which cheered me up for a bit. Oh, and I finally earned Zombie Genocidist in L4D. Wow, thats great. One of the happiest things for me was earning an achievement in a video game.
I am out...
"One More Chance" Bloc Party
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