Grrrr.

[leo9]

Blah is how I feel. I am incredibly poor at this point in time. Normally, that does not bother me toooo much, but I have all kindsa overdue bills and stuff. This sucks. On the pseudo-upside, I got a job; I walked into Denny's on El Toro, and got hired. Unfortunately, I will still have to get another job to pay the bills, because Denny's only has so many hours available, and I think they are all on weekends. Denny's is gonna be S.O.L. come Faire season. I have my priorities, and I don't care what the hell any of you think. I will die of starvation before I give up my sanity. GRRrrRRargh! I can't believe how icky I feel right now. I don't care that I am rambling for all the world to see; that is the key point: I don't care. I need to care, but I don't know what to care about. It feels like there is no point to anything. I don't understand why things can't be a little easier. I think I am a decent person, for the most part, I have not killed anyone. Why is it that me and my family have it so gods blasted hard as far as money goes. I don't remember a time when we had little to worry about. I have always felt like we are under pressure. And I watch folks who have money get cars for their kids, and the kids have the balls to bitch about their McFricken FREE CARS!!! I am still paying for my car.. and as much as I love it, it tends to be a hunk o' junk. It has maxed out my credit card essentially, and was a big part of me having no money. I barely have $$ for gas to get to school. I depend on the kindness of strangers and idiots to feed me and get me around. I hate borrowing money, because I hate to owe money. At least with the government, I don't feel bad about owing money. I can gripe about the stupid gov't all I want. But I have to feel guilty when I owe a friend money. ARGH!!

And don't get me started on love, and all the quirky stuff therein. I can never decide if I am happy or not that I am single. I listen to my friends bitch about boy/girlfriends, and I feel glad I don't have to deal with it. But I start feeling lonely and depressed when surrounded by happy couples. Especially when I like those couples, and I think they are good for each other for the most part. I just feel more crappy and lonely.

I don't know how to motivate myself to get my ass in gear and get a real life. I am going to school, but I am afraid I am not doing very well. Maybe I am, but I hold myself to high standards. Who knows. I sure as hell don't.