For the second day in a row? Surely not!
As this is already my second update in two days I would like to call my new plan of updating a success - sort of. Perhaps the beginning of a success because it will all be dependent on what happens after this, wont it?
I am happy to say that I actually feel better after my seemingly endless rants from before. I’ve known for a long time that I bottle things up and tend to hold things too close to the chest. It wasn’t how I was raised, not really, but that’s who I grew up to be. I’m sure it is a factor of combination of things - school aged bullying and negative peer responses when I did share my feelings or thoughts, growing insecurities about my appearance which bled over to affect me mentally and emotionally, and all of the trials my family had to go through with my father being diagnosed with MS when I was a toddler.
I have some memories of him when he was “normal,” but I’m not sure if that helps or just makes the end result that much worse, that much more impacting on my life. My sister was a new born still when he was diagnosed and so that is the only side to him she has ever known. I envy her in a way, longing for some kind of naivety to shield me from the awful truths this world holds in store for me. I have come to accept the fact that this will never be the case. For the most part I tend to be very aware of what is taking place around me, needing to know the truth even if it is gory and bloody and disgusting so it turns my stomach.
Speaking of my sister, I haven’t spoken to her in over a year. The last time was through a private message on World of Warcraft while she was still inhabiting the same server that Christine and I use when we play, and I don’t even remember the conversation except for it might have been something to do with our parents. Even that is foggy to me. I still hold a lot of anger toward her which I think would have passed by now into a kind of uncaring knowledge of her existence except that I keep getting pulled in again and again.
She was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). However, this diagnosis comes from medical doctors not specialized in the field of mental health medicine and treatment. It is because of her illness that my parents contact me about once every six months to let me know of her activities, her latest crimes against them and those around her, asking me for help. I understand the illness and I understand the actions of the person with the illness. For some reason it seems that my parents have simply either neglected to educate themselves or they refuse to do so and rely on me for guidance when things get out of their control.
The last “episode” was a couple of months ago when she was visiting her fiancé in Florida where he lives. From the information I was told, he had been scheduled for a court date regarding vandalism to another's property (and this isn’t the first time that she’s picked a real winner to date), so she assumed that this was taking away attention from her. In a complete 180 to how she had been behaving previously, she started to freak out , called him by her ex-boyfriend’s name, substituted his court situation for her ex’s and then called the police and accused him of raping her. Of course, as I had suspected, this wasn’t the case. However, the only thing my mother heard was a partial phone call from her fiancé ending in the police entering his home and arresting him.
Everything ended up being fine and he wasn’t arrested, but my sister was committed to a hospital again for her mental breakdown. While I do fully understand the illness and the symptoms that accompany it, I just can’t believe or understand the selfishness that comes from her. I know others who live with BPD and are not medicated or seeking professional help like she supposedly is now, and they function like normal adults, aware of the feelings of others and aware of themselves and how their actions make them appear to the world. I believe the problem may lie in how my parents have always babied her, given into her demands and are now allowing the this behavior to rule their home where she contributes nothing except maybe vacuuming the rugs when they harp on her to do so.
What makes me most angry I think is the way she is a leech on tax payers. After high school she enlisted into the Army, never mind being fully aware of physical limitations she had that would most likely would make it so she wouldn't finish training. Lo and behold, she didn't finish and was given a medical discharge due to an "injury" she received during Basic Training. It's all bullshit, and now I am having to pay for her to continue living off of government resources, getting free medical care from the VA that I also have to pay for, and she doesn't have to hold down a real job like an adult. The injustice of it all toward me and fellow tax payers is incredible.
When she was first discharged she did have a job. She worked part time at a credit union which she claimed to love. After ONE scene from another co-worker she flipped her shit and quit. The problem with that is no one actually knows for sure what happened as she has been known to lie. A lot. Then she worked in a grocery store's deli department, a job which I told her she wouldn't be able to handle because of dealing directly with the public in a customer service capacity. She has never had the tough skin for it, and lo and behold not even a month after working there she quit because ONE customer got under her skin.
Take all of this, add an abusive boyfriend that she defended even after coming to me for advice, ASKING ME for advice, and then spitting it back in my face... I just don't like who she is as a person. This isn't the same girl I grew up with, not really. She had always been spoiled, always been a brat, but she took it to an entirely new level that I could have never imagined.
I don't even want to continue my morning like this, so I can't talk about her anymore. Even just the random thought about her is enough to send me into a mood from which I cannot recover, and it can just be so tiring emotionally and physically being an angry person. I wish I could say that this new idea of blogging it all out will cure me but like I said before, I'm a realist.
I am happy to say that I actually feel better after my seemingly endless rants from before. I’ve known for a long time that I bottle things up and tend to hold things too close to the chest. It wasn’t how I was raised, not really, but that’s who I grew up to be. I’m sure it is a factor of combination of things - school aged bullying and negative peer responses when I did share my feelings or thoughts, growing insecurities about my appearance which bled over to affect me mentally and emotionally, and all of the trials my family had to go through with my father being diagnosed with MS when I was a toddler.
I have some memories of him when he was “normal,” but I’m not sure if that helps or just makes the end result that much worse, that much more impacting on my life. My sister was a new born still when he was diagnosed and so that is the only side to him she has ever known. I envy her in a way, longing for some kind of naivety to shield me from the awful truths this world holds in store for me. I have come to accept the fact that this will never be the case. For the most part I tend to be very aware of what is taking place around me, needing to know the truth even if it is gory and bloody and disgusting so it turns my stomach.
Speaking of my sister, I haven’t spoken to her in over a year. The last time was through a private message on World of Warcraft while she was still inhabiting the same server that Christine and I use when we play, and I don’t even remember the conversation except for it might have been something to do with our parents. Even that is foggy to me. I still hold a lot of anger toward her which I think would have passed by now into a kind of uncaring knowledge of her existence except that I keep getting pulled in again and again.
She was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). However, this diagnosis comes from medical doctors not specialized in the field of mental health medicine and treatment. It is because of her illness that my parents contact me about once every six months to let me know of her activities, her latest crimes against them and those around her, asking me for help. I understand the illness and I understand the actions of the person with the illness. For some reason it seems that my parents have simply either neglected to educate themselves or they refuse to do so and rely on me for guidance when things get out of their control.
The last “episode” was a couple of months ago when she was visiting her fiancé in Florida where he lives. From the information I was told, he had been scheduled for a court date regarding vandalism to another's property (and this isn’t the first time that she’s picked a real winner to date), so she assumed that this was taking away attention from her. In a complete 180 to how she had been behaving previously, she started to freak out , called him by her ex-boyfriend’s name, substituted his court situation for her ex’s and then called the police and accused him of raping her. Of course, as I had suspected, this wasn’t the case. However, the only thing my mother heard was a partial phone call from her fiancé ending in the police entering his home and arresting him.
Everything ended up being fine and he wasn’t arrested, but my sister was committed to a hospital again for her mental breakdown. While I do fully understand the illness and the symptoms that accompany it, I just can’t believe or understand the selfishness that comes from her. I know others who live with BPD and are not medicated or seeking professional help like she supposedly is now, and they function like normal adults, aware of the feelings of others and aware of themselves and how their actions make them appear to the world. I believe the problem may lie in how my parents have always babied her, given into her demands and are now allowing the this behavior to rule their home where she contributes nothing except maybe vacuuming the rugs when they harp on her to do so.
What makes me most angry I think is the way she is a leech on tax payers. After high school she enlisted into the Army, never mind being fully aware of physical limitations she had that would most likely would make it so she wouldn't finish training. Lo and behold, she didn't finish and was given a medical discharge due to an "injury" she received during Basic Training. It's all bullshit, and now I am having to pay for her to continue living off of government resources, getting free medical care from the VA that I also have to pay for, and she doesn't have to hold down a real job like an adult. The injustice of it all toward me and fellow tax payers is incredible.
When she was first discharged she did have a job. She worked part time at a credit union which she claimed to love. After ONE scene from another co-worker she flipped her shit and quit. The problem with that is no one actually knows for sure what happened as she has been known to lie. A lot. Then she worked in a grocery store's deli department, a job which I told her she wouldn't be able to handle because of dealing directly with the public in a customer service capacity. She has never had the tough skin for it, and lo and behold not even a month after working there she quit because ONE customer got under her skin.
Take all of this, add an abusive boyfriend that she defended even after coming to me for advice, ASKING ME for advice, and then spitting it back in my face... I just don't like who she is as a person. This isn't the same girl I grew up with, not really. She had always been spoiled, always been a brat, but she took it to an entirely new level that I could have never imagined.
I don't even want to continue my morning like this, so I can't talk about her anymore. Even just the random thought about her is enough to send me into a mood from which I cannot recover, and it can just be so tiring emotionally and physically being an angry person. I wish I could say that this new idea of blogging it all out will cure me but like I said before, I'm a realist.