friday night let down

[lemon_undies]

well hm.. lets see. last night i was supposed to have an amazing time but as ash would say, god hates me. first jill josh tom and i were supposed to go to the movies and then tom couldnt go. so i didn't want to go and feel weird. so then josh was like HEY EVERYONE COME HERE. so jill and i did that. i didn't want to go, but i did. and i had a horrible time. its probably my own damn fault but i just felt out of place and like i didn't even need to be there.. it was like okay we'll have alley there because she has no other friends? ugh. i am so tired of feeling so god damn alone all the time. i hate myself more every day and its getting to the point where i cant handle it. and ya know when you just feel alone and like you're going to snap? last night i barely talked. i guess thats my own problem, but what was i to say? i didn't have much to say. josh's mom was talking to us and i answered her and that was the most i talked. i love jill and i love josh, but next time they all get together its going to have to be without me. i was just sitting there and josh's dog was my best friend of the evening. which is all well and good. i want jill and josh to be happy. i really do, but its not necessary for me to be there just to feel weird and hate myself. low self-esteem much? i guess. and his friends are nice, they didn't talk to me much, i guess thats my fault too because i'm too damn shy *aka self conscious* and then i think, i could've went to cape may, but i didnt. i wanted to hang out with my friends instead of cry all weekend. and hey whatta know, I FEEL WORSE THAN I DID. i hate this. i need to snap out of this. i know i'm ranting, but thats what this stupid thing is for. and yeah i was a little upset tom couldnt hang out. who wouldnt be.he was my ticket to feel comfortable at the movies, and then i look at lauren's lj, and her and her friends hada blast last night, WHY CANT I HAVE THAT? why cant i be happy when everyone else is? ugh. i hate myself.

someone just shoot me

xo ajb