For Immediate Release: Management Issues New Rules for Household.
New household rules will apply equally to adults and children, excepting residents under the age of two (2) who cannot be disciplined due to ill nature of Petty Badgers.
1. Residents who dress out of laundry hampers instead of putting clean clothes away will be issued one t-shirt, one pair of shorts, and one pair of socks that they may wear until clothing is put away. If they start to smell, that's their problem, not that of management.
2. Children who persist in squatting on the bench like Dickensian orphans to eat meals will be provided with meals fit for orphans. Enjoy your gruel or sit on your ass.
3. Any resident who leaves food or ketchup on a plate and merely runs water onto the plate in the sink rather than either (1) putting plate in the dishwasher, or (2) if dishwasher is full, SCRAPING THE FOOD INTO THE TRASH OMG IT ISN'T THAT HARD, may expect to do dishes at next opportunity or be served the following meal ON THE GROSS PLATE. Adult male residents are NOT EXEMPT from this rule.
4. Residents who leave water bottles in cars/on bedside tables/in bedroom/in backpacks/in Daddy-packs are invited to drink from cupped hands until all bottles are returned to the kitchen.
5. Residents who leave shoes ALL OVER THE HOUSE or maliciously tucked under the foot of my bed where I will crack my toes against your lead-lined work shoes will notice that their shoes are disappearing in the Management Bank, and may be purchased back.
6. Residents who leave piles of paper, including bills, drawings, random scraps, et. al., will be pelted with spitballs made from paper of contention.
7. The Captain's ladder in the hallway may be used to DRY a swimsuit or towel if all other drying possibilities (shower rail, towel rack) are taken. IT IS NOT STORAGE FOR SWIMSUITS FOR INDEFINITE PERIODS. Swimsuits left on ladder for longer than the necessary drying period will be confiscated. The swimsuits that have been on the ladder since last Saturday are in imminent danger.
8. Management is NOT RESPONSIBLE for location of electronic devices, and will not help you look. Rule applies to toys in general. If Management didn't play with it, Management doesn't know where it is.
9. Residents who continue to leave Dangerous Items on Badger-accessible surfaces AFTER REPEATED REQUESTS NOT TO DO SO will be instructed to chew on Items of Contention for period specified by management, generally in proportion to how long Badger had said items in her possession. Management is absolved of responsibility for viruses contracted from change, unpleasant flavor of deodorant, piquant nature of tea tree oil, or permanence of Sharpies.
10. Resident who inform siblings "I saw a bug in your bed" in order to freak siblings out, or who chase Badgers with Terrifying Talking Yoda Dolls, will have palmetto bug dropped down shirt collar at next available opportunity.
New rules are applicable immediately and non-negotiable. Management reserves the right to be alternately capricious and tyrannical in application of rules. Management is not subject to democracy; Management is a benevolent dictator.
1. Residents who dress out of laundry hampers instead of putting clean clothes away will be issued one t-shirt, one pair of shorts, and one pair of socks that they may wear until clothing is put away. If they start to smell, that's their problem, not that of management.
2. Children who persist in squatting on the bench like Dickensian orphans to eat meals will be provided with meals fit for orphans. Enjoy your gruel or sit on your ass.
3. Any resident who leaves food or ketchup on a plate and merely runs water onto the plate in the sink rather than either (1) putting plate in the dishwasher, or (2) if dishwasher is full, SCRAPING THE FOOD INTO THE TRASH OMG IT ISN'T THAT HARD, may expect to do dishes at next opportunity or be served the following meal ON THE GROSS PLATE. Adult male residents are NOT EXEMPT from this rule.
4. Residents who leave water bottles in cars/on bedside tables/in bedroom/in backpacks/in Daddy-packs are invited to drink from cupped hands until all bottles are returned to the kitchen.
5. Residents who leave shoes ALL OVER THE HOUSE or maliciously tucked under the foot of my bed where I will crack my toes against your lead-lined work shoes will notice that their shoes are disappearing in the Management Bank, and may be purchased back.
6. Residents who leave piles of paper, including bills, drawings, random scraps, et. al., will be pelted with spitballs made from paper of contention.
7. The Captain's ladder in the hallway may be used to DRY a swimsuit or towel if all other drying possibilities (shower rail, towel rack) are taken. IT IS NOT STORAGE FOR SWIMSUITS FOR INDEFINITE PERIODS. Swimsuits left on ladder for longer than the necessary drying period will be confiscated. The swimsuits that have been on the ladder since last Saturday are in imminent danger.
8. Management is NOT RESPONSIBLE for location of electronic devices, and will not help you look. Rule applies to toys in general. If Management didn't play with it, Management doesn't know where it is.
9. Residents who continue to leave Dangerous Items on Badger-accessible surfaces AFTER REPEATED REQUESTS NOT TO DO SO will be instructed to chew on Items of Contention for period specified by management, generally in proportion to how long Badger had said items in her possession. Management is absolved of responsibility for viruses contracted from change, unpleasant flavor of deodorant, piquant nature of tea tree oil, or permanence of Sharpies.
10. Resident who inform siblings "I saw a bug in your bed" in order to freak siblings out, or who chase Badgers with Terrifying Talking Yoda Dolls, will have palmetto bug dropped down shirt collar at next available opportunity.
New rules are applicable immediately and non-negotiable. Management reserves the right to be alternately capricious and tyrannical in application of rules. Management is not subject to democracy; Management is a benevolent dictator.