(no subject)
I find it impossible to sleep the day that Matt leaves. Reading Days came and went, and I had some of the best sleep ever in Matt's arms. Now it's 4am and I find myself again sleepless. It will get better as the days pass and my life doesn't feel like it's been plucked of Matt, but it will never go away until he is back here again with me, holding me.
It's hard missing someone when they are around. That's how I felt these last few days. Every minute I spent with Matt just reminded me that it was one less minute we had together. I felt the need to make every minute worth something... but all I could do was fall in his arms and be swept away. Before I knew it, it was Sunday, and I was standing by his car with my arms around his neck and his around my waist, crying into his shoulder. I won't see him again for another 3 weeks or so. Can we do this for two years?
Every time I ask myself that question, I realize just how much I care about him. While it hurts to only see him here and there and the thought of spending 2 more years like this just makes me want to lie down and cry, I can't imagine my life without him. I want to make this work more than anything. What is 2 years of separation compared to a lifetime together? I think Matt and I are the kind of people who could make this work-- if our jealous natures don't get in the way. But I think we've really gotten to a point where we trust each other. I realized this today, as I was reflecting on my feelings about him living with Erica. I remember at first being so upset at the idea. I was convinced it could only end in disaster. Then when I helped him move his stuff in and noticed how kind Erica was to me and how she seemed to consider me a good friend, most of my fears of her drunkenly seducing him went away. But, even then, I was trusting Erica- not Matt. It took me this long to realize that Matt is the one I should trust, even as hard as it is for me to trust men. I'm not going to deny that shit happens, to anyone and everyone indiscriminately, but I truly do believe that Matt is a great person and would never consciously cheat on me. If I'm wrong, I will probably never be able to extend my trust to another man. But I hope that this time I'm placing my trust in the right man.
Dawn's pale rose fingers are a mere couple of hours from brushing the sky... will I be able to sleep before she awakens?
It's hard missing someone when they are around. That's how I felt these last few days. Every minute I spent with Matt just reminded me that it was one less minute we had together. I felt the need to make every minute worth something... but all I could do was fall in his arms and be swept away. Before I knew it, it was Sunday, and I was standing by his car with my arms around his neck and his around my waist, crying into his shoulder. I won't see him again for another 3 weeks or so. Can we do this for two years?
Every time I ask myself that question, I realize just how much I care about him. While it hurts to only see him here and there and the thought of spending 2 more years like this just makes me want to lie down and cry, I can't imagine my life without him. I want to make this work more than anything. What is 2 years of separation compared to a lifetime together? I think Matt and I are the kind of people who could make this work-- if our jealous natures don't get in the way. But I think we've really gotten to a point where we trust each other. I realized this today, as I was reflecting on my feelings about him living with Erica. I remember at first being so upset at the idea. I was convinced it could only end in disaster. Then when I helped him move his stuff in and noticed how kind Erica was to me and how she seemed to consider me a good friend, most of my fears of her drunkenly seducing him went away. But, even then, I was trusting Erica- not Matt. It took me this long to realize that Matt is the one I should trust, even as hard as it is for me to trust men. I'm not going to deny that shit happens, to anyone and everyone indiscriminately, but I truly do believe that Matt is a great person and would never consciously cheat on me. If I'm wrong, I will probably never be able to extend my trust to another man. But I hope that this time I'm placing my trust in the right man.
Dawn's pale rose fingers are a mere couple of hours from brushing the sky... will I be able to sleep before she awakens?