ascents and descents
The fun I had today told me something. I want to someday have that job I used to pretend to have when I was a little kid: teaching. It's something that has been in me for a long time, lying dormant. Some fool put the idea in my head again. But I guess I never had any confidence in myself. I'm scared to death of speaking in public... and to be expected to KNOW things, to have ALL the answers... that's even more terrifying. But today I had a very small experience with teaching, and I felt this fire inside me. I felt like by teaching I was learning even more about myself and about other humans. I didn't just want to give out answers, I wanted to challenge people. I've never seen myself in that light before... I don't think I've ever had the right approach to challenging people. It's been a struggle for me. That's why I was so surprised that it came more naturally to me today than in the past. I felt completely calm. I could see this path of how I was going to take the students from one question to another, leading them to the answer. And I could feel it working. There were still rough spots, but for the most part I felt like I was doing what I'm meant to be doing... what I want to be doing.
Then down down down. Suddenly (about 4 hours later) I found myself being smothered by myself. I heard my professor saying that one student had left 3 entire pages blank on the test we had Tuesday... his example of a student who had apparently done worse than the rest... and I knew at that moment that it was me. An automatic 75 points off. What happened? How did I fail to re-teach myself statistics? I could blame it on the professor and say the test was too long... but if everyone else did so much better, then... it's me who sucks.
That's all.
Then down down down. Suddenly (about 4 hours later) I found myself being smothered by myself. I heard my professor saying that one student had left 3 entire pages blank on the test we had Tuesday... his example of a student who had apparently done worse than the rest... and I knew at that moment that it was me. An automatic 75 points off. What happened? How did I fail to re-teach myself statistics? I could blame it on the professor and say the test was too long... but if everyone else did so much better, then... it's me who sucks.
That's all.