(no subject)
So it's been a while...
My life has been a complete mess lately. Everything has been insane.
Work has been so busy that before last week I almost had a nervous breakdown, and was on the virge of quitting and living off my savings as long as they lasted. My boss actually sent me home early Friday before last because I was freaking out about my workload - which in turn made me freak out a bit more because there was so much that wasn't going to get done if I left an hour early. I have been deemed the "go-to-girl" by basically everyone in my department because I am, apparently, the only person who is good at anything. Things have calmed down since that Friday though. Probably because I basically freaked out and said I was considering just quitting, and (as I have been told my many co-workers) they "need me". I just don't understand why they think that I am Super Woman just because I am competent, and I work hard. I know this doesn't make sense to anyone but me, but being good at everything I do at work is a fucking curse.
On the band forefront - the child of a drummer we have is basically out of the band. He was over an hour late to the last show (arriving 15 minutes after we were supposed to start our set), and then proceeded to drop off the face of the planet for 2 weeks. He comes back all "I have been going through some difficult times" and basically acts like he's done nothing wrong by completely cutting off contact to us for 2 weeks... Then, after a couple of really good practices, just as I am about to forgive him, he is "sick" says he's going to be late to practice, and never shows up. I haven't heard from him since and we have a show a week from today. I think I am going to KILL him. He is driving me up the wall. As if I didn't have enough stress in my life already.
As for my personal life, there is definitely something amiss with Chris and me. Not because we fight, or hate each other, or anything, but about half the time I just feel like there's nothing between us anymore. I am 83% sure the he doesn't love me - which I have deduced by the fact that he hasn't said it in probably over a year - and I think that I may even be OK with that. I just don't know for sure what is going on with him. He will go weeks and weeks without so much as grazing me as we walk past each other, and then all of a sudden he's all cuddly and friendly. I don't want to deal with it anymore. We have had the "what happens to the band if we break-up" talk (which is pretty much the first sign...) and I think we would still be friends. I think I would rather stay in a bad relationship with him than not be friends. The real problem is I don't know if it is a bad relationship, or if I am just doing what I always do and making it seem like it is.
I have just had this overwhelming feeling that I need to get out lately. I keep saying over and over in my head that I want to go home - no matter where I am. I just need to get away from everything that I have here. I realized the other day that I have had that feeling off and on for basically my entire life, which is really disconcerting considering what I want is to up and leave, and be a completely different person. I guess I feel like I am locked into where I am, and I don't want to be. My job is practically taking over my life, my band is stressing me out (although I still feel like we're somehow going places), and my boyfriend doesn't love me. Plus I have no space of my own (it's taken me 3 days to write this because I only have 10 minutes while Chris is in the shower... which is why it probably makes no sense...) and I'm going insane.
I've always thought that I was meant for bigger and better things. I just don't know if that's true.
I don't know what I'm talking about anymore.
Blah.
-kitten =v_v=
My life has been a complete mess lately. Everything has been insane.
Work has been so busy that before last week I almost had a nervous breakdown, and was on the virge of quitting and living off my savings as long as they lasted. My boss actually sent me home early Friday before last because I was freaking out about my workload - which in turn made me freak out a bit more because there was so much that wasn't going to get done if I left an hour early. I have been deemed the "go-to-girl" by basically everyone in my department because I am, apparently, the only person who is good at anything. Things have calmed down since that Friday though. Probably because I basically freaked out and said I was considering just quitting, and (as I have been told my many co-workers) they "need me". I just don't understand why they think that I am Super Woman just because I am competent, and I work hard. I know this doesn't make sense to anyone but me, but being good at everything I do at work is a fucking curse.
On the band forefront - the child of a drummer we have is basically out of the band. He was over an hour late to the last show (arriving 15 minutes after we were supposed to start our set), and then proceeded to drop off the face of the planet for 2 weeks. He comes back all "I have been going through some difficult times" and basically acts like he's done nothing wrong by completely cutting off contact to us for 2 weeks... Then, after a couple of really good practices, just as I am about to forgive him, he is "sick" says he's going to be late to practice, and never shows up. I haven't heard from him since and we have a show a week from today. I think I am going to KILL him. He is driving me up the wall. As if I didn't have enough stress in my life already.
As for my personal life, there is definitely something amiss with Chris and me. Not because we fight, or hate each other, or anything, but about half the time I just feel like there's nothing between us anymore. I am 83% sure the he doesn't love me - which I have deduced by the fact that he hasn't said it in probably over a year - and I think that I may even be OK with that. I just don't know for sure what is going on with him. He will go weeks and weeks without so much as grazing me as we walk past each other, and then all of a sudden he's all cuddly and friendly. I don't want to deal with it anymore. We have had the "what happens to the band if we break-up" talk (which is pretty much the first sign...) and I think we would still be friends. I think I would rather stay in a bad relationship with him than not be friends. The real problem is I don't know if it is a bad relationship, or if I am just doing what I always do and making it seem like it is.
I have just had this overwhelming feeling that I need to get out lately. I keep saying over and over in my head that I want to go home - no matter where I am. I just need to get away from everything that I have here. I realized the other day that I have had that feeling off and on for basically my entire life, which is really disconcerting considering what I want is to up and leave, and be a completely different person. I guess I feel like I am locked into where I am, and I don't want to be. My job is practically taking over my life, my band is stressing me out (although I still feel like we're somehow going places), and my boyfriend doesn't love me. Plus I have no space of my own (it's taken me 3 days to write this because I only have 10 minutes while Chris is in the shower... which is why it probably makes no sense...) and I'm going insane.
I've always thought that I was meant for bigger and better things. I just don't know if that's true.
I don't know what I'm talking about anymore.
Blah.
-kitten =v_v=