(no subject)
i rolled over last night with a scratchy throat that just wouldn't go away. i layed on my side to look at him and felt like throwing up. i layed on my back and looked at the smudges of pink we made there almost a year ago now, and felt the same. my stomach, the same. i woke up this morning and asked my mother if her flu started with a sore throat and nausea. she said no. im hoping this is just a cold.
i dont feel fine today. yesterday was filled with confidence and trust and just knowing that everything was ok and stable. today things feel like they're disintegrating again, and maybe it's all in my head. sometimes i feel like i'm something to be ashamed of and i'm not too sure why. the fact that i'm not wanted or cared about ; really i dont even pity myself. really i wonder if i'm even human, capable of being any of these things, to anyone, ever. or if i'm seriously just looking right past it in what i have.
last night we rented high fidelity and i remember the big breakup last year having something to do with that movie. a line in the film, that made him think, i think. now that ive seen it i wish i could remember what it was so i can figure out what his real reasoning was; excuses are always the best in those matters. but all those dumb top fives, i was analyzing and trying to stick to my old situation just because he made such a tie to it when he ended it. not to mention half the quotes from that movie have been way overused and i had never known before. and i thought people were more creative than that.
fucking john cusak.
i feel better after writing this completely illrelavant piece of crap. i wouldn't say better.
im so grateful for everything but sometimes i wonder if i'll ever live up to those ones you care for. even girls that call me their best friend just seemingly not caring anymore.
i really need to figure out what i do wrong.
i dont feel fine today. yesterday was filled with confidence and trust and just knowing that everything was ok and stable. today things feel like they're disintegrating again, and maybe it's all in my head. sometimes i feel like i'm something to be ashamed of and i'm not too sure why. the fact that i'm not wanted or cared about ; really i dont even pity myself. really i wonder if i'm even human, capable of being any of these things, to anyone, ever. or if i'm seriously just looking right past it in what i have.
last night we rented high fidelity and i remember the big breakup last year having something to do with that movie. a line in the film, that made him think, i think. now that ive seen it i wish i could remember what it was so i can figure out what his real reasoning was; excuses are always the best in those matters. but all those dumb top fives, i was analyzing and trying to stick to my old situation just because he made such a tie to it when he ended it. not to mention half the quotes from that movie have been way overused and i had never known before. and i thought people were more creative than that.
fucking john cusak.
i feel better after writing this completely illrelavant piece of crap. i wouldn't say better.
im so grateful for everything but sometimes i wonder if i'll ever live up to those ones you care for. even girls that call me their best friend just seemingly not caring anymore.
i really need to figure out what i do wrong.