The seventh year hitch
Just when I thought I'm past the habit of making anniversary posts because I've ran out of ideas to write, and tbh my yearly contents were all the same, my 7th year in the fandom is the obvious oddity. Even last year's start of fangirling over Panic! At The Disco pales to how shook my emotions are this year. (And did you know that Western Pop music completely took me back into its arms? *gasp! and more gasps ala Selena Gomez*)
But this blog is mainly dedicated to NEWS, and at most times, when I say "fandom" I automatically mean NEWS. I also know you came to this post for NEWS so yes I'll give you NEWS. Leave the cake at my door. :p
However, inadvertent it always is (no, don't believe that--I've always done it on purpose), this blog post will focus on Tegoshi. Not only because he's my bias. If my last LJ entry talked about Koyama not only because it was his birthday but for the troubles he was facing that time, it's unfortunately the same with Tego. Only it can be considered worse. Great man meets great fallback. World eats boy. (At this point I'm talking not in a Fan sense, though the next paragraphs are guaranteed to be more fangirl-sounding... and emotional. I guess I'm still warming up xD)
First things first. I can't believe I have spent 7 years in the fandom. That's 1/3 of my life on Earth! I never forgot the day I fell for subgroup Tegomass for their music, and how the curiosity for the main group NEWS turned into something big, that less than a year afterwards, nobody could calm me down as I cried over Tegoshi Yuya for no reason other than I was just a fan.
It's not that hard to accept things. I can proudly say that I'm an obsessive-but-not-possessive fangirl. While I can provide a blueprint of "how to snatch Tegoshi and lock him up in my house" (jk. jk. jooooke), I won't do that, because what will happen to my gazillion Tego OTPs? I believe that the more, the merrier, so it warms my heart seeing Tegoshi gain wider fame and more fans. He got out of the shadows--that's the secret reason I got over RyoPi withdrawal that fast. EviL LaUgH harharharharhar
In spite of my extremely Tegoshi-centric fangirling during the first years, I couldn't envisage him in a successful future without the rest of the group. NEWS worked as a team and they became STRONG AF, INSEPARABLE AF, LOVABLE AF; showed they are ARTISTIC/MUSICAL AF, and most importantly: HOT AF!! (lol this makes me sound perv af) For the hundreds of thousands of fans, NEWS was/is why we love NEWS. I get more offended when NEWS is being targeted than when it's Tegoshi alone. The group is my treasure, I've expressed a lot of positivity about them. It's all genuine. Side by side, my admiration for NEWS grew big and my attachment to Tegoshi grew deep, vice versa.
I wanted this entry to be thoughtfully detailed by making it a Fandom History post (a.k.a. my fangirl journey 2010-present! I started to write regular journals coinciding with the time I started to be a NEWS fan so yes I can chart my fangirl timeline) but that wasn't what I originally meant when I said I'll post my anniversary post early; besides, my different accounts dedicated to this crazy roller coaster of emotions lifestyle have spoken way louder than any single illustrative post. Secret # 2: I've had many NEWS-related accounts/blogs and some of them gained prominence in the fandom without revealing I am behind those ;) What are these accounts? Secret~
Anyway, added to the fact that NEWS fandom is collectively peaceful, because NEWS love surprising us fans, the excitement was always there and it was nearly impossible that the feelings will die out. This place has become such a huge part of my life--more than the longevity, although I consider it too because rarely I get attached to something--it's the heart and mind investment that counts. The dedication. The passion. Here's one more secret: I silently judged those who left the fandom. I was really devoted to NEWS that I didn't understand why the other 'devotees' could just leave like that, especially in the recent years, when the group is at its peak in activity. Why abandon when everything finally feels right? The more the merrier was my philosophy when it comes to this, so when anybody stopped being a fan, I took it to heart.
2016 suddenly became a turning point. Maybe because I was subconsciously stressed about entering adulthood, or maybe it was P!ATD bursting the bubble that's been long enclosed in NEWS, or maybe it was caused by my forming doubts on Tegoshi's attitude and behavior (more on the next paragraphs) that I fathomed the feeling of decreasing enthusiasm. I realized that the level of love could stay the same, but you can love that thing andnot be overly passionate about it. Furthermore, my disappointment over leaving fans was gone, and I learned that many of those who left didn't actually stopped loving NEWS; they just stopped at acting like fans and doing fan things.
To comprehend these... It felt liberating, yet it bothered me somehow. I was still very attached to Tegoshi and the fandom, and the dwindling of passion was conficting with the strong feelings I still have inside.
2017 is my seventh year here with NEWS. I'm already used to being a legit multifandom person, so speaking of passion I can now show passion wholeheartedly not limited to one person/one group, and whoo it's actually refreshing! Tegoshi has advantages because he remains as my favorite human; the doubts I had on him were pushed away, for I once again reminded myself that even if I can conspire "how to snatch Tegoshi and lock him up in my house" (hahah why this example again? xD), I won't do that considering my limits asa fan. I'm not supposed to look behind the idol curtain; I know it; that is how it's supposed to be.
But come on. These years aren't for nothing. Part of the obsession (I want to say it's Love but the term is always debatable in such situations) is studying your subject's personality and character. Maybe you do it too, maybe you don't, but I try to analyze and interpret everything Tegoshi does and says. Don't you read between the lines? Because I do. The inconvenient fact is it's mostly the idol face that's shown to fans, but it's not that hard to see through a personality as open as Tegoshi's. I don't intend to pry on his personal life--hey, my purpose isn't to find out what he does outside the idoldom, but to find out a part of what he is (aside from the idol image).
And what's what the shame in that. Tegoshi has an influence on what I am now. These years, they didn't simply pass by without my ichiban making a mark in my life, not just through my five senses feasting on his physical attributes or in my late night dreams and frequent daydreams. It is the kind of influence that shifted my perspectives--even though he didn't change me to be literally stronger or to be like him, every decision I've made I try to 'consult' and compare with Tegoshi's own values. If it was Tego, what would he do? Which option would he choose? What could he probably say about it? What do you think, Tegoshi?
I do this because I believe in him.
Celebrities are often treated artificially by the general public: they would fancy the fact that the person is famous, but they would also say Biz life is lousy and unimportant. They think celebrities provide entertainment, even so, this profession is virtually below any professional jobs, and celebs themselves are lower than other professionals. Tegoshi is showing exactly what the general public thinks about celebrities. We know better, though. We know a couple of things beyond the Idol Tegoshi:
1. Tegoshi's strength is one of a kind. So outstanding that it already is self-explanatory. It has gone far places and it earned him top spots. If used more meaningfully, it can touch lives.
2. Tegoshi's sense of justice is awesome. Back then, even if I knew what Justice and Mercy meant, there wasn't really anything about justice that appealed to me, probably because I perceived it as blind in this already crippled society. But I saw Tegoshi's application of justice and I thought he gave justice to what Justice is about. It's one of my favorite things about him; if only he shows it more often it can save lives.
3. Tegoshi has a wide understanding. Because of his outspoken nature he tends to say things that sound ultimate but he actually isn't one to give ultimatums--he takes life as it is, riding on its waves openly. He is free spirited and it doesn't only how on his actions but on his daily decisions. If he demonstrates it right he can inspire lives.
This person is eternally filled with potential--from being picked by Johnny, debuting earlier than most talents, starting his career as the least known member then rocketing to the center, and being on ItteQ (ItteQ is so fundamental that there are countless ways to appreciate Tegoshi through and in this show). It's a fandom-wide knowledge that he can do anything, and has a bottomless supply of fighting spirit at the least.
Put another person in his place. Bias aside, I don't think anyone could take it unless it's exceptional as him. You can't really find flaws in his idol persona unless you naturally hate to be called by pet names or see ~chuu faces on stage. But why does Tegoshi does his best at being an idol? Isn't it because he does his best in personal too? Even if Tegoshi Yuya was never an idol he would nonetheless do his very best. We've established that fact. No wonder, I am rooting for his personal potential. Given the three examples above, Tegoshi is definitely more than an idol that can make girls (and boys) go wild. *ehem!! hahaha* He could also make the world better in a sense.
Let me remind again that in no way I try to dictate Tegoshi's actions. It's just that as a fan, I have inputs, and my emphasis on his personal potentials is the way I show my concern. Everyone already loves The Idol right? Going out of the way wouldn't hurt, I guess.
Now for the scruffy stuff. I used to be the kind who gets excited over Tegoshi rumors. It makes him 'imperfect', it makes him 'normal', it makes him reachable, to be honest! It's also a part of proving that I do ship Tego with everyone, and a part of trusting his free-spirited personality. As the rumors grew in size and frequency, although the validity was often questionable, the possibilities are always there, because Tegoshi can do anything. I started to doubt his personality not because I think his actions were wrong (he's just a human no need to remind meeee) but because I was worried that if he's tainted with such attitude or if he continues that behavior he wouldn't be taken seriously by people.
This just goes to show I take him seriously.
What served as my (and other fans') comfort--he likes to explain. We're very similar in that manner, plus, it's a side of Tegoshi I didn't notice until he decided to explain every rumor thrown at him without the agency's aid. It was admirable, the way he defended himself. Just one sentence from his NEWS Ring entries would put me to tears, then smiles, thinking that he cares about himself deeply, not the superficial kind like arrogance and showing off most of the time.
This year the unexpected big breakdown happened. There are many factors why I reacted with apathy; why my opinion is different than the most; why I came across as unsupportive when the root of my statements is no different than yours. First, maybe for having busy multifandom duties I initially fell short of looking at the situation as fan--I spoke as a viewer from afar instead. Yes, Tegoshi cried and it's saddening, but it's also quite refreshing (and even somehow satisfying) to see someone tough on TV cry like that.
Second, now as a fan, my viewpoints have been shaped by the continuous internal conflict of trust and doubt in Tego. As far as all his issues are concerned, I'll quote someone who agreed with my sentiments, because she worded it better:
"He's gotten used to "That's okay, I can explain because they believe in me no matter what. I have many supporters that I can trust". It's a bad mindset. It'll become a habit. Yes, all of us just wants what's good for them (our idols). It's normal to feel down especially now that a lot of negative (issues) about him came out. (But) he should know, and be slapped on the face sometimes, with the reality that he can't get away with everything. It's also for the sake of his family, particularly his mom and grandma." ーate Glays
And this, by another friend:
"The rumor that hurt Keichan early this year is stupid, the so-called intimate photos released were nothing to me, even friends will have these photos too. But on the other hand, how many did Tegoshi have such kinds of photos? I can still remember the one he hugged the AKB48 and kissed the AKB48 members. But why? Why all so-called fans attack koyama but protect Tegoshi? And the photo Tegoshi (has) with that guy, he said he did not know him. But I remember that Johnny's Entertainment require their Artists not to have photos with fans or unknown people. Why did he ignore such rules? I hope he can learn to be more responsible for his actions. Please stop being that selfish again... I just hope Keiichan can be happy and not affected by others. I cannot hate (Tegoshi) since Keichan loves all his members and I love everyone Keichan loves. But I just wish that he can grow up... and stop being selfish, be more responsible and think about the consequence he will bring to NEWS and others before he does anything." ーArisa Koyama
It just boils down to one trait: irresponsibility. Both of them also mentioned other people, like Koyama and Tegoshi's mother and grandma. It could be the worst timing to call him out for that, but on the flip side, I reckon it is also the right time. It is Tegoshi's sense of justice. It is also like the scenario of a friend pouring out his/her problems and it's either you stay silent listening all the way or offer concrete answers. I chose the latter. Irresponsibility is the answer.
But maybe he cried for reasons more than we are aware of, and most people whom I've talked to expressed that none of us know everything so why form negative opinions. I've thought of that. Honestly, it would be easier that way. It's easier to believe that Tegoshi cried not only for the pounding issues that shook the fandom but more on the personal matters, because that's way unreachable for fans, therefore less judgements and more support on my part. So let's say he cried for deeper reasons. The trigger was still those issues, so I can't still flip away the irresponsibility card.
Third, as a person, I am actually not mad about what Tegoshi has done. Really! Reiterating it again and again, I don't want to dictate Tegoshi's actions. Besides, they weren't bad at all and were quite normal. Funny how just days before these scandals surfaced, I was talking to my bestfriend about HowSexualIAm and IfIWasntAnIntrovertIdBeHavingOneNightStands--ohh that's TMI, sorry! Hence, I do not hate Tego for the things he did; even that photo with a criminal was something I laughed at (at first); and the 40 Tickets issue was confusing to me so how the hell would I judge that.
As a person, rather than being mad at his actions, it was more of a question of "does he think about his actions?" and I suppose it's normal to raise a query like this especially that we are dealing with a public figure. And since I'm also a fan, that question was shrouded by extreme emotions for days. If you've seen my FB posts about the matter I don't know if I succeeded at getting my point across, but you can see for sure that I was giving off an angry tone. Despite having said I was apathetic. Okay, I was probably apathetic to the fandom's messages of support for Tego, but try as I might, I was feeling so much about Tego, for Tego. Even the sight of his crying face alone--the thought that my passion for him has lessened, in the days that I drowned myself in all of this, I realized what I may have thought to be a change of heart wasn't that at all... it was hiding my heart, and as Tegoshi became vulnerable, it came out from its hiding.
It's the seventh year hitch. The hitch is none other than Tegoshi.
Things are getting back to normal. 2017 is generally delightful for NEWS, with NEVERLAND album being their most musically daring album yet, the 3-month concert tour comes to an emotional finish. Koyama is again chosen for 24hrTV. There are new J-web corners. SCP's doing great; they've got more time for group bonds, and a simultaneous boom in indivudual/duo shows and projects. The members' relationship are stronger than ever (generic statement but very true, they're stronger than ever). Fandom's turning 15 next year! Once a dream, now the norm, NEWS is heading to an amazing direction. If Koyama and Tegoshi's rumors have one positive implication, it is the fact that NEWS is now worthy to be publicized with that kind of attention. While not exactly pleasant, it's an indicator that NEWS has definitely piqued the consciousness of virtually anyone in Japan.
And there goes my ichiban. All I've really wanted for him is to be a good person. It is a blanket term because 'good' can mean a lot of things. Obviously, I don't expect him to become an altruist or give up his current lifestyle. I don't want him to tone down. I just hope he'd be more mindful, with the personal potential he's got, and the kind of focus he utilizes to achieve things... He could be a reckless idol yet a responsible person at the same time. How about inspiring? He already is. Just his presence can make his fans dream big, think big. You've heard him speak seriously, it's almost enlightening. Everyone could muse about his face, his voice, his physical/mental/emotional strength and abilities. The catch is, inspiration can't be seen, so only us who stand by him can understand how clear an inspiration Tegoshi radiates.
It's theoretically hard to have intense feelings for someone who doesn't even know you, but if that intensity has found its way to your system, it turns into faith. I'm proud that I support Tegoshi, in a myriad of ways and in the brightest and darkest of days, such as this. I want to say it's Love but the term is always debatable in celebrity-fan situations... However, even some people in actual relationships don't think about their partners in depth and isn't concerned much with the character, the potential, the good and the bad, and how things could be in the long run. Maybe I am just the overthinker kind, but with all that's embraced is it still wrong to say that I love Tegoshi? I believe that these seven years are love, regardless of distance, regardless of not knowing everything. In spite of my often exaggerations and misjudgments. The faith is there. I love Tegoshi Yuya and I love NEWS. I may not be as enthusiastic as before but this love has become a constant thing--it never ends.
One last secret: When I saw the photos and reports of Tegoshi crying at the con, I cried for him at least twice a day for five days straight. "Apathetic", huh :p Not really relevant to everyone but to this post! xD Happy 7th anniversary to me :)
