Another Day...

[leili]

So I was a dealt a blow this morning and I am feeling kind of sad. Martin, my uncle in-law died. He was a very cool man and was always so kind. I hate cancer. It is so frustrating that their was nothing they could do. My brother in-law is also in the hospital now. He is fighting a staff infection. The normal antibiotics were doing nothing to combat it so they had to hospitalize him. My sister is very frustrated and angry and probably a lot scared. Joe is probably one of the nicest men alive and does not deserve this in any way. Not that I would wish this on anyone. To top it all off, I confirmed this morning with my sister, who has to deal with all of this other stuff too, that our mother is drinking again. Damn her. Why does she have to complicate things so much. Why does she always do this. Why the hell did I even think she would ever stop. Why can't she do this one thing that I asked and stop drinking? I keep thinking to the future and I know that she will not be there. And even though she has caused nothing but pain she is still my mother and I really do want her there for everything that will happen in my life but I don't want her there drunk. I want a mother who is sober. I already lost my dad, why do I have to lose my mother too. Why?
I don't know why this really upsets me, I lost her a long time ago. I am starting to lose my resolve to keep myself out of it but I don't really know what to do about it. This frustration is getting intense. My heart is broken and the wall gaining on me again.